Mom offered to pay for therapy?!

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My uBPD mom who I am LC/NC with just texted and offered to pay for EMDR trauma therapy for me.

She says she has been doing EMDR for the past few months, and they are still working through her childhood, but she is "seeing it work." Whatever that means. And that she was diagnosed with "pretty significant PTSD." To be fair, I think she should also be diagnosed with BPD and bipolar, but I realize I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, she says she wants me to consider it because she thinks that I would "benefit and heal a lot." And that she would pay for two sessions per month for me.

I have no idea what to do with this.
What I WANT to do is to write her back and ask 1) why does she think I need this? what trauma does she think I need to heal from? and 2) is she also offering this to my siblings, or just me? Because I don't know if this is a step toward her acknowledging that SHE caused me trauma... or if she's just trying to "fix" me because she thinks I'm the one with issues (more likely).

[WalkbyFaith]

My uBPD mom who I am LC/NC with just texted and offered to pay for EMDR trauma therapy for me.

She says she has been doing EMDR for the past few months, and they are still working through her childhood, but she is "seeing it work." Whatever that means. And that she was diagnosed with "pretty significant PTSD." To be fair, I think she should also be diagnosed with BPD and bipolar, but I realize I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, she says she wants me to consider it because she thinks that I would "benefit and heal a lot." And that she would pay for two sessions per month for me.

I have no idea what to do with this.
What I WANT to do is to write her back and ask 1) why does she think I need this? what trauma does she think I need to heal from? and 2) is she also offering this to my siblings, or just me? Because I don't know if this is a step toward her acknowledging that SHE caused me trauma... or if she's just trying to "fix" me because she thinks I'm the one with issues (more likely).

[Notwendy]

If this were my BPD mother, I wouldn't accept any money from her. BPD mother uses money as a way to control people in some way.

I agree, I'd also be wondering if this is some way of stating that I am the one that needs to be "fixed". Or is it some odd way of her trying to make a sort of amends. (she doesn't really apologize or take accountability). However, it's not an apology or being accountable- but she isn't able to do that. So it's a sort of indirect one? Still, it's a "you need fixing" statement.

Still, if it were my BPD mother, I'd politely decline . This blurs a boundary. If I choose to go to therapy- that is not her business. It's my own confidentiality. If she were to pay for it, it would open the door to asking "how is therapy going" and also she'd share with others "I am so glad NW is in therapy" and they'd then make assumptions.

Or it's an emotional hook to get you into drama, because there's a possible implication that you have childhood trauma- from her behavior. BPD mother would see this from victim perspective and feel accused. You feel this pull because you want to ask her more about it. Don't go there!

What I would do if this were my mother is reply politely. " I am happy for you that you are finding EMDR helpful to you. Thank you for the offer, but if I were to consider this, I'd rather do it on my own, so please don't send any money." Then- stop the discussion right there if she continues to push it.

This isn't rejecting the idea or closing the door to a possible reconciliation in the future. It's keeping your privacy boundary. Therapy is personal.

[Methuen]

Hi WBF,

My mom uses information as a commodity.  Guaranteed she would be telling her friends I was going to therapy and she was paying for it.  She has no boundaries and I don’t need my personal life being one of her talking points.

Also I don’t need her asking how T is going.  That alone is a trigger.

There is no way that I personally would accept this. 

Just my two cents.

Too often deceit gets dressed up as kindness, only to be undressed at a later time with another crushing disappointment.

But you should do what works for you.  Your situation may be different.

[zachira]

I agree that it is a trap to allow your mother to pay for therapy or even know you are going to therapy. I did EMDR therapy and it was what helped me the most to move forward from the effects of my traumatic childhood. Going to therapy is a personal decision. We are the experts on ourselves and whether therapy is something we choose to do now or perhaps in the future.

[CC43]

Oh, that seems like double jeopardy to me—trying to control you both financially and emotionally. I’d steer clear. A simple No Thanks should suffice.

If she’s a typical pwBPD, she often plays the victim of countless abuses. If she says you need therapy, that may be a way to project her victimhood onto you, and validate her skewed view of the world.

If you think you’d benefit from therapy, then go ahead and do it, buy I’d advise not to tell your mom, as she’d probably try to use that sensitive information against you.

[Notwendy]

When I was a teen, I asked to go to counseling- due to the issues at home and BPD mother seemed overly happy about that. I think my going to counseling was validation for her that I was to blame for any issues, not her.

I had some post partum depression one time and BPD mother was telling everyone that she was helping me because I was so depressed.

During the time my father was ill and I was upset, she was telling people I was "hormonally imbalanced".

She's presented me as the "problem" to her family, to the point that I was embarrased to be around them. I didn't know what they thought of me.

Hypothetically ( because I'd refuse to accept that offer) if she was paying for me to go to therapy- she'd feel validated- that she's OK and I am the one who needs therapy. She'd be telling this to anyone in her circle.

If my mother offers money to anyone, it's a form of manipulation. A "gift" from her feels more like a Trojan Horse.

[CC43]

Picking up on Notwendy’s point, your mom might relish getting you therapy, to make her feel somehow superior and vindicated, as you’d become the one who needs therapy, not only her. I’ve observed that some people who feel traumatized just love to talk about other people’s traumas, to make themselves feel less alone and more normal. Moreover, she might want to flaunt her newfound “expertise” and feel superior that way as well. She could make herself feel better by putting you down….or by trying to diagnose your issues. I’d caution against putting yourself in this situation.