And just like that- BPD mother has passed away.

[Notwendy]

This is a moment of disbelief- something I didn't think about much, it was hard to imagine. BPD mother seemed both vulnerable and invincible at the same time.

I got the call that she wasn't feeling well and was sent to the hospital. At first, I wasn't alarmed. This would resolve with some fluids and medicine, like the many times she was admitted with dehydration. It's probably a urinary infection. She'd be fine in a day or so.

This time, she wasn't, and so after speaking with her nurses we got on the road and when we arrived at the hospital, it was evident something serious happened. She was barely responsive, sepsis, stroke.

This is an odd grief. People are offering condolences, and I appreciate them and at the same time, it feels fake. They are sharing in my grief through the only experience they have of mother- their mother. Yes there is grief- I am sad, but there's a disconnect between their "sad" and my "sad". It's hard to describe. They are sad for me, because they care about me, and for that I am so grateful. But I am sad for her. 

The officiant for her funeral sent me a prayer to read at her funeral. It was about grief for the loss of a loving mother, a remembrance of feeling safe in her presence. But how could I authentically say this when in actuality, we felt afraid of her. So I substituted another one- a prayer for her well being in her eternity.

If this sound altruistic- it's not really all that. It's protective of my privacy and hers. I prefer the focus to be on her having a proper service, with dignity. To her circle of people, I didn't visit much, or provide care for her in person. I did things for her behind the scenes but they don't know that and it isn't any of their business. Because BPD affects the closest of relationships, other people were able to have a better relationship with her than I could. But they don't know that and they don't need to know that either.

For me to appear now at her funeral, to some people who may have hardly seen me, feels like a lie.  It feels shameful for me to stand up in front of them, as if I was claiming some kind of credit that I don't feel deserving of, that I don't even want.

I know you all here "get it". Your words connect.

[GaGrl]

Oh, my, NotWendy, how abrupt and sudden!

Yes, we get it.

I know my mother was conflicted in her emotions around her step-mother's death. After all, she had been her "mother" since my mom was 6 years old. I, however, had a different experience as a granddaughter -- I shed not one tear. I did accompany my mother to the funeral. I'm sure there were people at the funeral who thought she was actually our blood mother/grandmother and wondered and were judgmental about our lack of involvement in her final illness. I didn't care.

You did everything in your power to support your mother within your capacity and her ability (or inability) to let you. You have that knowledge to carry with you, if it comforts you.

Do you need to speak at the funeral? I did not speak at either of my parents' services.

[kells76]

 

This is an odd grief.

Yes, that makes sense.

We'll be here with you in this.

[GaGrl]

I completely believe that grief from a sudden death is different from a prolonged death. With the latter, we grieve so much ahead of the actual end. With the prior, it feels like a shocking slap to the face, even if there had been a decline for while.

I'm holding g you in my heart today, NW.

[zachira]

Sending condolences for the mother you never had and respect for how you choose to deal with her.

There are many ways to grieve the lifelong loss of a mother who did not know how to love her children. It seems that possibly that this board might have been the only place to share how you felt about your mother and you did not discuss with other people how your mostly felt about your mother because of how they would invalidate your feelings telling you you were wrong to feel the way you do.

The funeral of my mother was extremely high stress and emotional for me, as I felt I could not safely share my real feelings with anybody there. I choose to not speak. What did help was to sit back and play observer, trying to figure out who if anybody did really know my mother, did some how voice what I was feeling. It seems that the speeches about my mother were so empty. Not one speaker described her as having empathy or being a caring person, and all those who spoke seemed to be living on selling their false images to the public while being not really decent people privately (in a lot of ways like mom).

What kind of funeral would you give your mother if you felt safe and supported?

[Methuen]

Oh my. 

I am sorry.  For all of it...

What a complicated mixture of thoughts and emotions.  I've occasionally wondered what this will be like when my time comes.

Thankfully she was in assisted living, where there were people around and she could be tended to quickly.

The officiant for her funeral sent me a prayer to read at her funeral. It was about grief for the loss of a loving mother, a remembrance of feeling safe in her presence.

I am speechless.  Doesn't this cross a boundary?

But how could I authentically say this when in actuality, we felt afraid of her. So I substituted another one- a prayer for her well being in her eternity.

For me to appear now at her funeral, to some people who may have hardly seen me, feels like a lie.  It feels shameful for me to stand up in front of them, as if I was claiming some kind of credit that I don't feel deserving of, that I don't even want.

I totally get that. I think that is pretty much the last thing any of us would want.

My dad died 20 years ago.  My dad and I had a close relationship, and I loved my dad.  I was too choked up to speak at his funeral so I didn't, because I couldn't.  It was overwhelming.  I don't know what people thought, but there are all kinds of reasons not to speak about a parent at a funeral.  Healthy people won't judge, and those that do - shouldn't take up any real estate in our heart or mind.  I understand the social pressures though, and the judgement since I live in a small town and everyone that knows my mom also knows me.  Truthfully, they know nothing. Although they think they do.

Let your own spirit (and others if you are religious) guide you through this, and do what you need to do to take the time to take care of yourself through this. 

Goodness.  Holding you close. 

[Methuen]

But how could I authentically say this when in actuality, we felt afraid of her. So I substituted another one- a prayer for her well being in her eternity.

 
Good for you!!

[Notwendy]

The prayer suggestion was only that- during planning- giving me ideas for what to say- based on the assumption that this is how I would feel - the "normal" situation. She didn't know. Once I suggested the other one, she began to ask more about my mother. 

I said I didn't want to say anything disrespectful and she said yes but when people make statements that are inauthentic, it doesn't resonate with the family. Of course I didn't say too much negative but did say it's difficult. She said she'd be respectful but also realistic. She was understanding.

We haven't had the funeral yet. It will be interesting to see what she says. I think she will do a good job with it.

I've had a few moments, tears, meltowns when feeling overwhelmed with the details. We moved her belongings out of her room at assisted living. It felt so strange.

[CC43]

Hi Notwendy,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a family member is hard, no matter what type of relationship you had. I hope you remain kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up. If someone gave you a prayer, I bet it was in the spirit of trying to help you, should you decide to say a few words at the funeral service or not. I spoke at my father’s service a year ago and wrote my own script, as did two of my siblings, but one sibling didn’t speak at all. I’m just saying it’s OK to do what you feel you can handle. There’s no right or wrong way in my opinion. And it’s OK to feel a mix of emotions. My dad was sick for a long time, and in the end he was basically acting like a jerk, but he was sick I’ll so I understood why. In a way it was a relief for him to go, and I think it’s OK to feel some relief mixed with sadness and lament for the absence of loving relationship in the first place.  Change can be hard, as can dealing with mortality. I just hope you don’t feel guilt, you did the best you could, and you put up with an awful lot.  I’d say you are a wonderful daughter, but your mom just didn’t appreciate you. But at the end of the day, you ensured she had everything she really needed, even if she fought you and didn’t know herself what her real needs were. Maybe your mom’s acquaintances won’t know how much you took care of your mom, but you know and God knows and your immediate family knows, and that’s all that really matters.

I’d understand if you took a break from this site. But I think you have made some very insightful and interesting comments. I appreciate your contributions. I wish you some peace.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for your kind words CC43. While I may not be posting about current experiences with my BPD mother, I'd like to continue to be "here" for those of us who are also going though their own but still similar experiences.

It's helped me to read other people's posts and it helps to share. There's alot to process. We are all helping each other by sharing our experiences.

[EyesUp]

@NotWendy, my condolences.

I'll just say:  a funeral or memorial service can be for the community and can also be for individuals. 

I'm sure your guard will remain up re: your mother and by extension her social sphere - for some time.  Perhaps, in your mother's absence, you'll eventually feel less need to be vigilant about this.

Take care.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, Eyes Up,

I appreciate that the officiant pushed a bit further. She felt it was important to be both respectful and also authentic. If a funeral eulogy is not authentic, it doesn't connect with the family, and also one has to remain respectful and not say too much.

It's similar to our dilemmas- when to remain silent, when to say something but not too much.

My decision when around my mother's circle has been silence. But it's possible that silence comes across as inauthentic. This person also knows my mother, and has had some interactions with her. I think my mother's behavior was good with her but perhaps she "sensed" something was off.

The prayer suggestion was only a suggestion. Maybe it's one that most families feel is best, but when I said I had another choice- that opened the discussion.

Of course people say nice things about the person at a funeral, and I shared these with her too but saying things that aren't true at a funeral, and those in attendance know it, makes it impersonal. Surely she's asked others for information too. I think she will be able to do something meaningful and respectful.

I think in time I will feel less need to be vigilant.

Thanks again!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Notwendy,

I haven't been here in quite some time. Synchronicity maybe. Saw your post and thought I needed to connect.

I actually do want to offer you my sincere sympathies and send you courage and strength.

You did an awful lot of work on yourself through all those years, so maybe you had already worked through the grief of not really having a mother... Still... I feel there will always be something there to process and so... I will pray for you. Because I expect this might awaken some things for you.

I made the decision 3 years ago now almost to go no contact. And sometimes felt it strange how it didn't change much... Because the emotional distance was so strong. Taking fear out of the relationship and it left me wondering what was left. I imagined love more often than I received it. But still ... It was always hard to know she would one day die and that I might never know.

I reached out this week to her. I thought of you when I did it. Of how you navigated you own relationship with your mother. It seemed to me I had reached this point in my healing journey that I could hold boundaries and be there without enmeshment... I aim for what I perceived of you here... Maybe it would never be enough for her, but we all know what it took for you to still remain... And this, my friend, in the end, is love.

Not sure if those words will reach you but : thank you for being there for her the way you did... It showed me what could maybe be.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today.

[WalkbyFaith]

Oh, Notwendy. I don't get on here often but I did tonight and... I don't have the words to say, but wanted to offer my empathy. Holding space for you in this heavy transition in your life.

[I Am Redeemed]

Notwendy,

I'm so sorry this happened, and so sudden. It is an odd grief, indeed, to lose a parent when the relationship was not the loving, supportive one that other people experience. The totality of the loss here is heavy

How are you holding up today?

[Notwendy]

Riv3rW0lf- thank you for your post. I am so glad to know that my experience helped you with your relationship with your BPD mother. However one decides is best for them- whether it's NC, LC or full contact- neither of these are easy paths to navigate but each person needs to make the one they can best manage and the decision may change at times.

A counselor said something to me that made sense- it's not as much about the other person- but about where we are in our own abilities to manage. This can vary with each situation- some may not be safe to try to manage at all.

Thank you to WalkbyFaith and I am Redeemed. for your kind condolences. It's a lot to process but I am holding up. Admittedly have had a few "meltdowns" at times but overall OK. 

This is a unique grief. My SIL expressed condolences in her way- and while I appreciate any and all of them -there's a difference between her feelings and mine. My MIL was a loving and caring person. My SIL lived the closest to her, and they had a close relationship, and also was active in her care at the end of her life.

I think this is another version of seeing other people with their mothers and knowing somehow- their relationship is different. We have these glimpses along the way. Maybe as children- seeing their mothers fix them a meal, sew something for them. Not that mothering is measured by housework but in my mother's era- this is what most women did. It wasn't the "work"- it was the relationship while they were doing this that we sensed seemed different. At some point-  later, we expect to take on a caring role for our mothers too, and this, also, may be different.

When the funeral officiant asked me for such types of memories- it was hard to find them. The officiant recognized the situation without me disclosing details and she did a great job with it.  Her eulogy was both respectful and yet, subtly authentic. I think it was a nice and dignified ceremony.

We had to take her possessions out of her room. We wanted her phone, credit cards and anything like that - which would help us know what companies to contact. It felt sad that she was mostly alone in her room. Residents at her assisted living asked us about her and said they asked her to come to dinner, to activities, but mostly she refused. In her phone, she had messages of home health nurses, physical therapists- trying to make appointments to come see her and she replied not now. I don't think it's OK for the elderly to be left alone, but after each visit, I'd drive home feeling that the connection I tried to achieve with her failed.  It's some consolation to know other people tried too.

What my mother needed most from me, I think, was service to her, and while others did the one on one, I did what I could do to help manage other tasks for her that could be done at a distance and only someone who had  POA could do that.

I think for each of us, we both had unmet expectations. I think in a way we both wanted "normal". She may not have been able to achieve that, but she did want a semblance of it. I wanted "normal" too- as a child- from her, as an adult for her in her elder years Neither of us had "normal", but we did have something- maybe there's not a name for that as it's not the usual. Neither is the grief.

It's OK though. I am glad she's not suffering, emotionally or physically, because even at a distance, I could not feel removed from that. I think her soul is at peace and I can sense that too. There's a sense of lightness now.