New member need help

[Wilfred]

Hello,
I recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I believe that my wife is a high functioning BPD person. 

The description of high functioning BPD person seems to fit about 90% of her behavior. 

We have been married for 24 years, she has exhibited BPD type behaviors for years, but just over 3 years ago she quit her job and sunk into a very deep depression.  She has completely disengaged from life.  She sleeps 10 to 15 hours a day, does not take care of herself and rarely leaves the house.  She has become completely undependable and her emotional swings have become more sever than ever before.  My son's and I have asked and begged her and even taken her to counseling to get help, but it is not her idea so she refused to go.

We had a very rough Christmas and I gave her an ultimatum that she either go get help or leave.  It was very difficult for me to come to this point.  When I told my 3 adults children that I was going to tell her this they all three said I can't believe you have put up with it this long.

So she made one appointment with a councilor and went, but she skipped the second appointment.  That was 4 weeks ago.  I told her that one appointment isn't going to help and pressed her to go back to counselling.  She made an appointment for next Tuesday. 

After reading Eggshells I am pretty sure she has BPD.  I don't think that the councilor that she is seeing is qualified to treat or diagnose this disorder.   And she has only seen her once.  What can I do to let the councilor know that this may be an issue?

Any help would be much appreciated. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

BPD is tricky to treat. Your wife would have to desire to be in treatment for it to even have a chance. Unfortunately you "ultimatums" will not work - because she will go once and stop - just like you say she has. Forcing her into therepy will not work.

Also, your ultimatum involves HER moving out. So you are giving HER the power. A real ultimatum is that YOU will move out. That means that YOU are in control of that.

However, her behaviour seems more depression related than BPD. And you identify that they started when she quit her job 3 yrs ago. Perhaps she needs to see a counsellor and focus on this first.

Her improvment and her progress are up to her. It is great that you want to help her. I would suggest telling her that you are unhappy, and that you will move out unless she changes. But you need to be very clear on what you want of her. If she is depressed, she may need YOU to organise and take her to counselling. If she doesn't come, then maybe that's it.

[Wilfred]

Thank you, that helps.