Why JADEing and reasoning don't work

[Resiliant]

Just my thoughts at 4am with my first coffee.  There is so much pain expressed by our members that I can't sleep thinking about this so I hope it helps someone. 

So many of us have expressed frustration that reasoning and logic don't seem to apply. 

When we try to apply logic or reason with someone, we are JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining).  Reasoning is just that: giving or applying reasons.  Most reasons are explanations, defenses, or justifications etc.

When we can't respond with those tools we often feel helpless and hopeless, as if we have nothing to defend ourselves. 

Think about it this way.  If you felt abused and traumatized by someone and they offered a reason for the abuse would it then be okay?

There is more to it.  In her book, Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr, MA she describes how there are two parts to the human brain.  The Pre-frontal Cortex which is responsible for rational thought, and the Amygdala which is responsible for emotional thought.  She goes on to say that in a normal healthy brain, the neurotransmitters are firing fairly evenly on both sides.  She also mentions that if you have ever met someone who is very cold and unemotional that their neurotransmitters are firing mostly on the prefrontal cortex.  Where does this idea come from?   It comes from actual MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) testing.  So, there is a biological explanation that might be helpful.  When our BPD loved one is dysregulated they cannot control the neurotransmitters that are firing only on the amygdala and completely avoiding the prefrontal cortex.  Without the prefrontal cortex there is no rational thought.
 With that in mind it is easier to feel empathy towards our BPD loved ones.

So, we know the science behind this and the facts.  But even with this knowledge how does this disorder make me feel?  Like another poster, namely Crick said BPD feels evil. 
It makes me feel like a negative energy has taken over my loved one and sucked the life out of them.  And that negative energy is hungry, it's like a virus and it's coming after me.  It wants my energy and it will suck the life out of me too. If I leave myself open to it and I let that happen then it's coming after my marriage and my husband.  And if that works it will have my other kids and grandchildren next.  That is how it makes me feel.  I love my child with all my heart, and I know he is still there fighting.  Just the thought of how hard this must be for him makes me wish I could call him right now and say "Don't worry, I've got you".  If only that would work.  If only I could still kiss him better.  There is no magic pill.  So I pray, and I pray and I pray for the Light, the Truth and the Way to take over and push the negative energy aside.

I have an acquaintance who's son was about 12 or so years younger than mine and who always reminded my of my own when I saw him growing up.  She lost him to suicide right around his 17th birthday and I told her "Know and always remember that you did not fail, you lost.  You both lost to something much more powerful than you".

So what can we do?  Did you grow up with the old saying "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"?  This is only true if we make it so.  We have to stay strong and gray rock as Pook and CC always say - and do so with empathy and compassion.  My husband has asked me why I am beating my head against the wall because nothing is working and my response was: He is still alive. That is something.

Anyways, in this life on earth we have been given this very difficult challenge.  If you are here and still reading this then you are on the way to mastering the challenge.  Why do I think so?  It's because you are right here seeking the tools and the knowledge to do so.

Just my thoughts, thanks for listening.  Back to bed.

R

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[EyesUp]

@Resiliant - Thanks for this.

What do you think about reframing it:

"Don't JADE" isn't necessarily supposed to change your pwBPD, it's supposed to change YOU.

i.e., when we don't JADE, we're changing our own behavior.
When we don't JADE, in time, we also change our own expectations for any given interaction.
When we don't JADE, we take responsibility for what we contribute to the dynamic with a pwBPD.

In this way, by ratcheting down our own communication, we take responsibility for our 50% of the dynamic.

In my experience, this approach didn't necessarily change my pwBPD - but that was never the point.  Rather, learning and practicing this approach enabled to change my own behavior, which was helpful.

Did my pwBPD stop being BPD? No.

Did I stop triggering BPD behavior, and reset my own expectations about what might come from any given interaction?  To some extent, yes.

In this way, "Don't JADE" helped me a lot.

Does that make sense?

[Resiliant]

Hi EyesUp, and YES absolutely 100%!
Thanks for your response.

R

[CC43]

Thanks for the posts. I’ll say that I had never heard of JADE before coming here. But it sums up perfectly my normal reaction when someone (especially a high-conflict person) attacks me, and the result was typically a heated argument that went in circles, wounding us both. When an argument becomes too emotional and heated, logic doesn’t work!  So I tried to avoid JADE. I quickly saw that the temperature would drop. And then the issue might be addressed later, in smaller chunks, when they calmed down, and I wasn’t taken by a surprise attack seemingly out of nowhere. I also try to HALT—avoid discussion when Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. A lot comes down to picking the right time and place to address issues. And so I’m grateful to have learned about JADE. Sometimes people need to vent their frustrations, too—they are looking for a friendly ear, not solutions. I’m a fixer and a doer, so I’ve had to learn some restraint sometimes.