I have been less than a saint, dealing with my BPD Wife

[Chalk1]

Been married for 15 years. 4 amazing kids all under age of 11. As I've read river and over my wife was amazing and exhibited no symptoms until after our second child was. Ken in 2097. Since then it's been a slow descent into hell, punctuated by some very good times (which makes this disease all the more difficult to understand). My specific issue which I'd like I discuss is that I have not dealt with her BPD well.  For the first several years I used all my strength and tools to keep the wheels on but eventually I turned to alcohol / drugs (never had a drinking problem and never touched a drug until 5 years ago (I'm 40 today) and the attention of other women (never had an affair) as ways to cope. I don't have a great support system and so I chose to go this route. I'm not condoning anything that I have done , nor justifying it. My challenge is dealing now with the wife who is constantly splitting and blaming me for all of our marriage problems because of my alcohol and drug use when we had all of these issues  before. As you all know it's impossible to argue with a BPD and now I have lost the "moral high ground" in dealing with her.  Every time theRe is an issue she negates anything I haven say and reverts to something that happened (some way I "hurt" her) bc of my drinking.  Has anyone else been in my shoes. I haven't seen anything like this on the boards.  Everyone here sound like saints in how they have dealt with those SOs.  I'm admitting here that I have been anything but a saint.  I still love her and I am vey very involved with my kids and want to keep our family together. Any help would be very much appreciated.

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[Meili]

Oh, man, I was anything but a saint when I was dealing with my uBPDexgf before I found this site. A recovering alcoholic, I turned to alcohol (and other forms of self-medication) every chance that I could when she wouldn't know as a way to cope with her.

I also had emotional affair with one of my other exes because I desperately needed someone to talk to that knew me about everything that was going on.

I tried really hard to change her and force her to live up to my expectations. I fought with her, raged at her, lied to her, and tried to manipulate her out of self-defense. I was not a good human being.

I was lucky though, early in my posting here I learned a great deal about what BPD is and isn't. From that I learned to be compassionate to her.

I think that a great number of us here have engaged in bad, destructive, and unhealthy behavior looking for an outlet for the stress and trying to cope with everything that we deal with in these painfully chaotic relationships. It's somewhat natural in that so much revolving around living with a pwBPD in our lives is counter-intuitive. We've been taught to act in a certain way, and that way isn't working so we go into survival mode and try everything that we can think of to find some respite.

I speculate that most of us just don't share what we do because we are embarrassed or not ready to look at ourselves in that way when we land here.

It's awesome that you are self-aware enough to realize what is going on and what you are doing as a result. That makes some of how to deal with all of it in a healthier manner a lot easier. Many people struggle with the idea of self-reflection. But, we are only in control of ourselves and, therefore, that's all that we can change.

I started by learning the basics from the tools and lessons in the sidebar to the right of this page. That helped change a lot of my behavior and communication patterns. In turn, I was better able to change the bad behaviors because I was learning new and healthier ways to handle the situation.

There is a wealth of knowledge on this site, and a great deal of support and advice to be given by the members. How can we best help you?

[Chalk1]

I appreciate the quick response.  To be honest I don't know what help I need. I have gotten all of my destructive behaviors under control (AA with sponsor), focused on better coping mechanisms, seeing a therapist, etc.  but that's all to make me better--- it does nothing at at all to make my situation better.  The irony of the whole thing is that I'm the one in AA, I'm the one taking anti depressive mess, in the one seeing a therapist.  Yet I was 100% fine and healthy before getting married. I have so much resentment about this and as pathetic as it sounds also have a ton of guilt about the pain I have caused her When I drank too much or Did inappropriate things when under the influence.  I know for sure that I was finally rebelling and fighting back when I was drunk or high but it still didn't make it any easier for my conscience to accept. I know nothing is going to get a whole lot better with her and I have at least for now made the decision to stay because of the kids.  And because deep down I love her and miss the good ones we had   

One quick BPD story to share for the group. I'm sure you can all relate... .We had a snow storm yesterday where I live and mass transit was closed so I worked from home. I never work from home on Thursdays. Usually on fridays I do.  When I told her this AM that I was going into the office because I couldn't work from home 2 days in a row she went bezerk.  Demanded to know what was so important about going into the office today and flat out told me that she knew i was going into the city to meet my "girlfriend".  She then texted me non stop on my way into work and then harassed me at work all day.  Cursing and threatening over text. (Her usual MO).  Demanding to know where I was and what I was doing.  Despite all my transgressions I have have never cheated or had an affair nor a "girlfriend".  Her delusions have become somewhat comical to me (I can laugh a little) but the stress that ends up resulting is overwhelming. I know you can all relate to this.

[Meili]

Yes, many of us (if not all) can relate to it.

Were you responding to her text messages?

Not to be argumentative, but I have a completely different opinion on this statement:

I have gotten all of my destructive behaviors under control (AA with sponsor), focused on better coping mechanisms, seeing a therapist, etc.  but that's all to make me better--- it does nothing at at all to make my situation better.

When we engage in self-destructive behaviors, we make everything worse for everyone in our lives. When we are under the influence, we are not thinking clearly. This means that we cannot utilize the tools that will improve relationships. Besides, most of us aren't really attractive and people don't want to be involved with us when we are drinking and using to the point of it being damaging. So, staying sober does actually help the situation.

Being sober, in and of itself, probably won't help save the relationship however. As I mentioned, it does allow us to stay clear headed and utilize the tools to help make our relationships healthier. Focusing on learning to communicate in a healthier fashion and defining and maintaining healthy boundaries are key here. And, you can't do those things while under the influence. So, good job on taking the first steps at making things better for yourself!

[Tiredman40]

I would also admit I wasn't a saint. I didn't turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. But I didn't handle the arguments well, lost my temper, said things she still holds on to and allowed her to switch the focus of the discussion when I called her out on the behavior.

The emotional neglect, her constantly being bored, not being able to stay in a career, and then always wanting something different has taken its toll.

I am on anti depress, go to counseling, doctors about my health etc. It makes it worse that she won't treat her anxiety, won't admit her depression, and constantly blames me for everything... .

The lack of or selective empathy is a moral killer for me personally... .

Just remember that someone has to want to change, no matter what you do you can't change that fact.

One additional toll or price to watch out for is your children. I damaged that relationship letting her run and taking her back. We were very tight, now it is very different.

As a child of an alcoholic parent, who got into aa when I was 16 - I can tell you the damage done by the alcoholic and their enabler takes years to repair, accept, and learn to live with.

[daverisk]

I'm at the very beginning of this process of my wife's BPD and having trouble with coping.  I have been 100% faithful... .not even an emotional affair... .but I'm at the beginning of one now.  I've been able to handle... .less and less each day... .the lack of affection from my wife. 

One way I have not been an angel is that I physically beat the man my wife was cheating with... .and my children saw it... .I'll be honest and say my only regret at this point is my kids saw me beat a man... .they've never seen violence before.

I've also turned to a female coworker for emotional support... .nothing physical... .but in some ways I'm replicating the behavior my wife demonstrated... .again I'll be honest... .if felt good... .after years and years of very little affection... .to have the attention of a woman again... .and I feel bad for her too... .she's as vulnerable as I am now after her marriage of 5 years failed... .

I turned to her with help translating my wife's text messages with the guy I beat (he is her cousin and was living in my house... .I didn't go looking for him)... .so she knows the whole story... .she was very sympathetic and it felt good.  The next day at work I even sat with her and explained that we are both quite vulnerable and need to be careful... .two weeks later we're closer than ever... .too close... .

I start counseling on Wednesday next week to help me cope... .I hope I find the strength to return the relationship with this young lady to a more proper one... .again... .nothing physical... .yet... .but it could easily happen... .and the moral side of me doesn't want that to happen... .the part of me that is hurting craves it... .I guess I'm trying to say that what you're going through is probably natural... .but not healthy... .therapy?