Mother in assisted living now

[Methuen]

It's been a few weeks since I've been here because we were helping mother sort through her lifetime of "things".  Since moving to assisted living means "downsizing", she had to make some decisions about what to take with her.  We had to box it all up for her to move, throw out, or donate.  Anyone who's ever had to go through an entire lifetime of things and memories of a BPD mother will understand the scope of the task physically and emotionally. 

We moved her stuff and unpacked it all and set up her apartment to be a reproduction of her house.  In terms of decorating I went to immense effort to make it comfortable for her. One example: I went to the extent of taking a picture of all the "stuff" on the front of her fridge (magnets and pictures) and reproducing it exactly on her new fridge.  It took an hour.  (I try too hard.)

Then we moved her.

In her words "I didn't know you could do something like this".  A backhanded compliment that I decided to accept.

A few days later: of course she's not happy.  Bawling.  Angry.  More bawling.  More anger.  Texting us her demands for all kinds of things, and called my dear husband (who's been taking her to appointments, maintaining her home repairs, and getting her groceries for the 3 years since I couldn't emotionally do it anymore) a "dummy". 

So we ignored her until the weekend, as the texts continued to come (we ignored). 

Then yesterday, we brought her the things she demanded.

But not until I called her on her behavior.  And I didn't hold back on the facts.

I pointed out that for a month we put our life on hold.  Spread my arms around her new apartment, to show her the effort we put in.  Took time off work to move her.  And she responds by calling my H a "dummy"?

She laughed.

At first.

So then I reminded her how "mean" she is.  And that she had promised in the hospital while rehabilitating from her fall out of bed, that she wouldn't be mean anymore.   (While we know this isn't possible, it was our way of showing her that she failed at her promise to "not be mean").

Then I told her that what I wanted was a "mom".  And not _______ ___________ (her father's name who was mean and abused her). I pointed out that she's just like him.

Then I named family friends who don't treat their children the way she treats us, such as "dummy".

I wasn't unkind when I did it.   I was stating the facts.  I told her how disappointed in her I was for her continued meanness, and for calling my H a "dummy" .  (Not that it matters, but for the record, he's a calculus instructor and no "dummy".)

Outside, with staff, I shared what was going on.  Since she arrived mid-April, they already figured out she's "complicated".  They knew she wasn't eating (I had warned them she's an anorexic on the low end of the spectrum). They already observed she was struggling emotionally, and I confirmed it, and explained her lifelong mood disorder, which always ended in her dumping her toxic feelings on me (and more recently my husband).
They were completely supportive.  One of them shared she also grew up in an abusive household, and told me (H was upstairs with mom still) to go home and take care of ourselves, and they would look after mom, and that they had "strong shoulders" and were used to this with the residents.

OMG.  First time in my life someone else has been responsible for her.  TG.

So I went upstairs with the worker and told mom we were going to say good bye and mom said "good", emphatically.  The next thing I heard the worker say was how lucky she was to have us as kids, and that she had the most beautiful apartment in the whole complex, and how hard we had worked to make it that way for her.

The next day I got this text from her:

"Nothing is more precious than family.  When I saw that plastic cup you brought I know you both care."

I didn't reply. Plastic cup?  Really?

Any feedback or suggestions?

I am at the point where I just can't stand her.  She's an awful person.  I'm ashamed to call her my mother.  And it just hurts so much that after all my H has done to support her, she's resorted to calling him names when he doesn't "jump" to do her bidding, after insulting him.

Having said that, I am so thankful she's in assisted living.  She got accepted there because she stated in the hospital that she would either go into assisted living or commit suicide.  We also declared to the local health authority that we couldn't be her caretakers any more.  There was a time that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and thought she would die in her home leaving us responsible for keeping her "going" in her own home forever. 

Now, while the abuse towards us continues, at least she's in "care".  That's a world of relief.

But she is still pi_ _ ing me off, big time, and making me miserable.  If I've never been able to stand up for myself, I found the courage to stand up for my H.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so glad to hear that your mother is finally in assisted living. Sometimes when we are exiting an abusive situation, all kinds of uncomfortable feelings come up, which don't allow us to feel as good as we would like to right away. Hopefully, there will be more feelings of relief as time goes on, knowing that you and your husband are no longer prisoners of being the first resort to look after your mother and that she is well cared for in assisted living.

[Lalisa]

Oh Methuen, I am so so happy for you and your family. I know the move has been tough and it has not 'fixed' your mother's moods and behaviour but you now have support from the care staff and the peace of mind that you are not solely responsible for her. I am so glad you spoke honestly with her about her bad behaviour. My mother was also horrible to my husband and treated him like dirt - it hurts so much but we have to put boundries in place.
My mother moved into a care home last August and I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. Things are not perfect but her BPD behaviours have calmed down because I think a lot of it was linked to fear and loneliness. Its not perfect but it's manageable and I can go on holidays for the first time in my life and not worry about suicide threats or all the other drama. Wishing you all the best as you move throught this new period.

[Notwendy]

This is a big step in the right direction for both of you. BPD mother will get the care she needs and you won't be responsible for so much of it. Glad this happened for you!

Still, wherever she is, she still has BPD. How she relates to people doesn't change.

This is an adjustement for her. It would be for any elderly person who is no longer in their own home, and is in a new unfamilar place. My BPD mother's behaviors were escalated right after she moved in.

You know this is what your mother needed and that it is best for her. It was also what my BPD mother needed- after she almost got herself evicted before moving into assisted living but her version was that "her family forced her out of her home".

I'd ignore that plastic cup comment. It makes no sense. Just put it in the category of projected feelings. As to all the work you did and calling your H a dummy- we had a similar pattern too. Whatever I did to try to help my mother-she'd report something I did or didn't do that displeased her.

This is also a big change for you. Think about this- as children, we were raised with the expectation to please our mothers. This was a form of validation and also security- which to a child is survival. "As long as I am pleasing mother, as long as I am doing things for her- I will be OK" was a part of our magical thinking. For my BPD mother- having people "do things for her" met an emotional need, and so being in servitude to her was a way to relate to her.

Now that your mother's basic needs at assisted living are met, this is a change in the dynamic for both of you. It's a positive for you but it is also a change- for you to adjust to as well. Assisted living will take a lot of the physical demands for you but emotionally- there's still that relationship and she still has BPD.

So glad this happened for you and your H though! It is going to be a big help.