Mother in assisted living now

[Methuen]

It's been a few weeks since I've been here because we were helping mother sort through her lifetime of "things".  Since moving to assisted living means "downsizing", she had to make some decisions about what to take with her.  We had to box it all up for her to move, throw out, or donate.  Anyone who's ever had to go through an entire lifetime of things and memories of a BPD mother will understand the scope of the task physically and emotionally. 

We moved her stuff and unpacked it all and set up her apartment to be a reproduction of her house.  In terms of decorating I went to immense effort to make it comfortable for her. One example: I went to the extent of taking a picture of all the "stuff" on the front of her fridge (magnets and pictures) and reproducing it exactly on her new fridge.  It took an hour.  (I try too hard.)

Then we moved her.

In her words "I didn't know you could do something like this".  A backhanded compliment that I decided to accept.

A few days later: of course she's not happy.  Bawling.  Angry.  More bawling.  More anger.  Texting us her demands for all kinds of things, and called my dear husband (who's been taking her to appointments, maintaining her home repairs, and getting her groceries for the 3 years since I couldn't emotionally do it anymore) a "dummy". 

So we ignored her until the weekend, as the texts continued to come (we ignored). 

Then yesterday, we brought her the things she demanded.

But not until I called her on her behavior.  And I didn't hold back on the facts.

I pointed out that for a month we put our life on hold.  Spread my arms around her new apartment, to show her the effort we put in.  Took time off work to move her.  And she responds by calling my H a "dummy"?

She laughed.

At first.

So then I reminded her how "mean" she is.  And that she had promised in the hospital while rehabilitating from her fall out of bed, that she wouldn't be mean anymore.   (While we know this isn't possible, it was our way of showing her that she failed at her promise to "not be mean").

Then I told her that what I wanted was a "mom".  And not _______ ___________ (her father's name who was mean and abused her). I pointed out that she's just like him.

Then I named family friends who don't treat their children the way she treats us, such as "dummy".

I wasn't unkind when I did it.   I was stating the facts.  I told her how disappointed in her I was for her continued meanness, and for calling my H a "dummy" .  (Not that it matters, but for the record, he's a calculus instructor and no "dummy".)

Outside, with staff, I shared what was going on.  Since she arrived mid-April, they already figured out she's "complicated".  They knew she wasn't eating (I had warned them she's an anorexic on the low end of the spectrum). They already observed she was struggling emotionally, and I confirmed it, and explained her lifelong mood disorder, which always ended in her dumping her toxic feelings on me (and more recently my husband).
They were completely supportive.  One of them shared she also grew up in an abusive household, and told me (H was upstairs with mom still) to go home and take care of ourselves, and they would look after mom, and that they had "strong shoulders" and were used to this with the residents.

OMG.  First time in my life someone else has been responsible for her.  TG.

So I went upstairs with the worker and told mom we were going to say good bye and mom said "good", emphatically.  The next thing I heard the worker say was how lucky she was to have us as kids, and that she had the most beautiful apartment in the whole complex, and how hard we had worked to make it that way for her.

The next day I got this text from her:

"Nothing is more precious than family.  When I saw that plastic cup you brought I know you both care."

I didn't reply. Plastic cup?  Really?

Any feedback or suggestions?

I am at the point where I just can't stand her.  She's an awful person.  I'm ashamed to call her my mother.  And it just hurts so much that after all my H has done to support her, she's resorted to calling him names when he doesn't "jump" to do her bidding, after insulting him.

Having said that, I am so thankful she's in assisted living.  She got accepted there because she stated in the hospital that she would either go into assisted living or commit suicide.  We also declared to the local health authority that we couldn't be her caretakers any more.  There was a time that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, and thought she would die in her home leaving us responsible for keeping her "going" in her own home forever. 

Now, while the abuse towards us continues, at least she's in "care".  That's a world of relief.

But she is still pi_ _ ing me off, big time, and making me miserable.  If I've never been able to stand up for myself, I found the courage to stand up for my H.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so glad to hear that your mother is finally in assisted living. Sometimes when we are exiting an abusive situation, all kinds of uncomfortable feelings come up, which don't allow us to feel as good as we would like to right away. Hopefully, there will be more feelings of relief as time goes on, knowing that you and your husband are no longer prisoners of being the first resort to look after your mother and that she is well cared for in assisted living.

[Lalisa]

Oh Methuen, I am so so happy for you and your family. I know the move has been tough and it has not 'fixed' your mother's moods and behaviour but you now have support from the care staff and the peace of mind that you are not solely responsible for her. I am so glad you spoke honestly with her about her bad behaviour. My mother was also horrible to my husband and treated him like dirt - it hurts so much but we have to put boundries in place.
My mother moved into a care home last August and I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. Things are not perfect but her BPD behaviours have calmed down because I think a lot of it was linked to fear and loneliness. Its not perfect but it's manageable and I can go on holidays for the first time in my life and not worry about suicide threats or all the other drama. Wishing you all the best as you move throught this new period.

[Notwendy]

This is a big step in the right direction for both of you. BPD mother will get the care she needs and you won't be responsible for so much of it. Glad this happened for you!

Still, wherever she is, she still has BPD. How she relates to people doesn't change.

This is an adjustement for her. It would be for any elderly person who is no longer in their own home, and is in a new unfamilar place. My BPD mother's behaviors were escalated right after she moved in.

You know this is what your mother needed and that it is best for her. It was also what my BPD mother needed- after she almost got herself evicted before moving into assisted living but her version was that "her family forced her out of her home".

I'd ignore that plastic cup comment. It makes no sense. Just put it in the category of projected feelings. As to all the work you did and calling your H a dummy- we had a similar pattern too. Whatever I did to try to help my mother-she'd report something I did or didn't do that displeased her.

This is also a big change for you. Think about this- as children, we were raised with the expectation to please our mothers. This was a form of validation and also security- which to a child is survival. "As long as I am pleasing mother, as long as I am doing things for her- I will be OK" was a part of our magical thinking. For my BPD mother- having people "do things for her" met an emotional need, and so being in servitude to her was a way to relate to her.

Now that your mother's basic needs at assisted living are met, this is a change in the dynamic for both of you. It's a positive for you but it is also a change- for you to adjust to as well. Assisted living will take a lot of the physical demands for you but emotionally- there's still that relationship and she still has BPD.

So glad this happened for you and your H though! It is going to be a big help.





 

[Methuen]

Thanks for the well wishes.

I feel like I need some space from my mom.  I had a BIG dose 20+ hours a week for 4+ weeks to help her move.  Then she called my H a dummy, and implied other daughters and people do  more for her than I/we have done.

This weekend is two family birthdays.  One is mine. She will expect me to go see her on my birthday so that I can listen to her complain, and cry, and/or accuse/blame/insult me or H.  But I really need a "break" from her.  So why do I feel badly about not wanting to see her.  What is the right thing to do here?

The following weekend is Mother's Day.  It's a double whammy on two back to back weekends. I became her dumping ground for all her toxic feelings around 25 years ago when my father became ill, and eventually died.  I now suspect he used to be her "dumping ground" which I started to observe more during his lengthy illness. She was mean to him and called him a retard. Since his death my job as a daughter was to serve my mother's every need.  I tried to do this until I burned out.  As she aged, her BPD only got worse.  Now she treats my H badly too.  Am I to honour her on mother's day?  She is the person who makes me (and H) miserable!

We live in the same small community.  Sending flowers isn't a good fit.  Delivering them feels inauthentic. 

She has really also been a covert narcissist over her life.  To non-family, she was charming, quirky, and fun to be around.  To immediate family, the journey has been a nightmare.

She is seeking attention and reaching out to her friends to tell them she is lonely in assisted living.  They respond with visits, kindness, and by giving her the attention she needs, which is never enough.  She is manipulative with others too, but they just see a sad lonely frail old lady.  They know nothing about BPD.  They know nothing about the kind of mother she has been. 

To not do something on Mother's Day doesn't feel right.  But to do anything nice for her feels inauthentic to me.

I am so conflicted.  And distressed. And really really sad.

Family occasions like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day are just so painful.

[Notwendy]

She is seeking attention and reaching out to her friends to tell them she is lonely in assisted living.  They respond with visits, kindness, and by giving her the attention she needs, which is never enough.  She is manipulative with others too, but they just see a sad lonely frail old lady.  They know nothing about BPD.  They know nothing about the kind of mother she has been. 

To not do something on Mother's Day doesn't feel right.  But to do anything nice for her feels inauthentic to me.

I am so conflicted.  And distressed. And really really sad.

Family occasions like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day are just so painful.

Good for the friends. As long as they are willing to pay attention to your mother- that is a good thing for her. I was glad for my mother that she had people who cared about her. Eventually though they didn't- which makes me wonder if maybe she acted out with them.

Gifts are difficult but I usually went with flowers. It seemed to be the best of all the choices.

Gift were a dilemma. One is that we could not ever know if she liked them or not, or even if she kept them or threw them out. While I didn't want to not send one, I would think- would I feel badly if I knew she threw it in the trash? Flowers seemed to be the best fit, and when nothing seems ideal- they seemed the better choice of them all. They are pretty and visible- people will see them and comment on them and she can say "my children sent these to me" which boosts her self image.

Delivery could be rationalized as the florists have special delivery trucks and they are difficult to handle if they are in a vase with water. The staff can help her arrange them. They can come with baloons that are also large and diffucult to transport- so go with that so you feel OK with using delivery. Your mother will then have a large gift for people to see.

On your birthday- do something special for yourself- out of town. Even if it's driving 30 minutes to the next town- you can still be "out of town" for the day. Same for Mother's Day- you are a mother too. You can have your day. Send your mother a big lovely flowers and baloons arrangement with delivery. It's an investment in your emotional well being to not bring them to her.

My BPD mother has called us "stupid" and things like that. You know your father tolerated a lot. Mine did. But you don't have to.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I really understand about the guilt trip. I had distanced myself from my mother with BPD in the last years of her life, and I have distanced myself from most of my large extended family. The people who work at the assisted living facility know that many of their residents do not have any visitors to speak of, likely because how they have mistreated those closest family members, and will certainly not judge you for doing nothing or very little for your mother for special occasions like Mother's Day. As for the people who don't get it, it takes time not to feel so badly about being harshly judged by these flying monkeys, and it never feels good to have another person critical of your choices when they make no effort to understand what might be your side of the story. You are for the first time in many years, your own person, free to do or not do what works for you for  Mother's Day and other special occasions like your birthday. Your mother is no longer in a situation in which she can easily take revenge, as you and your husband are now in a position to choose what to do for her, knowing she is well cared for and no longer your responsibility. Wishing you a well deserved Happy Birthday and Mother's Day.