Hi everyone
,
It’s been another couple of years since I’ve posted on here, and I’m struggling again. First issue - I found out 9 months ago from my therapist that my new partner of 2.5 years has BPD. My therapist suspected this for a while and then decided to tell me his suspicions. He asked me, “Aren’t you tired of being the villain?” I was devastated that I ended up in another relationship with someone with uBPD, although this one is a bit different than my exW.
You know what? It happens. There are millions of people out there with personality disorders, and as we get older I assume the available dating pool has an even higher percentage of them, as people who are not disordered most likely stay married or otherwise coupled in happy relationships.
I also found myself in another bad relationship after I divorced, and while I have no idea if she was BPD or something else, she fits several of the BPD characteristics. Bottom line is, I got in deeper than I should have. I think I had learned some things after my earlier divorce, but not quite as much as I needed. I didn't listen to my gut when I KNEW that regardless of who said or did what, we were not a match and I could not trust her to communicate openly and fairly with me. I didn't get off the hamster wheel when I first suspected I was on one.
I've been in this similar discussion topic here before, generally speaking "
Why do I keep attracting people like this?" and personally, I think attraction is such a complicated thing that it's hard to say, and shouldn't be the focus here. And also, what can you do about it? Change your behavior? Maybe. Change who you are? How you dress? There might be something obvious about how you meet people that is an issue. But maybe not... maybe it's just a matter of there are disordered people out there, and you just have bad luck dating. And like you said, they're often different enough that you don't always see the same
.
I think the better thing to focus on is: why do I allow relationships with pwBPD (or any other personality disorder for that matter) to develop and continue as long as they do? This is something you can control. Are you continuously ignoring slights and abusive conduct because you're afraid if you stand up for yourself they'll just leave? Afraid of the consequences of what they might do?
These are things you need to work on. I think you need to get to a point where you can tell the person: "
Hey, I just don't like how you're behaving. Stop" and if they don't stop, you end it and walk away, and don't second guess yourself or listen to their excuses. Any adult who can't understand and follow a straightforward request from their partner probably should not be in a relationship, and it's not your problem, it's their problem.
... I broke up with him on January 1 and told him I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone for at least 4 years. I felt I had to say that because he is vacillating between telling me how devastated he is at our breakup and trying to get me back.
This is kinda what I am talking about: you felt you needed to "soften the blow" and have some other excuse for separating because you don't like how he's treated you. And is it even true? If you met a great guy 3 years from now, would you avoid dating him because you told your ex you didn't want a relationship with anyone for 4 years? If not, why say it? this may not seem like a big deal, but you can see how this sort of dishonest behavior from a BPD influences our own, and it's something to work on.
I’m attempting the friendship thing because he doesn’t have many friends and is in a dark place right now with a lot of physical and psychological challenges. ...
Maybe you have some co-dependent tendencies here? It's good to care about people, but also, some people don't ever bear the consequences of their own actions and behavior, and that's why they don't have many friends. Why are you making it your obligation to try to help him with this? Do you think you're going to help him get over this period in his life and he's going to show improvement? What if he doesn't you find yourself just going through the same cycle over and over again? How long are you prepared to run on this hamster wheel before you give up again?
Second issue - my SS22 who is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and schizophrenia spectrum (and with whom I haven’t had much contact since my divorce from his mom) called me from the hospital needing help. He blew up his life by going off his meds after moving downstate with his (now ex) fiancé and won’t have anywhere to go when he’s discharged. He hasn’t had a job in months and has been smoking weed heavily everyday. He’s called me 10 times in 3 days asking if I’ll pick him up if he has nowhere to go. His fiancé doesn’t want him back (and it’s her apartment since she’s the one working) and neither his parents nor his grandparents will take him in.
I want to help him but I also know he can’t live with me for long. I have a tiny apartment and too much on my plate already. I asked the hospital social worker what the long-term housing options are for him, and she said mental health nursing homes. He doesn’t have Medicaid but he should be able to get it since he has no income. How much should I help him? I’ll also post this on the parenting board to see if they have ideas for me.
Thank you,
Warriorprincess
I would be concerned that once he's in your apartment, he's not going leave voluntarily, and you've now got this volatile person physically in your life and in situations where you're vulnerable (i.e. asleep).
Personally, I think you could best help him do what the nurse mentioned above, and get him into a mental health nursing home and try to find treatment options for him. Maybe offer moral support over the phone, but do not allow him into your actual life beyond that.
If you do decide to allow him to stay with you, I'd have the same questions as in regard to how long you plan to caretake your BPDxBF: how long would you allow SS22 to stay? What if every month he just needs another month because - predictably - he won't take his meds and won't get help, as is his established behavior pattern up to this point? When will you draw the line?
What if he becomes violent or refuses to leave?
Do you call the police, knowing that could have a bad outcome?
What options would you have in that situation?
