Looking to integrate my past with Mom with BPD

[findingsomething]

I am posting here because I want to heal the trauma I experienced in childhood from having a Mom with BPD and ensure it stops impacting my current relationships. Most notably I just woke up to how I treat my wife as if she was my Mom with BPD and how I hide my needs, wants, and emotions for fear of them negatively setting her and others off.

I grew up with a Mom with BPD. She was diagnosed during the custody battle when my parents divorced when I was 3. My Dad ended up with primary custody after my Mom tried a lot of very shady things during the custody battle to accuse my Dad of things he didn't do. I would see her most weekends and over the summer. I knew things were off and it became clear as I got older how volatile she was, how she lied to look good to me and others, and how I had to adjust who I was to feel safe around her.

When I was 18, I traveled to visit her she lived at the time (she moved away when I was 14) and gave her the ultimatum that she needed to go into therapy or I was going to go non-contact. I couldn't handle her and be at a demanding college at the same time. She reacted very poorly and although I was staying in a hotel, she insisted on staying with me. I was so afraid she was going to hurt herself or hurt me, but nothing ended up happening. I left the next day and haven't talked to her since.

I am 40 now and have no idea if she is still alive (she would be 72 if she was). I went to Hoffman last eyar and did a fair amount of repairing through that experience, but I can see how there is still a lot of trauma still here. I see now that she really did love me and I love myself so much mroe thanks to Hoffman, but that hasn't materially changed how I show up with my wife. She is an amazing woman and yet I still treat her the way I treat my Mom, worried about any emotions she might have and what they mean for her love of me. I want to be living more as my true self and start moving on from these patterns. They make sense they are there but they don't serve me anymore.

I just finished reading "Walking on Eggshells" and came to this forum. I want to start exploring what the forum has to offer and it seems like there are a lot of great resources here. I also find it very overwhelming to process everything right now and be entering this process.

What feels most in service of me is to source a professional therapist who can work with me and with the same or a different therapist with my wife as a couple. I am also interested in doing more learning and exercises on my own. I am open to traditional therapy and more out there experiences like clinical medicine journey work or retreats.

I would love to hear from this forum knowing my situation, what might be most in service of me healing these wounds and allowing me to flourish. Thanks in advance!

[zachira]

Welcome to the forum! You are not alone in suffering from many long term effects in your relationships from having a mother with BPD. Realizing how this effects your relationship with your wife and being courageous in looking at how to improve your relationship with your wife shows that you really love your wife and care about other people. It is a long journey and the most important step is coming to terms with how your mother with BPD has impacted you.

My mother with BPD left me in the crib all day as a baby and had no capacity to do face to face empathetic contact with her children. I have avoidant attachment, which means I am way too independent and am very challenged in having close relationships and making friends. I have never married and been single most of my life. I have been to therapy for over 10 years. I am continually noticing how I interact in ways with others and learning new ways to better my relationships with self and others. As hard as it is, I am very glad to have discovered the truth and happier than I have ever been with all the ways I have changed for the better.

Your wife is lucky to have you. It is rare to find a partner that is willing to do what it takes to have a happier and more loving relationship.

[WalkbyFaith]

I just want to say that you are not alone! Many of us who grew up with a BPD parent still struggle with being able to be honest about our needs and wants, struggling with the fear of being too much or of a negative reaction.  Good for you for seeking help. It will be so beneficial to your own health, your marriage, and your family.

[TelHill]

I  (60 yo female) was raised by a mother with BPD and someone who constantly raged and complained.. I know she loved me but it was distorted by the symptoms of her bpd. She was a person who split more often than not and almost each day was a scream fest. The description of an adult mean girl fits her to a tee.

I have attachment issues as Zachira describes. It’s hard for me to ask for help from anyone and form female friendships. I think disaster is always around the corner. Those feel off to me. It’s easier to have male friendships as my father was a stable person although he enabled my mother’s bullying ways.

I’m happy you have a supportive partner. That’s a true godsend!