Abuse Accusations and moving on from it

[Chi Chi]

Hello, sorry this is a long one. I've never typed it out or said it to people before.

Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and possible abuse.

TLDR - I had a bad relationship with someone (Me 18, her 20) that lasted just under 3 years. There was cheating involved, money issues, shouting, name calling. It was a lot, the question at the end is does BPD alter someone's memories or perception of things? or was I just a terrible person who did abuse her? I don't think so but when it's the reason you're losing so many friends, it starts to get to you.

Around 2019 I had just moved out of my family's house for University in the UK. I was 18 and the same year just came out of a 2-year relationship. I met this person who seemed great, and she was 20, she admitted to possibly having BPD but at the time I didn't really know what that was and assumed "I've dated people with mental health problems, that's ok because I like them for them"

We dated on and off for the next 2 years through lockdown and even lived together for one of those years. In that period, 5 major things happened that led my, now ex, to accuse me of being abusive and so I lost all my friends who she was integrated with.

1, Pinning her down - For the first 2 months of our relationship she would have what I called "Episodes" where I would wake about 4-5 AM to her getting dressed. When I asked where she was going she would say either 'For a walk' or 'I'm going to **** myself' obviously this was alarming so I would get up and stand in front of the door to block her leaving, even if it was for a walk since I knew the spot she planned to do it was close by. She would try and push me out of the way; due to my disability there was only so much I could do before trying to gently get her on the floor where I would try to hold her down until she calmed down and agreed to come back to bed. I understand this was a bad thing to do but I wasn't thinking in the moment what was the most ethical but more "How do I stop someone I care about from hurting themselves" This happened around 8 times in 2-3 months before never happening again.

2, Cheating - At some point we floated the idea of having a threesome. This was shortly after the first lockdown had been lifted and my ex had also recently had a miscarriage. Looking back on it, we were both not thinking correctly. We met this person (A) who we agreed to go on a night out with, after dancing and drinking I asked if we should invite A to our place. My ex said "Yeah, maybe" so when A returned, I asked if she wanted to come back with us. We all got home, and my ex told me "I didn't want her here, we're not doing anything tonight" I said I was sorry I didn't realise and agreed nothing to happen. Later as we all laid in bed together A held my hand and started to move it to her crotch area. I panicked and wasn't sure what to do, later a therapist told me it sounds like a Freeze Fawn response. After A was finished, she got up and left. As soon as she left, I told my ex what happened, she then got angry at me stating "How could you do this to me? Am I that much of a horrible person?"

After this she refused to talk about the situation but wanted to continue the relationship. Later I came to the realisation that I am Asexual/Demisexual, when my ex found out I "Didn't get anything out of it" they then assumed I must have done it to just hurt her, which wasn't the case. During the 2nd lockdown I had discovered I was trans, a few months went by, and I was feeling iffy in my newfound self. My ex wasn't entirely supportive and would make offhand comments such as "I don't want you wearing a wedding dress at our wedding because you'll be more pretty than me" one day when I said "I think I'm at the point where a stranger thinks I'm just an ugly cis woman" my ex responds with "Yeah I get that" At some point I found myself on Reddit as that's what me and my ex used to use for adult content to send to each other. I found a forum that was like a live chat, I sent a chat saying "I'm a trans woman who's well endowed" in hopes that sexualising myself would make me feel better and wanted. I quickly realised how stupid that was and deleted the text/chat. A couple weeks go by, and my ex sees there's responses to a text that had been deleted, I explained what happened and according to my ex that was the straw that broke our relationship and when she stopped having feelings for me. The relationship continued for 9 months after that.

3, Money problems - Being a university student and her freshly dropped out of Uni. Money was tight. I was given just under 1 thousand pounds to see me for 3 months until my next loan. That was for food, travel, books, computers. Anything I needed for studies and living. My ex didn't get the full loan and could barely afford her rent. This meant I would be feeding both of us as I thought "that's just what couples do" So this means 500 between 2 people for 3 months, around £166 a month for everything. Typically, I would use some of that money (Around 2-300) to buy things for my course and to treat myself such as a new computer as my course was about editing video, and one time a Nintendo Switch. Unsurprisingly, our money would quickly run out, especially since my ex would like to get takeaways about twice a week. When my personal money ran out, she would then ask her parents for Tesco click and collect but would only get 2 weeks' worth of food for 1 person. She said she didn't want her parents knowing that they were feeding me too. When the Tesco shop ran out, she would then ask her grandparents for £5 knowing they would send about £50, she would then use 20-30 of that 50 on getting a Chinese takeaway. When I would ask that we don't she would say "It's my money, I'll do what I want with it" when I said ok, can we do something cheaper then, she would say "I want Chinese" meaning we then had about £20 to see us for 2 weeks before she felt comfortable asking for Tesco click and collect again or asking for money.

In the 2nd year I got a job at a local Subway, it wasn't my intention to work or at least not so soon, but I couldn't afford to look after 2 people. In this time, I also saved enough money to buy my partner a bad £200 PC so that she could join me and my friends on games because she didn't have any friends of her own. While I worked, she would stay at home and play games. This wouldn't be an issue but on a few separate occasions we were threatened with eviction because both our rooms were so covered in trash that you couldn't see the floor. She would constantly be missing uni classes because she hadn't dropped out yet and I felt like I was looking after my partner as a full-time carer. I would do the shopping because they hated social interaction, I would have uni work to do, I had my job which was about 20-40 hours a week sometimes and then being threatened with eviction. I was on the edge constantly and felt like I had my guard up 24/7.

Eventually I failed one of my modules because I uploaded a wrong file and failed the entire year, I had to redo my year 2. At this point my disability got so bad I had to quit my job and that's when my ex dropped out and moved out of the uni dorms. Leaving me in 3 grand of debt trying to keep us alive and a 2nd year of uni that I had to wait to do, cutting me off from the friends I had made in first year. I had tried to plan time alone as since the first time we met, we essentially were living together. She didn't like me trying to schedule time apart and I said if I didn't then we just wouldn't do it. It never came to that, and we spent nearly every day with each other for the next 2 years-ish.

4, Name calling and losing temper - During the period of me working, evictions, failing modules. Me and my ex got into a lot of fights; it would be mostly screaming matches where she seemed to eerily stay calm which made me angrier like I was overreacting. I was angry at the fact that I couldn't afford to live, and she did nothing to help that. I came to realise that when I got heated, I would need time alone so I could calm down and talk with her normally. She didn't listen. One time I was in my room, and we were arguing (Not sure what about, probably money again) and I asked her to leave so I could calm down. She refused. I started escorting her to the door and asked her again to leave but she fought back and refused, continuing to yell at me. We lived in student halls so her room was next to mine, she could have sat in her room on her PC and waited. At some point I walked past her and went to the bathroom so I could lock the door and keep her away so I could have some time to myself, she didn't let me.

Eventually I lost my temper, came out and pushed her on her shoulders from the bathroom to her door. I stopped when I realised what I was doing, when I saw that she was scared. I hated what I was becoming. She went into her room and I, into mine. I sat in silence for a good while before knocking on her door and apologising for everything. I never did anything like that again; I booked myself a therapist at the university and quit my job. After that, things seemed better. Or so I thought.

5, Emotional cheating - In the 9 months where my ex claimed she lost feelings for me, she got really close with one of my friends online (T) Since T was from a different country there was a big-time delay. This meant some nights it would be around 2-3 AM when my ex said "Do you want to play this game with T?" to which I said no, want to play games together and she said "No, it's ok I'll just go to bed" I had my suspicions, especially since she admitted to having feelings for a different one of my friends the previous year. After we broke up, this time for good. A month went by and while in a voice chat with my friend T, we were talking about D&D while he was sharing his screen to me. I noticed a text from my ex to him calling him "puppy" My heart started racing, I got my phone and before he could stop sharing the screen I took a photo of the chats between the two of them and saw them both calling each other pet names such as puppy and saying "No, I love you more" I quickly left the call and felt a lot of pain, I felt betrayed. I thought the least he could have done is asked if I was over my ex before pursuing a relationship with her.

Within a few weeks I had calmed down enough to talk to him privately, it went well. I had to accept that I couldn't do anything about the situation anyway, he told me "Nothing happened while you were together" which I thought was a cliché thing to say, I was confused as me and my ex still shared explicit texts and photos to each other during the time we were separated. After this me and my ex had a call to try and settle things as they kept tweeting things about me vaguely saying "If you're such a better person, why don't you tell everyone the things you did to me. The times you pinned me down and left bruises" and when I confronted her about missing context she would say "Context doesn't matter" I thought the best thing was to then avoid the situation and say nothing my ex even said to me she wanted me out of the group chat ideally. Being silent however made my friend group assume I WAS abusive otherwise I would have said something. They kicked me out of the group chat

This happened just under 3 years ago since I was kicked out. She is still dating my old friend, and I even heard that she "tested him" but don't know the full context other than she "wanted to see what he'd do". Since then, she would view my profiles on TikTok and Instagram twice a month. One time I texted saying "If you want to talk then please just do so, otherwise please stop viewing my profile as I don't think it's healthy"

I've been struggling with myself wondering if I was abusive or a bad person. I've seen 2 therapists since being kicked from the group and both say similar things that the relationship was a grey area at best. During the relationship I would even try and help her as much as I could. Cleaning her room so we could see the floor, cooking for her, even saying I could book a doctor's appointment for her but she would need to go in, but she refused. She never had any diagnosis or medication for BPD but always said she had it. Even said it to defend her bad behaviour "if any" at the end of our relationship.

Does BPD alter memories or twist things for the person with BPD? Or was I actually just a bad person who abused her? My current partner has told me that even if I was that person back then, I'm not that person anymore. But it still sits on my mind, especially since this is the first time I've really said the whole story to others that aren't a therapist and who will understand BPD.

[Mutt]

Hi Chi Chi,

Thank you for sharing your story—it’s incredibly brave to open up about such vulnerable experiences, especially when you’re still carrying the weight of them years later. It’s clear you were navigating an overwhelming and emotionally charged relationship, often doing your best with limited tools, support, and understanding. The fact that you’re reflecting, seeking therapy, and questioning your role shows deep self-awareness and a genuine desire to grow—not traits of an abusive person, but of someone trying to heal. Mental illness, especially untreated BPD, can distort perception and memory, complicating what’s already a painful dynamic. You’re not alone in this grey area, and your past doesn’t define who you are today. Keep being kind to yourself—you’re doing the hard work of healing.

[HoratioX]

It sounds like you're in the UK, so I don't know what the laws might be there. In the U.S., though, if you pin someone down or block their leaving, you might well be breaking the law, and, yes, you might be guilty of assault. Even if laws in your own country don't specify that, I'd strongly encourage you not to put your hands on someone or stop them from leaving if they wish to.

There may be a line there between such and restraint if a person is clearly trying to harm themselves or another person, but that doesn't sound like what you're describing.

In terms of memory issues, from what I've read/heard, yes, a serious mental illness like BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) can not only alter a person's perceptions but also their memory. In particular, I've read on more than one occasion about how BPD essentially makes a person's feelings their reality. That is, if they feel you've cheated even when you haven't, that feeling to them is as real as if they'd caught you in the act. They not only act on that feeling as though it is reality, that's what they may remember in the future.

This is one of the things that makes someone with BPD potentially quite dangerous -- they can easily falsely accuse someone of assault or worse and truly believe it, even though it never happened. In this age of "believe the accuser," that means a false accusation can be devastating to a person's life or career. It's why I tell people to document what they can.

My ex with BPD, etc., had memory issues all the time. They could be as simple as forgetting what we'd done a few days before to forgetting the names of people close to her. She would sometimes misremember details, getting the basic idea right.

In her case, she was on a variety of medications to treat her issues. Some of the side effects are memory issues and cognitive impairment. These are powerful drugs. So, to differentiate between what might be her mental illness and what might be a side effect is tough. She could also drink (though really only socially) and liked weed once in a while -- both can, of course, alter perceptions and memories. Mixed with her medications, the combination could easily make someone healthy have memory issues.

I want to reiterate, though, being mindful of the potential for physical assault. You don't have to hit someone to assault them. Indeed, in this country, merely touching a police officer without permission can get you arrested for assault. I don't mean this in a condescending way, but you're young. Not too long ago, you could have played roughhouse with people your age and not thought twice about it. That changes when you reach adulthood, even if just barely. The same behaviors now could get you in serious trouble. That can be even worse if it turns out someone with BPD remembers the events differently and accuses you of even worse things.

[Chi Chi]

It sounds like you're in the UK, so I don't know what the laws might be there. In the U.S., though, if you pin someone down or block their leaving, you might well be breaking the law, and, yes, you might be guilty of assault. Even if laws in your own country don't specify that, I'd strongly encourage you not to put your hands on someone or stop them from leaving if they wish to.

There may be a line there between such and restraint if a person is clearly trying to harm themselves or another person, but that doesn't sound like what you're describing.

In terms of memory issues, from what I've read/heard, yes, a serious mental illness like BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) can not only alter a person's perceptions but also their memory. In particular, I've read on more than one occasion about how BPD essentially makes a person's feelings their reality. That is, if they feel you've cheated even when you haven't, that feeling to them is as real as if they'd caught you in the act. They not only act on that feeling as though it is reality, that's what they may remember in the future.

This is one of the things that makes someone with BPD potentially quite dangerous -- they can easily falsely accuse someone of assault or worse and truly believe it, even though it never happened. In this age of "believe the accuser," that means a false accusation can be devastating to a person's life or career. It's why I tell people to document what they can.

My ex with BPD, etc., had memory issues all the time. They could be as simple as forgetting what we'd done a few days before to forgetting the names of people close to her. She would sometimes misremember details, getting the basic idea right.

In her case, she was on a variety of medications to treat her issues. Some of the side effects are memory issues and cognitive impairment. These are powerful drugs. So, to differentiate between what might be her mental illness and what might be a side effect is tough. She could also drink (though really only socially) and liked weed once in a while -- both can, of course, alter perceptions and memories. Mixed with her medications, the combination could easily make someone healthy have memory issues.

I want to reiterate, though, being mindful of the potential for physical assault. You don't have to hit someone to assault them. Indeed, in this country, merely touching a police officer without permission can get you arrested for assault. I don't mean this in a condescending way, but you're young. Not too long ago, you could have played roughhouse with people your age and not thought twice about it. That changes when you reach adulthood, even if just barely. The same behaviors now could get you in serious trouble. That can be even worse if it turns out someone with BPD remembers the events differently and accuses you of even worse things.

Hello, yes in the UK and yes I was restraining them as they said they were going to take their own life. I tried to be vague as I'm not sure the policies on this website as to what I can or can't say. I said in the longer portion that at the time I was just woke up from sleep and was put into a very scary situation and had to think on my feet fast. Hind sight is 20/20 like looking back I think maybe I could have gone for a walk with her instead or told the reception in my building, at the time it was think fast.

Very true, even at 24 now looking back at my 18 year old self with my ex seems like a whole different world. I will always beleive the accuser especially if the one doing so is a woman/afab as the statistics show she's probably right. I've come to the conclusion that if my ex has to beleive I was abusive to make sure she can get through the day then that's fine by me, the person I blame for it all isn't her or my friend group for kicking me out. It's the government for it's lack of support and education.

[Chi Chi]

Hi Chi Chi,

Thank you for sharing your story—it’s incredibly brave to open up about such vulnerable experiences, especially when you’re still carrying the weight of them years later. It’s clear you were navigating an overwhelming and emotionally charged relationship, often doing your best with limited tools, support, and understanding. The fact that you’re reflecting, seeking therapy, and questioning your role shows deep self-awareness and a genuine desire to grow—not traits of an abusive person, but of someone trying to heal. Mental illness, especially untreated BPD, can distort perception and memory, complicating what’s already a painful dynamic. You’re not alone in this grey area, and your past doesn’t define who you are today. Keep being kind to yourself—you’re doing the hard work of healing.

Thank you, it means a lot to read that. I just wanted to make sure that even if they're still undiagnosed that I can only hope I didn't add more damage to their life. After reading posts here and watching the very helpful videos. I can't imagine the struggles people with BPD go through. I no longer feel angry at my ex or my friends, if anything now at the government for a lack of support and education around mental health and disorders that can affect anyone.

[SinisterComplex]

Hello, yes in the UK and yes I was restraining them as they said they were going to take their own life. I tried to be vague as I'm not sure the policies on this website as to what I can or can't say. I said in the longer portion that at the time I was just woke up from sleep and was put into a very scary situation and had to think on my feet fast. Hind sight is 20/20 like looking back I think maybe I could have gone for a walk with her instead or told the reception in my building, at the time it was think fast.

Very true, even at 24 now looking back at my 18 year old self with my ex seems like a whole different world. I will always beleive the accuser especially if the one doing so is a woman/afab as the statistics show she's probably right. I've come to the conclusion that if my ex has to beleive I was abusive to make sure she can get through the day then that's fine by me, the person I blame for it all isn't her or my friend group for kicking me out. It's the government for it's lack of support and education.

Just wanted to jump in and tell you to focus on preserving anonymity above all else. That is the most important thing. Beyond that just be open-minded to hearing various approaches and be coachable. Lastly, also understand that each board has its own rules and culture...if you have questions about that feel free to reach out to staff.

For reference to make it easy on you...feel free to review our guidelines...https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines.

My friend I say my personal welcome to the fam.  I am happy you are here with us and you should find solace within this wonderful community.

Don't worry about the rules too much...just try to be mindful and respectful if you make a mistake I myself or other staff will reach out and guide you. The point is you get back what you put in. We have your back here and hopefully we can help you on your healing journey.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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[PeteWitsend]

...
Does BPD alter memories or twist things for the person with BPD? Or was I actually just a bad person who abused her? My current partner has told me that even if I was that person back then, I'm not that person anymore. But it still sits on my mind, especially since this is the first time I've really said the whole story to others that aren't a therapist and who will understand BPD.

Well, I just noted elsewhere here on the boards that there was a study that found women with BPD had a harder time recalling facts correctly than women that didn't have the personality disorder (link if you're curious: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2633116/).  It's a small sample size though (16 BPD women vs. 16 non-BPD women). 

I'd also note in my experience, that memory is very "self-serving" for pwBPD: if their "twist" on a narrative supports their view of being victimized, they're going to stick with it.  And if you managed to record the correct thing and call them out on it, they become avoidant.  So there's not a completely innocent recall issue there; i.e. they know on some level they're lying, but the lies become part of their reality and they refuse to consider any alternative explanations. 

To answer your other question, I read your entire account and do not think you were abusive.  You're young and you were grappling with a lot of new responsibilities during this time, and on top of that, being forced to caretake a very manipulative and selfish person's mental disorders.  So give yourself a pass.

I'll add, when I first started reaching out online, a few people noted that it was good I sought help when I did and got out when I did (albeit after 5 1/2 years of marriage, and having a child together), whereas they had been married for 10+ years before they sought outside help.  I know they weren't being dismissive of my experience, they meant it as a compliment that I hadn't tolerated it as long as they did.  And I'd say the same to you: consider yourself fortunate here that it's over, you still have a lot of life ahead of you, and most importantly you didn't have a child with her, so you can truly move on without having to try to coparent with a disordered person.

Take the things you've learned from having to deal with this unfortunate situation with you, so that you can hopefully recognize it in future partners and avoid making the same mistakes again.