heartbroken and confused

[Rhdnrs]

My wife of 3 years (together for 10) has suddenly asked for a separation and said she hates me!  This sudden decision has been after a period of 12 months when I have endured her cheating with a dad from the school causing a lot of suspicion and bewilderment given the calibre of the individual.  She has opened up many times (normally when drinking) about her mum and the trauma she suffered growing up.  I tried so hard to listen, to say the right things, to suggest she needed to speak to someone.  She would appear at times more vulnerable to the suggestion but would always say she couldn't speak to anyone as it would be too painful and she was scared they would lock her up!  For what crime?  She has been an amazing step mum to my daughter and we have a beautiful son together.  Our relationship had become toxic with her BPD rage often surfacing.  I was able to calmly bring her episodes to a calm close.  She takes anti anxiety medication (low dose) and also has OCD.  She has never been diagnosed but demonstrates nine out of nine in terms of BPD indicators.  low self esteem, promiscuous, made me feel the most loved I have ever felt...etc....After we were married she admitted to going to an ex who she had an affair with.  I was able to forgive as I admired her 'honesty' but more because I could see she was ill and vulnerable.  I have been so patient despite the need to text men who showed her attention, hiding her phone screen the list goes on.  I left the house to give her space and to protect my son from rage exposure.  I genuinely thought she would see what she would lose by her decision but quickly understood through reading on the subject she was 'splitting' and I was being devalued.  Wedding pictures taken down, meaningful gifts discarded.  She said I had failed to keep her safe when that's all I've ever tried to do.  I was loyal for the whole relationship.  I genuinely thought this time (divorced previously) that I would get it right.  I've been supportive, consistent but for too accommodating.  I've now heard a rumour that yet another local man has caught her eye and it would seem hes her current focus.  I am also suspicious that she has brought him into our family home which has hit me like a train as she simply cannot see the destruction she is causing.  Of course she denied it and accused me of checking up on her and not being a real man.  I am normally a confident and fun guy often referred to as 'attractive' and this was a threat to her as she always thought I would leave her one day.  I love the ground she walks on but do not condone her behaviour.  My daughter will naturally withdraw, my son is angry with her as we have a very strong bond.  I am seeing all our plans evaporate and I'm struggling to come to terms with her decision. I feel hurt, angry, rejected.  But I am fortunate to have a strong sense of self and a strong support network around me.  She doesn't.  She still hurts herself through alcohol and drugs I'm sure.  I thought she got so close at one stage having said her bottle of emotion was overflowing and the pain hadn't been cured by having a child, buying a home, running marathon or getting married.  I spent 10 years trying to take her away from the chaos, reassuring her she was special, that women are equal to men and thought I had provided the fairy tale.  If I'm honest if she was to want to attend therapy and was prepared to work on herself?  I would want to continue the marriage.  But as she seems hellbent on destroying it, is it possible she will want to engage again?  value me again?  Want to heal and keep her home and family together?  Or is she splitting permanently as she has said despite me being aware of how her feelings can change one day to the next.  We've now been separated 3 months.  I am staying at mum parents but about to start formal separation arrangements to protect myself and the children.  I am lost, cant stop crying and struggle to focus.  My world has crumbled and my sons upset is ubearable.  Asking 'mummy, when can daddy come home?'.  any words of advice are welcome.  I am reading the book treading on egg shells which is helping me enormously yet the tears still fall. 

[Mutt]

Hi rn,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this—your pain and heartbreak are deeply felt in every word. It’s clear you’ve given so much of yourself out of love, patience, and hope, even while facing incredibly difficult and painful circumstances. You’ve shown strength by protecting your children and seeking support, and it’s okay to grieve the life you built and believed in. The emotional rollercoaster of loving someone who struggles with BPD traits can leave you feeling lost and questioning everything, but please remember: your compassion, your loyalty, and your desire for healing are powerful signs of the good man and father you are. Keep leaning on your support network and continue the hard work of healing—you deserve peace, clarity, and love in return.

[HoratioX]

A little tough reading that giant block of text, but the parts I saw seem pretty common for someone who has BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.). The rages, the sudden about faces, the lying, the cheating, the promiscuity -- these are all symptoms or behaviors many people who've been involved with someone with BPD, etc., have encountered in their partner.

Can she come back and make amends? Maybe. Will that last? Probably not. BPD, etc., is a serious mental/emotional illness. People who have it keep repeating the same cycles over and over. There is no cure. Some people say it can be treated successfully, meaning the symptoms can go into remission for a period. The person with BPD has to be committed to therapy and self improvement for that to happen. Then, they're not unlike an alcoholic who struggles daily not to drink, except people with BPD arguably are more prone to relapse.

I've also read/heard that the symptoms can decrease with age, perhaps because of hormonal changes. Depending on her age and health, that might be something to help make the situation better.

But, the truth is the odds aren't in favor of all that, at least according what people say or write about BPD, etc.

My advice would be to stay away from such a person if possible. Her behavior sounds typical but also toxic. Though you'll read a lot online from people with BPD about how they're victims who don't want to hurt anyone (and many will claim they haven't), the reality is their partners are victims. The more you stay with someone like that, the more your risk your own mental and emotional well being, not to mention potential physical harm, as some people with BPD can be violent to themselves and others. If you have a child in the household, you might think about the implications.

I do wish you luck. It's not easy getting over a relationship with someone with BPD, and a lot of people go back into one. I think that's a bad idea, and if you discuss it with a therapist, they probably will, too.

[jettybone]

hi,
These patterns sound familiar. I was able to make our relationship work, sometimes meeting with counselors twice a week. By myself of course, because at that time I thought it was all my fault due to my poor childhood. However, after years of learning I finally found the right references, have learned the patterns. My dtr was driven out of our house by my partner targeting her. I wonder if I made the best choice to stay. I will never know. However, I've learned alot about myself and that's been good. I hear the love in your post, whatever your choices, love yourself too. You deserve truth, empathy and support from your partner.
take care