Is this the end or another pause?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello dear users of this forum,

I'm writing to you because I'm on the verge of emotional exhaustion and I would really appreciate any advice you can offer. Thank you in advance for your time and for reading my story.

We met about six months ago, and our relationship developed very quickly and intensely. From the very beginning, there was a strong attraction and a deep emotional connection between us.
She often said she couldn’t be without me for even 15 minutes, showed great love and care, and needed constant attention. We spent a lot of time together, and I felt needed and important.
This was the idealization phase—she saw me as someone who could save her, understand her, never betray her.

After about a month and a half (and just two in-person meetings), the first crisis happened. She suddenly disappeared and blocked me everywhere.
I waited for four days, then messaged her, and we got back together.
She said she had realized things and wanted to be with me. I forgave her and gave myself to the relationship again—I gave love, patience, support, took care of her, and tried not to be too pushy.
This new period became even more emotionally intense than before the first argument.
For nearly half a year, we talked every day. There was no coldness on her part—everything felt perfect. She cared for me, and I cared for her.
We never missed a night without spending time together.

Then we went on vacation together, and a conflict occurred between her and my parents.
That was the turning point.
Even though I took her side, defended her, and made it clear she was more important to me, she still saw the situation as betrayal.
After that, she left again—and this time, I thought it was for good. She blocked me everywhere again and has completely ignored me since.
I sent her two letters last week and two this week—no reply. I even wrote to her through a dating site when I saw her profile appear again (two weeks after our last contact). She ignored me there too.

It’s now been over two weeks of complete silence since the breakup.
I’m in deep pain, full of guilt, anxiety, and sadness.
What tortures me most is that I didn’t write to her within the first three days after the conflict.
(She blocked me the day after the conflict because neither of us had reached out. She had already made up her mind to break up during the argument, and that hurt me a lot.
After a 3-hour conversation with her about everything, she seemed to change her mind.
But the next day, I didn’t write, thinking she would make the first move and maybe apologize for trying to break up again.
After 12 hours of silence from both sides, I was blocked. But this time, she didn’t delete our messages immediately—it took her three days to erase everything completely.)

Now it feels like I lost my chance to fix everything.

I still love her deeply and can’t believe she cut things off so easily.
We were like “one soul,” almost never fought, and everything was good until external factors got in the way.

Here’s what I’ve tried:

I wrote her letters with apologies, love, and a plea to talk like adults.

I stopped writing for a while, hoping she would miss me and reach out.

I wrote through the dating site she rejoined—she ignored me.

I thought about recording a video message, but I don’t know if she’d even want to see me.

Is there still a chance to win her back?
This question haunts me.
Does she really want to end it, or like last time, is she waiting for a gesture of love?
Last time she confessed that she was just waiting for me to make a move.

Why did she cut things off so harshly if I never did anything wrong to her?
Why, knowing how much I love her, won’t she even give me a chance to talk?

Is it possible she’s still waiting for me to act?

Should I keep fighting for her?

Or is it better to let go and work on healing from emotional dependence?

Thank you so much in advance.

[Nikolson]

Hello dear users of this forum,

I'm writing to you because I'm on the verge of emotional exhaustion and I would really appreciate any advice you can offer. Thank you in advance for your time and for reading my story.

We met about six months ago, and our relationship developed very quickly and intensely. From the very beginning, there was a strong attraction and a deep emotional connection between us.
She often said she couldn’t be without me for even 15 minutes, showed great love and care, and needed constant attention. We spent a lot of time together, and I felt needed and important.
This was the idealization phase—she saw me as someone who could save her, understand her, never betray her.

After about a month and a half (and just two in-person meetings), the first crisis happened. She suddenly disappeared and blocked me everywhere.
I waited for four days, then messaged her, and we got back together.
She said she had realized things and wanted to be with me. I forgave her and gave myself to the relationship again—I gave love, patience, support, took care of her, and tried not to be too pushy.
This new period became even more emotionally intense than before the first argument.
For nearly half a year, we talked every day. There was no coldness on her part—everything felt perfect. She cared for me, and I cared for her.
We never missed a night without spending time together.

Then we went on vacation together, and a conflict occurred between her and my parents.
That was the turning point.
Even though I took her side, defended her, and made it clear she was more important to me, she still saw the situation as betrayal.
After that, she left again—and this time, I thought it was for good. She blocked me everywhere again and has completely ignored me since.
I sent her two letters last week and two this week—no reply. I even wrote to her through a dating site when I saw her profile appear again (two weeks after our last contact). She ignored me there too.

It’s now been over two weeks of complete silence since the breakup.
I’m in deep pain, full of guilt, anxiety, and sadness.
What tortures me most is that I didn’t write to her within the first three days after the conflict.
(She blocked me the day after the conflict because neither of us had reached out. She had already made up her mind to break up during the argument, and that hurt me a lot.
After a 3-hour conversation with her about everything, she seemed to change her mind.
But the next day, I didn’t write, thinking she would make the first move and maybe apologize for trying to break up again.
After 12 hours of silence from both sides, I was blocked. But this time, she didn’t delete our messages immediately—it took her three days to erase everything completely.)

Now it feels like I lost my chance to fix everything.

I still love her deeply and can’t believe she cut things off so easily.
We were like “one soul,” almost never fought, and everything was good until external factors got in the way.

Here’s what I’ve tried:

I wrote her letters with apologies, love, and a plea to talk like adults.

I stopped writing for a while, hoping she would miss me and reach out.

I wrote through the dating site she rejoined—she ignored me.

I thought about recording a video message, but I don’t know if she’d even want to see me.

Is there still a chance to win her back?
This question haunts me.
Does she really want to end it, or like last time, is she waiting for a gesture of love?
Last time she confessed that she was just waiting for me to make a move.

Why did she cut things off so harshly if I never did anything wrong to her?
Why, knowing how much I love her, won’t she even give me a chance to talk?

Is it possible she’s still waiting for me to act?

Should I keep fighting for her?

Or is it better to let go and work on healing from emotional dependence?

Thank you so much in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

affecting a sudden cutoff like that is brutal. silence after emotional intensity is disorienting. i can imagine why youd be wondering "what am i supposed to do, or not do here".

youve sent the letters, and the apologies. you made the move(s). whether she is playing games (expects you to chase), or she is committed to a breakup (hard to say), if the window is cracked at all, it wont respond to more gestures. and, if anything, that might be part of the cycle youd want to break assuming you do get back together. to go beyond merely Reversing a Breakup, you have to understand what went wrong, and, if its resolvable, how.

Then we went on vacation together, and a conflict occurred between her and my parents.
That was the turning point.
Even though I took her side, defended her, and made it clear she was more important to me, she still saw the situation as betrayal.

this sounds significant, beyond the fact that it preceded the breakup.

tell us, if youre comfortable, what was the conflict about, what was the nature of it (was it heated? nuclear meltdown?), and what happened in between, that she perceived as betrayal?

Or is it better to let go and work on healing from emotional dependence?

you dont have to let her go, if you dont want to. obviously, you want her back, and we support you in that.

healing from emotional dependence can be part of that. this has been an emotionally intense relationship, and, not an insignificant part of the loss and confusion you are feeling, is the absence of that intensity. for about the first month after my own relationship ended, i was experiencing anxiety attacks within 30 minutes after waking up. all that energy has to "go" somewhere.

in the short term, replace emotional intensity with stillness. big picture, think in the same terms: leading the relationship in a more grounded, more sustainable, environment that can feel safe for both of you.

[Nikolson]

this sounds significant, beyond the fact that it preceded the breakup.

tell us, if youre comfortable, what was the conflict about, what was the nature of it (was it heated? nuclear meltdown?), and what happened in between, that she perceived as betrayal?

We went on a trip together with my parents — you could say the purpose was for her to get to know them. On the first day, she didn’t take this gesture very positively, but over the following days, she and my mom became inseparable, constantly talking and spending time together right up until the day before our flight home. For some reason, my mom decided to say that she might not accept her into the family (I don’t know why). When I asked my parents whether they had actually said something like that to her, they told me they hadn’t.

Regardless, I supported my girlfriend and told her not to pay attention to what my parents said because I didn’t share their opinion and I would always be on her side. Once we got home, she had already moved past the situation, since I managed to calm her down (we are in a long-distance relationship). Before sending her off on her train back home, I asked if everything was okay and if what my parents said was still bothering her. She said she had already let it go and forgotten about it.

After she got home, we talked and everything seemed fine. The next evening, I called her after work, and she suddenly told me she wanted to break up. I didn’t like hearing that (it hurt a lot), but I told her I respected her decision. As soon as I said that, she immediately backtracked and said she no longer wanted to break up. Even so, I stayed on the phone with her for another three hours to calm her down, and I succeeded.

The next day, I didn’t text her (I was waiting for her to reach out first and maybe apologize for once again making such a serious decision on her own without any reason). She didn’t write anything either — all day — and I kept checking my phone every 15 minutes to see if she had messaged me. Around 8 PM, she blocked me. I immediately messaged her on another app saying, “So this is what your love looks like.” She read it but didn’t respond, and then blocked me there too.

After that, I didn’t message her anymore, hoping she would unblock me. On the third day of total silence, she decided to delete our entire chat history — I noticed it and started emailing her, asking if we could talk or if I could come see her in person. She responded by insulting me, saying I was nobody to her now and that I didn’t deserve even a chance to talk. She even said that if I came to see her, she would call the police — that left me completely shocked.

A week later, I sent her another email, not asking for anything, no complaints — just a message to talk. She ignored it. A few days ago, I saw her on a dating site and tried to message her there too — no response.

you dont have to let her go, if you dont want to. obviously, you want her back, and we support you in that.

healing from emotional dependence can be part of that. this has been an emotionally intense relationship, and, not an insignificant part of the loss and confusion you are feeling, is the absence of that intensity. for about the first month after my own relationship ended, i was experiencing anxiety attacks within 30 minutes after waking up. all that energy has to "go" somewhere.

in the short term, replace emotional intensity with stillness. big picture, think in the same terms: leading the relationship in a more grounded, more sustainable, environment that can feel safe for both of you.

Thank you very much for your response. I just really can’t understand whether she’s expecting something from me, or if I should just start ignoring her too in order to get her back — or do the opposite?

In our relationship, everything was truly good — no major fights or hatred between us (aside from the moments of the first and second blockages). The reason I’m saying this is because the first time she blocked me, I also told her that I would come see her in person so we could talk. Back then, she also mentioned calling the police. But after she unblocked me and we spoke again, I asked if she would have actually called the police, and she said no — she wouldn’t have called anyone, and if I had come, she would have come out to talk.

She’s been in therapy with a psychologist for three years now. And she told me that I’m the first kind and loving guy she’s ever had — all the others before me treated her horribly (though I don’t know how true that really is).

[Nikolson]

affecting a sudden cutoff like that is brutal. silence after emotional intensity is disorienting. i can imagine why youd be wondering "what am i supposed to do, or not do here".

youve sent the letters, and the apologies. you made the move(s). whether she is playing games (expects you to chase), or she is committed to a breakup (hard to say), if the window is cracked at all, it wont respond to more gestures. and, if anything, that might be part of the cycle youd want to break assuming you do get back together. to go beyond merely Reversing a Breakup, you have to understand what went wrong, and, if its resolvable, how.

this sounds significant, beyond the fact that it preceded the breakup.

tell us, if youre comfortable, what was the conflict about, what was the nature of it (was it heated? nuclear meltdown?), and what happened in between, that she perceived as betrayal?
 

you dont have to let her go, if you dont want to. obviously, you want her back, and we support you in that.

healing from emotional dependence can be part of that. this has been an emotionally intense relationship, and, not an insignificant part of the loss and confusion you are feeling, is the absence of that intensity. for about the first month after my own relationship ended, i was experiencing anxiety attacks within 30 minutes after waking up. all that energy has to "go" somewhere.

in the short term, replace emotional intensity with stillness. big picture, think in the same terms: leading the relationship in a more grounded, more sustainable, environment that can feel safe for both of you.

And I blame myself for being proud and waiting for an apology — for the fact that she wanted to leave me again over something minor. I didn’t write to her the whole day, which led to the block, and then I waited three more days for her to unblock me, without doing anything to show her that she mattered to me.

Knowing now that she has BPD, I realize I should have acted differently, and that thought is haunting me. (At the time, I didn’t even know what BPD was — I only found out about it from my own therapist, whom I started seeing after her first time blocking me. I really regret not learning more about it back then.)

Maybe if I had known, I could have prevented her tears (as far as I understand, she was crying those three days while I was blocked — maybe even waiting for some action from me — while I was waiting on her... a closed loop), and I could have prevented my own pain too — the one I’m feeling now.

[once removed]

For some reason, my mom decided to say that she might not accept her into the family (I don’t know why). When I asked my parents whether they had actually said something like that to her, they told me they hadn’t.

mom probably didnt say that. but it makes me wonder:

how were you feeling on the trip leading up to that moment (or even before the trip)? how was she feeling? how was it going? in retrospect, do you see any signs that she may have felt insecure, or looking for reassurance? was she distant? the opposite? did anything shift emotionally that you now look back at differently?

After she got home, we talked and everything seemed fine. The next evening, I called her after work, and she suddenly told me she wanted to break up. I didn’t like hearing that (it hurt a lot), but I told her I respected her decision. As soon as I said that, she immediately backtracked and said she no longer wanted to break up.

what was the reason given that she wanted to break up? did she give one?

Even so, I stayed on the phone with her for another three hours to calm her down, and I succeeded.

what took place in that phone call? what sort of note did it end on? did it feel resolved? something obviously happened between that and...

The next day

I didn’t text her (I was waiting for her to reach out first and maybe apologize for once again making such a serious decision on her own without any reason). She didn’t write anything either — all day — and I kept checking my phone every 15 minutes to see if she had messaged me. Around 8 PM, she blocked me.

i hesitate to speculate here, because it isnt clear to me: do you think she was expecting you to reach out? did the conversation the day before give you any indication of that?

i am starting to get a picture of someone who felt insecure, about herself, about the relationship, about the prospect of meeting and being accepted by the family (her shift from close connection with your mom, to deep hurt), and that there was a series of events that, to her, confirmed or reinforced her fears. looking back, does that add up? was she expressing that in any way to you, large or small?

After that, I didn’t message her anymore, hoping she would unblock me. On the third day of total silence, she decided to delete our entire chat history — I noticed it and started emailing her, asking if we could talk or if I could come see her in person. She responded by insulting me, saying I was nobody to her now and that I didn’t deserve even a chance to talk. She even said that if I came to see her, she would call the police — that left me completely shocked.
...
I just really can’t understand whether she’s expecting something from me, or if I should just start ignoring her too in order to get her back — or do the opposite?

if her behavior was at some point (and its not entirely clear) a covert protest, cry for connection, or expectation of being chased, it hardened to "stay away" with that message. this is not the sort of situation where, "if only i kept trying, things would have worked out". youve given it your best effort. in this case, it isnt who comes to who first; she really has to un-harden, and be receptive.

while there isnt a guarantee that that will happen, stillness (not ignoring her to get her back) gives the opportunity for it to.