Mother with BPD, also physically disabled, having trouble as caregiver to her

[purple11237]

My mom has BPD and is also physically disabled. She has very limited mobility and a chronic illness that severely affects her ability to complete activities of daily living. I recently moved in with her to become a primary caregiver for her as she is under 50 years old and had been living in an assisted living and nursing home environment for the past year and needed help to get out of that system.

It has been more than challenging. I have found myself reverting to patterns I had in my childhood--getting in trouble with her within minutes of coming home from my part-time job (childhood equivalent was school), isolating myself from friends and family members because I feel like she requires so much of my attention (plus embarrassment about how terribly the situation has been going)... .We have always had a contentious but loving relationship. That contentiousness has escalated to a millionth degree in the last 8 months since I moved to be close with her.

Within the last week I reached a breaking point and we have sought respite care from professional caregivers who are taking care of her physical needs at this time. I feel very guilty for abandoning her and she seems to want me back in the caregiver role. At this time, I do not feel strong enough to be in the room with her for extended periods of time. Every time I do, we start arguing again and I feel myself getting pulled back into the haze. This morning was another blow up which lead to her saying she hated me and that I was bipolar myself. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome purple11237:   
Being a caretaker for a family member can be a tough job, even without BPD in the mix.  I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can hear how hard it has been for you. It took a lot of courage for you to step up and offer to be your mom's caretaker.

Has your mom ever had therapy or meds. for her mental disorders?  How does she relate to other family members?

  I reached a breaking point and we have sought respite care from professional caregivers who are taking care of her physical needs at this time. I feel very guilty for abandoning her and she seems to want me back in the caregiver role. At this time, I do not feel strong enough to be in the room with her for extended periods of time. Every time I do, we start arguing again and I feel myself getting pulled back into the haze. This morning was another blow up which lead to her saying she hated me and that I was bipolar myself. Sometimes I'm not sure what is real.

It wouldn't make you a bad person, if you recognize that you can't be a caretaker for your mother.  Most people wouldn't have even tried to do what you have done.  You are a good person and you are entitled to a life of your own, free from abuse. 

What are some options to remedy your situation?  Are you tied together in some way to pay for housing (rent or mortgage)?  Can your mom go to a different assisted living situation?

 I hear that you love your mom, but your priority needs to be taking care of yourself.  Have you ever had any therapy in the past to try and make some sense of your mom's BPD and your relationship?  Are you able to get some therapy for yourself?

[Cerulean Star]

Hello purple11237, 

one of the oldest memories I have of my father, when I was 4/5 yo, is looking at him being carried out of the airplane down to the wheelchair that he is confined to since his 35 yo (now he has 61) . I guess, that's was the moment I put myself as a rescuer and a caretaker to him.

Every time I do, we start arguing again and I feel myself getting pulled back into the haze.

I think the most difficult part about my relationship with my BPfather is knowing what to do when he is verbally abusing me. I already learnt that's better to be at peace than be right, so I try as best as I can to just listen and gives any commentary or something that is neutral (like, "I see", nodding with the head) and discreetly leaving the room.

But yesterday he was screaming at me, I engaged in the discussion, without raising my tone of voice, and agreed with him that I would close the door when lighting up my olive oil candle, but I would keep lighting the candle even if he didn't want me to, and I will complaint with the neighbour about the loud music.

I don't know if I did right, actually I don't know how should I react when he is verbally aggressive.

I read the following article, it sheds some light about the issue, hope it can help you more: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle