Push-pull

[R4ES]

I’ve been in a push-pull relationship with a man for the last four years. For the most part of our relationship he pushed me away and I thought he simply had an avoidant/insecure attachment style. We were mostly friendly, averaging being in a relationship for 2 months once a year, sometimes we stopped talking completely. During the more recent pull, he was much more open and I’ve come to suspect he has BPD after becoming aware of his paranoia, black and white thinking, labile mood/lashing out, need for complete control, and unstable relationships. I think the reason it’s so hard for us to make it work is because he is constantly offended by everything I do despite admitting that he knows I have good intentions. He also becomes so angry when I don’t agree with his paranoid ideas. He started and ended it quickly for the fourth time without allowing me to have a real conversation with him about why he was ending it. After a few weeks of no contact, we ended up accidentally sitting near each other at a dinner party; and for the next few days he approached me in social settings as if we were friends again. I actually suspect that he was making his social plans around mine, inviting himself to parties where he knew I would be. I asked him to at least avoid approaching me in social settings as I try to move on, and he went on to tell me how he feels about me, how we have something real, how he tried to please me but I was unappreciative, while at the same time still refusing to be in a relationship with me because he is “terrified” that we are just going to end up hurting each other. I interpret this as fear of abandonment vs fear of engulfment (and I recognize that I could be very wrong about this).

After reading up on skills for interacting with loved ones with BPD, I have come to realize that I did not validate his emotions the way he needed me to and I regret that I argued with his paranoid ideas instead of validating his emotions. I think these skills take practice and for years I had no idea what I was dealing with. I felt very confused and now that I know more about BPD I have definitely received some clarity.

I still love him so much and I’m wondering if I should bother pursuing this. He seems to not be so confident about his refusal to be in a relationship, and told me that we’re inevitably going to be in the same social situation even if I move to a different country (it was almost like he was threatening to follow me wherever I go). I know it’s been years of this push-pull dynamic, but I’m wondering if we could somehow make it work given my new understanding of BPD traits. I’m wondering if anyone in this forum could offer advice about how to move forward in this situation. Thank you so much in advance.

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[once removed]

speaking purely for myself here:

i learned the skills a few years after my relationship ended. they have enriched all of my relationships, of all kinds. i have no question that they would have improved the relationship that brought me here. but that relationship, skills or no skills, improvement or no improvement, wasnt meant to be.

in other words, its normal to have regrets. and its healthy-minded to learn lessons from the relationship about being a better, more attuned partner.

neither of those things mean that this relationship is meant to be.

i dont say that to discourage you from trying again. if you arent done, and you want to try again, then youre right to approach it by considering a very different game plan. when a relationship has that many break up/make up cycles, something about it is broken, and each one does successively more damage. something would have to give, and youd want to identify what, and how, if possible, it can be resolved, if you are to reconcile.

so, it is to say, theres more to consider here than whether things could be better than they were. with hindsight, we can always do better.

at the same time still refusing to be in a relationship with me because he is “terrified” that we are just going to end up hurting each other.

ive known people who have said things like this. ive been on the receiving end of it a few times. ive rejected exactly one person for it myself.

is he right?