The rage stage of healing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been meaning to write an update on here for a while - the healing process for me has taken some interesting twists and turns. It's been 15 months since I broke up with my ex, and about 7 months since I last contacted him to let him know that I wasn't okay with the way I was treated, and that I didn't want any further contact with him. He has been in a relationship for about 10 months, but continues to occassionally orbit me (parking near my house or in places he knows I will walk past etc), but I keep my head low and make it clear I'm not up for any contact. I think one day it will stop, but it still unsettles me and I have to work hard to keep my nervous system in check.

I have been in therapy for more than a year now. The recovery process for me has been brutal at times. While I accept that my ex's problems are his alone, I decided it was time to excavate my entire childhood and do a post mortem my entire life, as well as an inventory of my current friendships. This part has been unexpectedly hard - I didn't expect to see such a huge fault line of neglect, control and Cluster B behaviours rippling through my entire life. It's led to many dark nights of the soul, and a stage of withdrawal, protection and shedding.

I decided to step back from a number of family relationships and friendships that I realised exist only because I have been keeping them alive by over-functioning or allowing someone else's needs to over-ride my own. By stepping back and letting go of the rope, I've been able to observe what these connections are really made of, and it's been really confronting to see that these are not reciprocal or safe relationships for me, and haven't been for a long time. I reckon this has applied for around 60-70% of my family and friendships. I dug my heels in at times because I really didn't want to have to admit that I needed to let a lot of these friendships go and deal with the grief of all of that loss.

During all of this, I went through a stage of rage... which I was not expecting, but it was equal parts cathartic and distressing. My way of safely releasing it was to scream or shout it out while I was driving, with music turned up very very loud... I reckon there will be a few people who will have seen this manic open-mouthed screaming lady driving around for a while and thought WTF??? But it's like i was screaming at every moment of disrespect, control, abuse, neglect, cruelty that I've ever experienced in my life. It lasted a few months but I feel like this was such a powerful release for me - to name the dsyfunction, feel every inch of the anger and injustice of it... and release it.

And so... here I am... on the other side of all of that, with a lot less friends, a lot less contact with my family, a much more boundaried way of interacting with people I don't know well, a lot more free time. But there's peace, hope for the future, and more self trust than there's been for a long while.

Would be very interested to know if any other members went through this process as part of their healing?

[seekingtheway]

I've been meaning to write an update on here for a while - the healing process for me has taken some interesting twists and turns. It's been 15 months since I broke up with my ex, and about 7 months since I last contacted him to let him know that I wasn't okay with the way I was treated, and that I didn't want any further contact with him. He has been in a relationship for about 10 months, but continues to occassionally orbit me (parking near my house or in places he knows I will walk past etc), but I keep my head low and make it clear I'm not up for any contact. I think one day it will stop, but it still unsettles me and I have to work hard to keep my nervous system in check.

I have been in therapy for more than a year now. The recovery process for me has been brutal at times. While I accept that my ex's problems are his alone, I decided it was time to excavate my entire childhood and do a post mortem my entire life, as well as an inventory of my current friendships. This part has been unexpectedly hard - I didn't expect to see such a huge fault line of neglect, control and Cluster B behaviours rippling through my entire life. It's led to many dark nights of the soul, and a stage of withdrawal, protection and shedding.

I decided to step back from a number of family relationships and friendships that I realised exist only because I have been keeping them alive by over-functioning or allowing someone else's needs to over-ride my own. By stepping back and letting go of the rope, I've been able to observe what these connections are really made of, and it's been really confronting to see that these are not reciprocal or safe relationships for me, and haven't been for a long time. I reckon this has applied for around 60-70% of my family and friendships. I dug my heels in at times because I really didn't want to have to admit that I needed to let a lot of these friendships go and deal with the grief of all of that loss.

During all of this, I went through a stage of rage... which I was not expecting, but it was equal parts cathartic and distressing. My way of safely releasing it was to scream or shout it out while I was driving, with music turned up very very loud... I reckon there will be a few people who will have seen this manic open-mouthed screaming lady driving around for a while and thought WTF??? But it's like i was screaming at every moment of disrespect, control, abuse, neglect, cruelty that I've ever experienced in my life. It lasted a few months but I feel like this was such a powerful release for me - to name the dsyfunction, feel every inch of the anger and injustice of it... and release it.

And so... here I am... on the other side of all of that, with a lot less friends, a lot less contact with my family, a much more boundaried way of interacting with people I don't know well, a lot more free time. But there's peace, hope for the future, and more self trust than there's been for a long while.

Would be very interested to know if any other members went through this process as part of their healing?

[Under The Bridge]

Good to see you're evaluating your life and learning what is good for you and what is toxic. Maybe we all need to do this at some point, irrespective of BPD - we tend to feel better after clearing things out, whether emotionally or simply de-cluttering.

In answer to your question, I'd imagine that all of us went through the rage stage as well as all the other stages concerned with a BPD relationship; guilt that maybe we could have done more or that we could have set boundaries, etc We're logical people so are bound to get angry when we've treated our partner more than fairly and received abuse in return.

My biggest source of rage was at how my partner could simply walk away after an outburst, without any sort of remorse or conscience. I hadn't heard of BPD then so I just thought she had a mean streak. The rage eases when you realise that your partner was ill and will continue to treat any future partners exactly the same.

It also eases when you start being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you were in a repetitive toxic cycle and, if you let it continue, could be in it for the rest of your life. I then realised that even with the wonderfully high points, such a relationship would have taken it's toll on me. I was with her for four years..I couldn't imagine what 40+ years would have been like to my mental and physical health.

[Pook075]

And so... here I am... on the other side of all of that, with a lot less friends, a lot less contact with my family, a much more boundaried way of interacting with people I don't know well, a lot more free time. But there's peace, hope for the future, and more self trust than there's been for a long while.

Would be very interested to know if any other members went through this process as part of their healing?

As a Christian, I was so focused on "saving the marriage" and "not judging" that I didn't allow myself to get mad for probably 6 to 9 months after we separated.  But once it hit, I was absolutely furious and ready to spit venom towards anyone who would listen.

For me, it lasted maybe two to three weeks, because my free time was filled with reading the Bible and praying.  I knew I was wrong in my thoughts and actions during that time, but I just couldn't get past the pain and hurt any longer.  My ex intentionally chose to put me through that- who does that to another human?  I was absolutely enraged.

However, that rage also allowed me to move forward since it broke what was left of codependence and a hope to reconcile.  It let me see the situation for what it truly was, so I'm thankful for going through that since it really opened my eyes.  It's how I eventually let go and actually started to heal the deeper stuff that none of us like to admit is there.

In essence, the rage and anger allowed me to see a path towards forgiveness and ultimately letting go completely.  So I'm thankful for it. 

[seekingtheway]

It also eases when you start being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you were in a repetitive toxic cycle and, if you let it continue, could be in it for the rest of your life. I then realised that even with the wonderfully high points, such a relationship would have taken it's toll on me. I was with her for four years..I couldn't imagine what 40+ years would have been like to my mental and physical health.

Thanks Under The Bridge. The logical part of me knows this too. It was only three years for me, but it was extremely damaging and I know that it was impossible to last any longer without me entirely sacrificing who I am at my core. Therapy has helped me to solidify this... that I'm a truthteller at my core - and my ex is the opposite of that. He required me to stay silent about anything dysfunctional that was going on in our dynamic, so there's literally no way it could have gone on. I remember trying to keep quiet because I knew it would upset him and he would almost always threaten to break up with me every time I spoke up, but despite that, it always came out... I couldn't keep it in.

The rage for me was about letting go of logic and rational thinking, and allowing myself to feel the full force of my own experience, and not layering it with compassion and understanding for him. The compassion part comes very easily for me - too easily sometimes - and so the rage stage was about putting all of that aside for a minute (or a few months) and fully leaning into the anger that was sitting in my body about the way I had been treated. Which I had grown to understand was very much linked to the way I had been treated by people in my past. I didn't try and make myself feel better, I just let it out... and while it felt kind of shocking, it was so cathartic, and I knew it was a healthy release... of all the stages of healing, this one felt the most productive.

[seekingtheway]

However, that rage also allowed me to move forward since it broke what was left of codependence and a hope to reconcile.  It let me see the situation for what it truly was, so I'm thankful for going through that since it really opened my eyes.  It's how I eventually let go and actually started to heal the deeper stuff that none of us like to admit is there.

100% agree with you here Pook. I could literally sense the anger and rage pushing me far away from him, forcing me to drop any false hope that was left. I think a lot of my hope was centred around finding a congruent ending with him - but maybe there was a deep subconscious part of me that was clinging onto a hope that in some way we'd be able to reconcile somewhere down the track. He's come back so many times with all the right words I'm conditioned to expect it and hope for it. I knew logically that was impossible, but it's like my body hadn't caught up to my mind in that respect, and the anger really does help to quash that hope and replace it with a much clearer sense of reality.

I'm interested in why you thought the anger and rage was wrong? I have to say, although it felt super intense, I really welcomed this stage. It felt productive and healthy. My psychologist got quite excited when I told her, because it's such the logical way for someone to respond in the face of neglect and cruelty.

As long as we have healthy outlets for the anger rather than projecting it in a toxic way, I think anger can be so useful. So i'm really grateful for this stage too. Same as you, it's taken me into the deeper parts of healing that allow me to see things realistically and give some much-needed care and empathy to myself.

[Pook075]

I'm interested in why you thought the anger and rage was wrong? I have to say, although it felt super intense, I really welcomed this stage. It felt productive and healthy.

It felt productive for me as well, but probably not healthy.

Growing up and throughout my life, my mom was always angry at someone or something.  In a nutshell, her trauma had consumed her and she stayed mad at the world for things that had happened long before you or I were born.  And I watched her suffer with that, always angry and milliseconds away from exploding.  Don't get me wrong, she was a great mom...but she literally suffered because of things that she couldn't let go of.

For example, she was a twin.  Both twins had to work and save money for their first bike.  I've heard this story 10,000 times in my life.  But the youngest kid, her dad bought her a bike and she didn't take care of it or put it up at night.  The bike was stolen, and because the youngest sister cried and cried, the dad went and bought her a second bike.  My mom could never get over that throughout her entire life; the feeling of betrayal somehow cut too deep.

In my late 20's, I had marriage problems due to a BPD wife.  And I also had an angry mom who constantly reminded me of how hard I worked, how I provided and took care of the house, and how my wife barely did anything for me.  My mom's anger eventually took hold and led to a first separation, then a second and a third within the first few years of marriage. 

Ever so slowly, I was becoming my mom....who we'd probably talk about on this forum if it were 25 years ago.  Looking back, she checked many of the boxes for BPD and I've never met another person more filled with black and white thinking.  She was a fantastic, loving person who would do anything for me and later my children.  But man, it wasn't the easiest path while dealing with infants, a BPD wife who was completely shut down, and a furious mother who was defending her son the best way she knew how.

My oldest daughter was later diagnosed BPD/bipolar as well as was my mother-in-law, so it's like I hit the BPD jackpot without even realizing that I was gambling.

Anyway, to get back on track, my ex wife and I split three times, reconciled three times, and i finally told my mom that I couldn't live with the constant negativity anymore.  I hated 3 or 4 things my ex did and loved her for a thousand different reasons.  I told her that I just couldn't focus on the negative stuff anymore, that I was letting it go and if she couldn't respect that, it would be the end of our relationship.  And for probably a good 9-12 months, I didn't talk to my mom at all after that.

Around that time, I heard my favorite NBA player (Dwayne Wade from the Miami Heat) say that he just doesn't do negative.  The reporter was kind of surprised at that answer and when she pushed him, he said that he didn't care what anyone else around him said about him, he wouldn't engage with negative thinking in any way.  And I thought wow...what if I just stopped engaging with the negative stuff in my life and focused on what was working?

The result was that my BPD wife and I didn't have an argument in over a decade, I flourished as a small business owner, and I gave my family a great life.  But at the same time, things that really bothered me were building up and I wasn't speaking out of pushing back.  For instance, my wife was almost always gone on the weekends and she never cleaned up after herself. 

Those were two of the 3-4 things I could never stand before, which I had taught myself to let go of.  And by not addressing those problems head-on, I started becoming depressed as I felt like a single person with a roommate for a wife in a 20+ year marriage.  Mind you, this was my 1st marriage and I assumed every relationship was like that....adults that had been married for awhile just do their own things.  I had no clue how broken and toxic our marriage actually was, simply because we never discussed any of it.

I mentioned my BPD daughter, her teenage years were nearly impossible and it broke everyone in our household.  Maybe that's why I didn't focus more on the glaring problems within our marriage, but hey...I was always positive and always moving forward.  I couldn't even see the problems anymore, it all felt so normal.

When my wife finally left me for another man, I never saw it coming even though all the signs were there.  She lied to everyone except our youngest daughter about it for months, until she finally told me that she had feelings for him and wanted to pursue that relationship.  Somehow it still took my brain several months to actually catch up to what she said- I heard it but couldn't fully process it.  Once I finally did though, the anger came so completely that it felt like I was on fire.

I think part of my anger was my whole, "don't focus on the negative" mentality; I never could have been betrayed that completely if I hadn't intentionally allowed it to happen.  But during this time I had also leaned heavily on my faith and I knew Christians were supposed to forgive.  So my brain was sort of stuck in limbo....I wanted to rant and be angry, but my heart was telling me to forgive and let go.  It's really difficult to do both at once.

That's where this site helped me so much though, to make the compassion element fit what I was actually going through.  My ex did what she did because she was miserable and couldn't bring herself to fight with her husband because I accepted her no matter what; I hadn't fought for what I believed in for over a decade.  Nothing made sense to me at all until I actually realized (through this site) that she was sick and living off of instinct, with absolutely no intention of hurting me but compelled to live her best life.

I have genuinely forgiven her and we're "friends" again, at least as friendly as you can be once both people have remarried.  For our adult kids sake, I am very thankful for that and I'm glad that I never allowed my anger to completely boil over.  It would have been so easy to take the scorched Earth approach as the victim, but I saw firsthand what that did to my mother and the pain she carried her entire life from those decisions.  I just wasn't going to be that person, I had to let all that anger go.

At one point, I did write a long letter that spelled out exactly how thoroughly my ex betrayed me.  Truthfully, I'm ashamed of that and wish that I had never mailed it.  My wife read the first paragraph only, but my youngest kid read the entire thing.  And now my kid carries part of that same anger that I fought so hard to let go of...she can't "unsee" it.

I'm not sure why I went into this much detail, but hopefully someday it helps someone.  I don't regret the path I took and if I had it to do over again, I would have walked on a few eggshells and tried to find better compromise.  Maybe that would have led to a divorce much earlier, I don't know.  I have no regrets though because ultimately I took the high road and made it though okay.

[seekingtheway]

Thank you for sharing all of that - it's been such a journey for you, and it shows so much awareness and clarity that you're able to track it all back in that way.

I hear what you're saying - the anger sometimes needs to be expressed in order for it to move through you, but it does no good to live with it. It can really hurt the person who is angry as well as all those around them.

It sounds like your experience with balancing that swing between compassion and anger was resolved pretty quickly given all you'd been through. I'm glad that you have found your way to as much peace as possible with your ex wife.

I noticed that if I found myself pushing hard into the idea of forgiveness and compassion, it's almost like my body picked up on the signals and went into damage control by flooding me with a sense of fear. It's like my body was overtaking my brain – forcing me to remember how forgiving and forgetting in the past has meant him thinking it's okay to start crossing boundaries. So I am okay about staying in a protected stance until my body doesn't register him as a massive threat any more. Compassion is my baseline and I know I'll always end up there. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find peace with my ex, it depends on him too, but I'm focused on finding peace in me, and whatever follows that will be okay.

There have been times (particularly when I was with my ex) where I wished that, like you, I could have found a way to just keep quiet about certain things, because if I had been able to do that, I'd probably still be with my ex now. And I really did love him so much, I would have done most things to be able to make that relationship work. But as you say, that repression does end up biting you eventually - delays the inevitable.

I literally couldn't repress some things though. I think truth speaking/seeking part for me came from childhood and was a survival response... but it's integral to who I am and me feeling safe in the world. I need to be able to speak my truth and I need to know the person close to me is also speaking truth. And it's actually not negotiable for me. Now that I know this about myself with such clarity, it really does affect who I put in my close inner circle. It's no good me trying to have close friendships with people who are not congruent. It seems like a fairly obvious thing, but it has felt like a big lesson that I needed to learn for all aspects of my life.

[Pook075]

I noticed that if I found myself pushing hard into the idea of forgiveness and compassion, it's almost like my body picked up on the signals and went into damage control by flooding me with a sense of fear. It's like my body was overtaking my brain – forcing me to remember how forgiving and forgetting in the past has meant him thinking it's okay to start crossing boundaries. So I am okay about staying in a protected stance until my body doesn't register him as a massive threat any more. Compassion is my baseline and I know I'll always end up there. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find peace with my ex, it depends on him too, but I'm focused on finding peace in me, and whatever follows that will be okay.

If I could teach one thing to every person on this site, or even to every person in the world, and everything else I've ever said or did would be forgotten, this is what I'd say:

Forgiving someone else is about you alone.  It doesn't matter what they did to you and it doesn't matter what kind of person they are now.  They're going to live their life regardless and the worst of those people won't think twice about how much you're hurting because of their actions.

They probably don't deserve forgiveness, but that's not what this is about.  It's about your path to healing and deciding that one lousy person in this world isn't going to have enough power within your mind to ruin your day.  They made a decision that hurt you, and now it's time for you to make a decision.  And it's a very simple one- you can look forward, or you can look backwards.

In the Bible, there's a few verses that basically say, "the past is dead."  It means that you can't go back, you can't change anything, and it's not where our focus should be.  Yet when we're mad at someone for something they did, we can't help but look backwards and try to process those emotions. 

Forgiveness allows you to actually put that experience to rest and leave it in the past where it belongs.  That doesn't mean you'll seek that person out and try to become besties again, and that doesn't mean they have to accept your forgiveness.  They have nothing to do with this process and telling them isn't even necessary.

Ultimately, forgiveness is about cleansing your heart and letting go in the healthiest possible way.  Forgiveness sets you free, and that's such an incredible feeling when you've dealt with pain and turmoil for so long.  Because once you've forgiven the person that hurt you, then finally you can forgive yourself as well.  And that's where the real magic happens.