The rage stage of healing

[seekingtheway]

I've been meaning to write an update on here for a while - the healing process for me has taken some interesting twists and turns. It's been 15 months since I broke up with my ex, and about 7 months since I last contacted him to let him know that I wasn't okay with the way I was treated, and that I didn't want any further contact with him. He has been in a relationship for about 10 months, but continues to occassionally orbit me (parking near my house or in places he knows I will walk past etc), but I keep my head low and make it clear I'm not up for any contact. I think one day it will stop, but it still unsettles me and I have to work hard to keep my nervous system in check.

I have been in therapy for more than a year now. The recovery process for me has been brutal at times. While I accept that my ex's problems are his alone, I decided it was time to excavate my entire childhood and do a post mortem my entire life, as well as an inventory of my current friendships. This part has been unexpectedly hard - I didn't expect to see such a huge fault line of neglect, control and Cluster B behaviours rippling through my entire life. It's led to many dark nights of the soul, and a stage of withdrawal, protection and shedding.

I decided to step back from a number of family relationships and friendships that I realised exist only because I have been keeping them alive by over-functioning or allowing someone else's needs to over-ride my own. By stepping back and letting go of the rope, I've been able to observe what these connections are really made of, and it's been really confronting to see that these are not reciprocal or safe relationships for me, and haven't been for a long time. I reckon this has applied for around 60-70% of my family and friendships. I dug my heels in at times because I really didn't want to have to admit that I needed to let a lot of these friendships go and deal with the grief of all of that loss.

During all of this, I went through a stage of rage... which I was not expecting, but it was equal parts cathartic and distressing. My way of safely releasing it was to scream or shout it out while I was driving, with music turned up very very loud... I reckon there will be a few people who will have seen this manic open-mouthed screaming lady driving around for a while and thought WTF??? But it's like i was screaming at every moment of disrespect, control, abuse, neglect, cruelty that I've ever experienced in my life. It lasted a few months but I feel like this was such a powerful release for me - to name the dsyfunction, feel every inch of the anger and injustice of it... and release it.

And so... here I am... on the other side of all of that, with a lot less friends, a lot less contact with my family, a much more boundaried way of interacting with people I don't know well, a lot more free time. But there's peace, hope for the future, and more self trust than there's been for a long while.

Would be very interested to know if any other members went through this process as part of their healing?

[Under The Bridge]

Good to see you're evaluating your life and learning what is good for you and what is toxic. Maybe we all need to do this at some point, irrespective of BPD - we tend to feel better after clearing things out, whether emotionally or simply de-cluttering.

In answer to your question, I'd imagine that all of us went through the rage stage as well as all the other stages concerned with a BPD relationship; guilt that maybe we could have done more or that we could have set boundaries, etc We're logical people so are bound to get angry when we've treated our partner more than fairly and received abuse in return.

My biggest source of rage was at how my partner could simply walk away after an outburst, without any sort of remorse or conscience. I hadn't heard of BPD then so I just thought she had a mean streak. The rage eases when you realise that your partner was ill and will continue to treat any future partners exactly the same.

It also eases when you start being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you were in a repetitive toxic cycle and, if you let it continue, could be in it for the rest of your life. I then realised that even with the wonderfully high points, such a relationship would have taken it's toll on me. I was with her for four years..I couldn't imagine what 40+ years would have been like to my mental and physical health.

[Pook075]

And so... here I am... on the other side of all of that, with a lot less friends, a lot less contact with my family, a much more boundaried way of interacting with people I don't know well, a lot more free time. But there's peace, hope for the future, and more self trust than there's been for a long while.

Would be very interested to know if any other members went through this process as part of their healing?

As a Christian, I was so focused on "saving the marriage" and "not judging" that I didn't allow myself to get mad for probably 6 to 9 months after we separated.  But once it hit, I was absolutely furious and ready to spit venom towards anyone who would listen.

For me, it lasted maybe two to three weeks, because my free time was filled with reading the Bible and praying.  I knew I was wrong in my thoughts and actions during that time, but I just couldn't get past the pain and hurt any longer.  My ex intentionally chose to put me through that- who does that to another human?  I was absolutely enraged.

However, that rage also allowed me to move forward since it broke what was left of codependence and a hope to reconcile.  It let me see the situation for what it truly was, so I'm thankful for going through that since it really opened my eyes.  It's how I eventually let go and actually started to heal the deeper stuff that none of us like to admit is there.

In essence, the rage and anger allowed me to see a path towards forgiveness and ultimately letting go completely.  So I'm thankful for it. 

[seekingtheway]

It also eases when you start being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you were in a repetitive toxic cycle and, if you let it continue, could be in it for the rest of your life. I then realised that even with the wonderfully high points, such a relationship would have taken it's toll on me. I was with her for four years..I couldn't imagine what 40+ years would have been like to my mental and physical health.

Thanks Under The Bridge. The logical part of me knows this too. It was only three years for me, but it was extremely damaging and I know that it was impossible to last any longer without me entirely sacrificing who I am at my core. Therapy has helped me to solidify this... that I'm a truthteller at my core - and my ex is the opposite of that. He required me to stay silent about anything dysfunctional that was going on in our dynamic, so there's literally no way it could have gone on. I remember trying to keep quiet because I knew it would upset him and he would almost always threaten to break up with me every time I spoke up, but despite that, it always came out... I couldn't keep it in.

The rage for me was about letting go of logic and rational thinking, and allowing myself to feel the full force of my own experience, and not layering it with compassion and understanding for him. The compassion part comes very easily for me - too easily sometimes - and so the rage stage was about putting all of that aside for a minute (or a few months) and fully leaning into the anger that was sitting in my body about the way I had been treated. Which I had grown to understand was very much linked to the way I had been treated by people in my past. I didn't try and make myself feel better, I just let it out... and while it felt kind of shocking, it was so cathartic, and I knew it was a healthy release... of all the stages of healing, this one felt the most productive.

[seekingtheway]

However, that rage also allowed me to move forward since it broke what was left of codependence and a hope to reconcile.  It let me see the situation for what it truly was, so I'm thankful for going through that since it really opened my eyes.  It's how I eventually let go and actually started to heal the deeper stuff that none of us like to admit is there.

100% agree with you here Pook. I could literally sense the anger and rage pushing me far away from him, forcing me to drop any false hope that was left. I think a lot of my hope was centred around finding a congruent ending with him - but maybe there was a deep subconscious part of me that was clinging onto a hope that in some way we'd be able to reconcile somewhere down the track. He's come back so many times with all the right words I'm conditioned to expect it and hope for it. I knew logically that was impossible, but it's like my body hadn't caught up to my mind in that respect, and the anger really does help to quash that hope and replace it with a much clearer sense of reality.

I'm interested in why you thought the anger and rage was wrong? I have to say, although it felt super intense, I really welcomed this stage. It felt productive and healthy. My psychologist got quite excited when I told her, because it's such the logical way for someone to respond in the face of neglect and cruelty.

As long as we have healthy outlets for the anger rather than projecting it in a toxic way, I think anger can be so useful. So i'm really grateful for this stage too. Same as you, it's taken me into the deeper parts of healing that allow me to see things realistically and give some much-needed care and empathy to myself.