My Dad is dying…

[thankful person]

My wife has bpd. My Dad is dying. My Mum is disgusted that I’m struggling to be able to visit. My brother isn’t talking to me. My wife is sick and nearly died last week. We have four very young children. And no one near by to help. And my parents live five hours away. Back to work tomorrow. I’m struggling.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

 
There is not much that is easy about your life today... I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. Post whenever you need to... we'll be here.

[losthope1234]

it's really a very hard time for you. It's difficult to manage so many things happening together. I am so sorry you are going through these. I feel you. is there a way you could have a helping hand? any friend who can help you, atleast with the chores, or maybe looking after the kids for a while? any voluntary groups? you are mentally exhausted i understand. But we all have more power than we think. you have been through dark days before and you have managed it. you can do this too. Just take a little time for yourself and reflect upon. you will find a way out. we are here to support you.

[CC43]

I'm sorry your life is so tough right now.  It's bad enough to have to deal with an acute sickness, but to have two loved ones sick, plus four young children to care for, and a job to hold onto all at the same time is very tough indeed.  I bet the children are struggling too, even if they don't completely understand what is going on.  Just seeing mom in distress, and you in distress too, can be unsettling.  If there's BPD in the mix, stress tends to aggravate it.

Is there any way you could take some family leave from work?  Maybe you ask for some help--if no family is nearby, maybe the church or a neighbor could help in some way?  Even if you can't visit in person with your dad right now, might a Facetime or Zoom call help you feel a little closer in this trying time?  Might you ask a neighborhood teen to help babysit and entertain the kids for an afternoon or weekend morning, even if you remain in the home, freeing you to attend to other matters?  It sounds like you could really use some help right now.  If I were you, I wouldn't feel ashamed to ask for a little help.  I think people would understand completely.

Look, most reasonable adults understand that when there's a major sickness and you have four little kids to care for, you're probably not able to do all the things you want to do.  If your mom and brother seem mad at you, that's probably because they are distressed because your dad is dying, and not really because of you.

[zachira]

I'm sad to hear how hard things are right now with your dad dying and there not being any family that can help you. It is especially hard having 4 young children and a wife with BPD at this time. It is hard to ask for help from people who are not family or close friends yet there are people/organizations who will lend a helping hand if you reach out to them.

[Notwendy]

Im sorry you are dealing with all this. Wishing you strength. Be gentle with yourself during this time. 

[thankful person]

My Dad passed away Thursday evening. I didn’t get to see him until afterwards. My wife had said on Weds that she was ok with me going if I helped with housework etc first. But she could tell how desperate I was to get going and so bullied me into staying to help her another night before her dad arrived so she’d have some help with the kids. (This was after bullying me to miss work with the promise I’d see my dad). So I worked ten hours Thursday. Came home to help with bedtime. Learned of my father’s passing. Drove to mum and dads, arriving about 2am. Left less than 12 hours later to get back here for bedtime. At first I was so angry with my wife in the car even though I accept that it was my decision to not go until she was ok with it. My dad had been unconscious for several days and seemingly unaware of anything. I sang and played him a special song I wrote for him on the piano last year so I have that memory and video. I have already found peace with this situation. In the car I decided to play a hymn through Alexa which I had played for dad the day before on the piano (sent a video). Alexa then randomly chose the next two songs which were a song my children sang for dad in a video recently and a song my wife played for him the day before on a piano video. I felt like Dad was with me after that, so didn’t put on linkin park and scream the whole journey as I had planned to. My wife is  now trying to get me to have Monday off work “in memory of my dad” or something but really it’s just cos she’s always trying to get me to miss work and spend time with her. I’d rather go to work. I get more support there.

[thankful person]

Sorry I forgot to say, thank you all for your kind messages.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your loss TP. I am glad you were able to find some peace in the stress of the moment.

[kells76]

 
Thinking of you... glad you are figuring out where in your life to find support that is meaningful to you.

[GaGrl]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please take are of yourself.

[losthope1234]

I am so sorry.. it's a hard time..please take care of yourself..May you find the strength to heal.. we are here if you wanna share anything..