Bpd mother cut me off

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bod mother has cut me off. No contact.  She sometimes pretended to be a parent. I guess that’s what I am missing.  It’s peaceful without her but I wonder if she will ever call or see me again. Not sure if I want her to but still wonder. I also wonder if I really even miss her or want to hear from her again.

[Supersaddaughter]

My bod mother has cut me off. No contact.  She sometimes pretended to be a parent. I guess that’s what I am missing.  It’s peaceful without her but I wonder if she will ever call or see me again. Not sure if I want her to but still wonder. I also wonder if I really even miss her or want to hear from her again.

[pipistrelle1987]

Has she done this before as a punishment? Many people have said to enjoy the silence whilst it lasts and this sounds like what you’re experiencing, but do you ever feel a sense of uncertainty or anxiety around the silent treatment?

[TelHill]

Hello Supersaddaughter,

I’m sorry this has happened. I’m the only daughter (I have an older brother) of a dBPD mother. She’s not been like a mother to me. She has put me down throughout my life and has hit me. I felt like she despised me.

She’s had a problem acting like I’m an extension of her instad of a separate person. She wanted me to stay home with her and never leave her side.That was her hope for my life.  I’ve had the silent treatment a few times, but it’s been short-lived.

I think she will try to contact you again at some point. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t acknowledge it or blames you for it when she does come around. They don’t see their own part in these situations. They feel a sense of deep shame and try to deflect blame.

How do you feel about her going no contact? Do you have any siblings. Is your dad still around?

[Notwendy]

I think several of us have felt this odd combination of feelings. We may also feel guilty that we don't feel what we think we are supposed to feel, and also some grief that we aren't feeling that way.

After my father passed away, BPD mother had cut me off, then resumed contact. As Tell Hill mentioned, it is possible your mother may resume contact at some point and also possibly act as if all was normal again.

Don't judge yourself for whatever you are feeling. If you don't miss her, then you don't. Maybe there are parts of the relationship you will miss- or maybe not. Maybe you will feel several emotions at the same time.

[zachira]

Mothers with BPD dump their overwhelming feelings onto others especially their children because they are too afraid of how they feel. My mother with BPD is deceased. It is so challenging not to feel guilty when we have been told since birth it is our job to make our mother happy. Which feelings belong to your mother and which ones are yours to own?

[Supersaddaughter]

Has she done this before as a punishment? Many people have said to enjoy the silence whilst it lasts and this sounds like what you’re experiencing, but do you ever feel a sense of uncertainty or anxiety around the silent treatment?

Not for this long. It’s been about 1.5 years now. I have sadness because of it. She was abusive and awful most of the time but if I needed her she would usually show up.

[Notwendy]

It's not possible to control someone else's actions or feelings. If your mother has decided to not have contact with you for over a year- that is her decision. You aren't responsible for that.

Whatever your feelings are- you can have your own feelings. You may feel more peaceful, and you might not miss her. This may seem odd to other people who don't have your situation- but it's OK to feel what you feel.

Maybe your mother will try to reconnect at some point, and maybe she won't. It's possible you will miss her at times and other times you may not. This part isn't controllable.

[mhughes]

My 78-year-old uBPD mother cut off contact with me a few months ago. I won't go into the details why since it didn't make any sense (when does it ever??), but I told her that I will respect her decision and not contact her.  I just found out yesterday that she told family that she's expecting me for Christmas at her house.  When they told her I have made other plans, she was furious.  I know her reaction is irrational and disrespectful of how she's treated me, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I've "let her down" in the eyes of family members.  I never speak ill of my mother, so family only hear her side of the story.  I try to take the high road, but it's pretty lonely up here.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. There are several of us who have dealt with this. People in my BPD mother's circle also heard her point of view. I was "cut off" and then she'd contact me as if nothing happened weeks later. It feels like a no win situation.

I think if you can see the pattern, it will help you to not take this as personally but also make your own decisions about what you want to do.

Read about the Karpman triangle. I think pwBPD take victim perspective. Your mother cuts contact and now, you are the one to not visit your mother on Christmas. This is a disordered pattern of relationships. It's not possible to change your mothers thinking or feelings but it helps to not take this as personally.

I didn't choose to go NC with my mother, as I prefered LC (it's a personal choice). A wise friend advised me to contact her on a schedule- whatever schedule that works for you. Your mother can go back and forth with her not contacting or contacting you, and you don't react either way. If I called her and she didn't pick up- that was her decision.

You can also take care of yourself emotionally. If she's cut you off and you made other plans for Christmas, then this is how it is. But you can still send something- a small gift, card, flowers. (I decided to not send anything that if she threw it away, I'd be upset about it- so I'd send flowers, sometimes a food gift, not a costly item).

Your mother can waver back and forth. You hold steady with the contact schedule you decide on.

[mhughes]

This forum is amazing - the insight, personal experiences and support is so helpful.  Thank you for the reading recommendation and the advice if I want to be LC with my mother.  I'm at the start of this journey, but this site gives me hope that I can find the resources and guidance on how to break the cycle I grew up in.

[Methuen]

My 78-year-old uBPD mother cut off contact with me a few months ago. I won't go into the details why since it didn't make any sense (when does it ever??), but I told her that I will respect her decision and not contact her.  I just found out yesterday that she told family that she's expecting me for Christmas at her house.  When they told her I have made other plans, she was furious.  I know her reaction is irrational and disrespectful of how she's treated me, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I've "let her down" in the eyes of family members.  I never speak ill of my mother, so family only hear her side of the story.  I try to take the high road, but it's pretty lonely up here.

This!  You are not alone!

Do you by any chance have a counsellor or therapist?

Over the past 20 years I have seen a few intermittantly, and more regularly in recent years. 

The first question is do you think there's any chance this family member got it wrong and could have misunderstood?  There's that.  This is a triangle, and triangles are always dangerous.  Always best to stay away from this kind of triangle!

How close/far away do you live from your mom?  You mention you found out yesterday she's expecting you for Christmas (after being NC for several months). 

Just classic.  It's almost laughable on the surface level.  Not funny for you - living it.

First of all-don't be tempted to change your plans, or give your mom's antics too much real estate in your head. 

My mom lives less than 10 min from me.  We live in a small town, and know all the same people.  So I completely understand the dynamic you are describing.  It's very distressing.

What my T counselled H and I to do, was to respond to people with "generalizations" about mom when something like this came up, so we're not saying anything negative about her, but also telling the truth.  Sometimes, people may see things that are odd in the BPD, but they don't understand it.  So our response can keep us in our lane (the "high" road), but also address the other person with curiosity or a generalization that may satisfy them so that we don't add to the misunderstanding by not replying.

Eg. you could just state the "facts" without ANY emotion, + a good dose of curiosity.

"Oh that's interesting.  I wonder why she didn't have that conversation with me, or check with me first?" (legitimately confused)

"Oh I didn't know she was hosting Christmas.  I wasn't expecting to be invited this year, and already made other plans."

These kinds of statements don't say anything bad about her, they just remain curious or state a fact.

Our situation is complicated by the fact that we live so close to mom and know the same people.  Albeit the relationships are different.

"Mom can be complicated.  It's best if the health professionals look after that."

"Mom can be complicated.  I wonder why she chose to cancel that service?" (If someone thinks we should be dispensing her eye drops)

"Mom can be complicated.  She's in assisted living now."

Responding with a curious question, or simple facts (that don't explain) can be helpful.

Saying nothing in response can actually give whatever she said more power.

Having said that, even when I do this effectively, I still carry an emotional reaction the same way you describe it afterwards - guilt and shame.  This is the ultimate challenge I think - how to free ourselves of that...because guaranteed it was our mother's who raised us who groomed us to feel those things.  It's how they got their needs met successfully for so long before we set up boundaries for ourselves and to manage our own sense of well-being (ie exorcise "some" of their controlling behavior and crazy from our lives)

I'm still working on that recovery, and haven't figured it out yet.  I really hope the light bulb goes on soon.

Feeling for you.  Definitely understand the problem. 

Welcome to our forum mhughes!

[mhughes]

Thank you for the warm welcome and I appreciate the time you took to respond - a lot of good advice to know what to say to people.  I'm "lucky" in that I live very far from her, in a different country in fact.  Your examples of what to say will help when responding to my extended family about why I'm not visiting.

A more complex and delicate subject is what to say to my two young adult sons, one who lives in her town, the other who lives a couple of states away.  I don't know if there's a specific thread about how to handle discussing a BPD grandparent with one's children. 

While they're starting to have conflict with her (i.e., they're no longer a cute, easy to impress captive audience for her), they're trying to hold on to the love they've always had for her.  How do I explain to them that they need to set their own personal boundaries with her and protect themselves, but not give the impression that I'm trying to control their relationship or slip into dumping my own experiences/memories/issues on them? 
Thank you for redirecting me if there's a more appropriate thread for this question.
 

[Notwendy]

If you can trust your kids to not share that your mother has BPD with her- (this is not keeping a secret or triangulating- explain that it doesn't usually work well to tell the person that), what I did with my teen- young adult children was to explain it in terms of mental illness.

By my teens, I could have understood this and I think it would have helped if someone had explained it to me. I didn't want my kids to think her behavior was their fault or that it was acceptable to behave like this. I also discussed boundaries with them.

I didn't share all the things that happened when I was a child. They didn't need to know that. I did allude to some of it if it was relevant.

I was open with the challenges of being the next of kin in her elder years. It wasn't a normal situation and I wanted them to see that I too found it a challenge to balance being respectful to her and having boundaries- and because it was important- I wanted them to see that I made the effort. I also have been open about seeking counseling and that it is OK to do that if needed.

This was an evolving discussion according to their own maturation. I didn't want to triangulate with them.

[Methuen]

A more complex and delicate subject is what to say to my two young adult sons, one who lives in her town, the other who lives a couple of states away.  I don't know if there's a specific thread about how to handle discussing a BPD grandparent with one's children. 

While they're starting to have conflict with her (i.e., they're no longer a cute, easy to impress captive audience for her), they're trying to hold on to the love they've always had for her.  How do I explain to them that they need to set their own personal boundaries with her and protect themselves, but not give the impression that I'm trying to control their relationship or slip into dumping my own experiences/memories/issues on them? 
Thank you for redirecting me if there's a more appropriate thread for this question.

In our case, we picked a time when all 4 of us were together (H and I, and our 2 youngish adult children at the time).  My H was the one to tell them.  He started off by acknowledging a few bizarre and/or difficult behaviors our children had experienced or been witness to.  H shared the counselling we had been receiving to help navigate her behaviors and the conflicts and chaos she had been bringing into our lives for years.  Then he put the name to it - BPD - (and acknowledged that 3 independent counsellors (and my dad's doctor before he died) all said it "sounded like" BPD.  He mentioned it was NOT a diagnosis.  He emphasized that this was private and confidential information and that it needed to stay that way.  Then he stated we had decided to share this because her behaviors were accelerating and affecting everyone in our family of 4, and we wanted our kids to know this was a form of mental illness so that they did got go on thinking it was normal to be behaving the way she was.  In fact, it was important to us they be aware it was NOT normal, so that they could better understand what was driving her shaningans, and see the behaviors within the context of mental illness.  And also maybe better recognize "not normal" behaviors in their relationships in the present or future.  That is so important.  So often when there are dysfunctional dynamics that children grow up in, they can end up being attracted to a certain kind of dysfunction and marry it!

They grew up loving their grandma, and being very involved with her.  By now I saw the influence she had on them. I wanted them to know enough so that they could protect themselves against being made a "caretaker" for her.  This is what my mom did with me, and tried to do with her grandson.  The good thing is that he now lives 6 1/2 hours away, and physically cannot be manipulated into "caretaking" her.  But had he remained living here, she would have tried, and because he is good hearted and had a soft spot for her, she would have succeeded to some degree. Guaranteed. 

By any chance, is your mom being somewhat "demanding" of "needing things done" from your son who lives nearby?  This is my prediction, because pwBPD are "needy".  She will take over his life if he lets her, and one day maybe even suggest he could move in with her to save rent.  Hopefully this won't be his situation, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't.

When our son was younger, she used to do things like do his homework for him, and then sign off on the homework as his parent.  One time he got in trouble with a teacher in one class, and she signed off on that letter too.  They colluded and never told us.  The story came out a few years ago when he decided to share it with us.  He thought it was funny. We were horrified that she pretended to be his parent, and did not share these things with us.  That was not her place or decision to make. But she thought as the grandparent she could do what she wanted.  There is no limit to the ways a pwBPD will break boundaries to groom someone to meet their needs. Mom had all the power, and had a ton of fun using it knowing that "she was pulling the wool over our eyes".  Power and control is a game to them.  All the "favours" she did for him, would get "called in" at a later time when she wanted him to do something for her.  It was bargaining power.  It always is.

He has his eyes open now.  He has seen her during several "borderline spells", and has openly called her on it verbally with us present.  We were relieved, and proud.  He was the "golden child" from the day he was born, so to witness him calling her out was a relief.  Her second grandchild got little to no attention, even though she was an amazing child.  That's the way it goes with a borderline.

Having the discussion also gave our adult children an opportunity to find ways to support us if they understood a mental illness was involved.  It was easy to call it a mental illness because at the time my mother had just finished telling everyone that a typical seasonal furry catapillar (that probably came in on her clothing and she found in her bed) had come out of her "bottom" as a body worm.  She took it to emerg and showed the doctor.  He reportedly laughed out loud.  She was advertising this story to everyone she knew and loving the reactions of people and the attention it was getting her.  Our kids knew she was "off". Incidentally, she was a trained nurse.

I could write a book of stories about her. 

You know your own situation.  Every situation is different.  Our kids were actually both reasonably responsible and we knew we could trust them with this information, and that they would keep it confidential.  The purpose was really to protect them against being used and manipulated by her, and to let them know that it was both "ok" and necessary to have boundaries with their "grandma". Otherwise, it could be very hard for a young person to say no or have any boundaries to an elder. Thankfully, they have used the info wisely, and pretty effectively for the most part.  I am still the one who struggles with her the most out of the 4 of us.

You know your kids best.  You will find the way that works best for you in your situation which is very unique from everyone else's. There are so many variables involved to consider. 

Best wishes

[Notwendy]

I wanted them to know enough so that they could protect themselves against being made a "caretaker" for her.  This is what my mom did with me, and tried to do with her grandson. 

By any chance, is your mom being somewhat "demanding" of "needing things done" from your son who lives nearby?  This is my prediction, because pwBPD are "needy".  She will take over his life if he lets her, and one day maybe even suggest he could move in with her to save rent.  Hopefully this won't be his situation, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't.

This is when I felt the need to help my kids protect their boundaries and also validate their own boundaries.

I knew that BPD mother wouldn't act up in front of the kids to the extent we saw as kids. I didn't leave them alone with her when they were young, not because I thought she'd do something harmful but because she couldn't handle it. It wasn't an issue as we visited as a family and adults were always around.

It was when they were older that I saw, as Methuen mentioned, she began to enlist them as emotional caretakers. They didn't need adult supervision and were able to do things for her. One incident made this clear. BPD mother wanted one of my kids to take the trash out for her. The kids were busy so I offered to do it. She refused and replied "I want __________(child's name) to do it. It wasn't about the trash but about my child doing things for her that she wanted.