I recently found out my friend’s boyfriend is emotionally abusive

[Depression = 72% of members]

I spoke to my friend (F22) about some things her boyfriend (27M) had been saying, because she seemed upset about other stuff and I hated feeling like I was keeping things from her. My point was mainly to do with him constantly talking about his ex they are in a 2 year relationship his ex is from 4 years ago.

When we talked, she told me about several incidents these were kinda the main things:
A couple of weeks earlier, he called her by his ex’s name.
One night her wallet was stolen; instead of supporting her, he kept calling her stupid and then pushed her near a road.
In a very personal situation, he abandoned her completely, making her handle it on her own, and then somehow made her feel she had to apologise to him.

She told me this kind of thing is common: whenever she asks for help, he’s dismissive, rude, or aggressive, and she ends up apologising for even bringing it up.

Her reaction when describing these events scared me she justified everything (“he was drunk,” “I started the argument,” “it was only one person”) and seemed willing to take whatever he dishes out as long as he doesn’t leave. That’s when I started to see clear signs of emotional abuse and potential escalation, especially since there’s already been physical aggression.

After that conversation, I stopped talking to him entirely. He then began telling people I didn’t like him, and tried to get my friends to go out with him. I eventually sent him a message explaining I no longer saw him as a friend (without going into her private details). He left it on read, which to me just reinforced his avoidance and immaturity.

Here’s the problem: I’m due to move into a house with him, her, and another friend this month. I considered cancelling the lease, but she’s already committed to the move and got a job here, and I was worried about leaving her alone with him.

I spoke to her again recently because I felt her pulling away. She said she still wants to be friends but admitted this has put her in a tough spot, since she’s “something to do with him” and doesn’t want to be disrespectful towards him. I told her I could take a step back so she doesn’t feel stuck in the middle

Obviously I don’t want to spread her business but he has no issue sending my message I sent to him around and twisting it this is leading a lot of mutual friends to believe I’m overreacting and I’ll get over it and I just dislike him for now but I’m disgusted by his behaviour the emotional abuse, physical aggression, verbal insults to her face and behind her back, twisting situations to make her the problem, and the complete lack of empathy or accountability like this isn’t something I could get past.

I don’t know whether to move into this house or walk away.
I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I also don’t want to enable or ignore what’s going on.
I’d really appreciate advice on whether to pull out of the lease, and how to handle living with someone I can’t respect while still being there for a friend who’s in a toxic relationship.

[LindenJ]

I spoke to my friend (F22) about some things her boyfriend (27M) had been saying, because she seemed upset about other stuff and I hated feeling like I was keeping things from her. My point was mainly to do with him constantly talking about his ex they are in a 2 year relationship his ex is from 4 years ago.

When we talked, she told me about several incidents these were kinda the main things:
A couple of weeks earlier, he called her by his ex’s name.
One night her wallet was stolen; instead of supporting her, he kept calling her stupid and then pushed her near a road.
In a very personal situation, he abandoned her completely, making her handle it on her own, and then somehow made her feel she had to apologise to him.

She told me this kind of thing is common: whenever she asks for help, he’s dismissive, rude, or aggressive, and she ends up apologising for even bringing it up.

Her reaction when describing these events scared me she justified everything (“he was drunk,” “I started the argument,” “it was only one person”) and seemed willing to take whatever he dishes out as long as he doesn’t leave. That’s when I started to see clear signs of emotional abuse and potential escalation, especially since there’s already been physical aggression.

After that conversation, I stopped talking to him entirely. He then began telling people I didn’t like him, and tried to get my friends to go out with him. I eventually sent him a message explaining I no longer saw him as a friend (without going into her private details). He left it on read, which to me just reinforced his avoidance and immaturity.

Here’s the problem: I’m due to move into a house with him, her, and another friend this month. I considered cancelling the lease, but she’s already committed to the move and got a job here, and I was worried about leaving her alone with him.

I spoke to her again recently because I felt her pulling away. She said she still wants to be friends but admitted this has put her in a tough spot, since she’s “something to do with him” and doesn’t want to be disrespectful towards him. I told her I could take a step back so she doesn’t feel stuck in the middle

Obviously I don’t want to spread her business but he has no issue sending my message I sent to him around and twisting it this is leading a lot of mutual friends to believe I’m overreacting and I’ll get over it and I just dislike him for now but I’m disgusted by his behaviour the emotional abuse, physical aggression, verbal insults to her face and behind her back, twisting situations to make her the problem, and the complete lack of empathy or accountability like this isn’t something I could get past.

I don’t know whether to move into this house or walk away.
I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I also don’t want to enable or ignore what’s going on.
I’d really appreciate advice on whether to pull out of the lease, and how to handle living with someone I can’t respect while still being there for a friend who’s in a toxic relationship.

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[GaGrl]

That's a difficult position in which to find yourself.

Living with three roommates is tough enough as it is without going into it knowing that one roommate is emotionally abusive and might have emotional and mental problems that will affect the living situation. He sounds immature for 27 years old, at best. At worst...

Based just on this brief description, my advice is to pull out of this lease situation.