My wife is refusing to let my mother visit or see the grandchildren…

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Posted before finishing

You have invested a lot in the marriage and you have seen the results of that investment. The bettering board proposes this as a first attempt and perhaps in some milder cases, the situation improves enough to be manageable. As FD said, it is a continuous reassessment.

At some point, it's possible to look at the results of efforts and see how much they have helped. If the person is more severely affected and the behaviors aren't tolerable, it may be that the relationship isn't workable or has reached the limits of workable. Each person has to decide what that means for them.

[Notwendy]

Posted before finishing

You have invested a lot in the marriage and you have seen the results of that investment. The bettering board proposes this as a first attempt and perhaps in some milder cases, the situation improves enough to be manageable. As FD said, it is a continuous reassessment.

At some point, it's possible to look at the results of efforts and see how much they have helped. If the person is more severely affected and the behaviors aren't tolerable, it may be that the relationship isn't workable or has reached the limits of workable. Each person has to decide what that means for them.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I am working and my wife is not. She is due to start college next week though. ...

Careful with this; college could be an excuse to avoid work, and a very expensive one for you if you're getting stuck with the costs of her college education on top of all your household expenses.  I've seen people in my life stretch college or graduate school out for years and yet when they graduate they're STILL nothing but a burden on someone else, but now with the added "bonus" of all the debt they accrued while in school. 

Your situation is as complicated as any other with young kids involved, and while it may seem overwhelming to think of a way to separate and make it work, note that you don't have to; a court typically does that.  I think this is why seeing an attorney for a consultation is so worth it.  They can explain to you the local rules and the likely outcome of your case.  This does wonders for your peace of mind & takes away the scariness of the threats around divorce pwBPD love to make. 

At least where I live, the standard divorce outcome was not too bad & it was helpful to have seen an attorney and gotten this advice b/c what my then-BPD-wife was telling me what would happen in a divorce amounted to a fantasy world of what she wanted to happen not what the law would determine. 

You don't have to figure it all out at once; break it into steps and figure those out in turn.  Get legal advice, explore living options for the separation, etc. get your own bank account separate from the soon-to-be-ex's, etc. 

And at the same time, preparing for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it.   You can work on bettering the relationship for as long as it lasts.  And if things do improve and you're content enough to stay, then you can stay!  Consider preparing for the divorce as an insurance policy though, insurance against ensuring that you're not trapped in an unhealthy or unsafe situation simply because you don't know how to get out. 

Just be mindful that your preparations remain secret! 

[ForeverDad]

Just be mindful that your preparations remain secret!

This is where I often step up and remind our members that we all, each of us, have rights to our privacy and confidentiality.  That includes our future options and future decisions.  It's not being mean, it's being wise and smart.

How so?  Sharing too much information can - and will - be used against us.  That's just the nature of an acting-out disorder such as BPD.  If sharing too much information beyond typical necessary parenting matters has a potential to expose us to being sabotaged now or in the future, then wisdom dictates that we avoid divulging sensitive information, either when being manipulated or by guilting or by interrogations.

It may sounds strange to put it that bluntly, but many here sabotaged themselves by sharing too much information.  I explain this so you are forewarned and prepared.

On a related thought, if she has sought to finance college by having you co-sign loans, what that would mean is that if she never repaid them, then you'd be responsible to repay them.  From a practical perspective - for yourself and for the parenting of your children - do try to limit your financial exposure since presently you are not confident your marriage has a solid future.  For example, if she seek for your to guarantee a loan for her them you could limit your agreement to one year increments.  Or that doing so would require her to acquiesce to grandmother contact?  (In other words, you give a little and she gives a little.)

[thankful person]

Thank you all, I am considering very carefully everything that has been said on here. I am stuck on leaving the playground so the bully doesn’t win.. isn’t that what the bully wanted? I don’t know honestly. I had a lot of trouble with bullies. I need to remember that it seems my wife does need me with her ringing three times a day for the duration of my availability, and saying she can’t put the kids to bed without my help.(I also get them up in the morning).

PW, I understand your concerns. The government is loaning the money to put w through college, I am not responsible for that. I am hoping that the experience will help with her mental health. I know that pwbpd do not just “get better” especially without therapy. But my wife has sat on the sofa breast feeding for 6 years!!! She needs to get out and gain some confidence. I really want this for her. She has no qualifications and no friends. I’m rooting for her partly because she’s that crazy she might even change her mind about my Mum once she’s feeling happier.

I will try and get some legal advice in the little free time I have. I’ll try to go against my instinct to be honest and keep my wife informed at every step. I don’t want to serve her divorce papers and be like, “I really didn’t want to do this, I just want the children to see Granny!” It sounds ridiculous but it’s how I feel…

[Notwendy]

Thank you all, I am considering very carefully everything that has been said on here. I am stuck on leaving the playground so the bully doesn’t win.. isn’t that what the bully wanted? I don’t know honestly. I had a lot of trouble with bullies. I need to remember that it seems my wife does need me with her ringing three times a day for the duration of my availability, and saying she can’t put the kids to bed without my help.(I also get them up in the morning).

,

This is just a guess- as I can't predict what your wife wants or will do, but in my situation, what the "bully" wanted was control, not leaving. Like your wife, she could not have managed on her own. She was dependent on my father as your wife is on you.

This was a paradox. Dad earned the money, he was the more stable parent and yet, BPD mother seemed to be in control.

If the main reason is fear of your wife leaving you, it's possible that this fear is greater than what may actually happen.

For my father, there was an additional fear that could and did happen and it was the extreme reactions of my mother if people didn't go along with her.

Your wish- for your mother to see your children without rocking the boat in your marriage may not be realistic. It's weighing two consequences- one being your mother doesn't see the kids, or your wife reacts in a difficult way. These are two difficult choices.

Don't hold me to this- it's a wild guess- but I don't think your wife can manage on her own. She either may not actually leave you but if she did- I don't think it would last long. I don't think likely she'd find someone else willing to take on your role for her and the kids. Possible maybe but not so easy to do.

I'm not suggesting you bring up leaving as leverage. That isn't a helpful thing to do. However, if she threatens leaving, it might not have the leverage you fear it does.

BPD mother would bring up divorce, but I don't think she could have managed doing that.