Wife’s hidden trauma. Burned out

[Zosima]

I’m completely burned out with my wife. The spirals are happening daily. I’ve refused to give guarantees that I’ll stay because I can’t keep performing just to keep her calm.

She made a couple comments in the last week about how I have no idea what she’s been through and if I did I’d understand why she’s so angry. She screamed she’s so angry that people hurt her or didn’t help her, and now she has to carry the burden of that and risk losing her marriage. She’s always been vague about her trauma. I know some specifics about her mother and some sexual abuse, but her comments made me wonder if there is more than what she shared. I asked her directly if there was more, but assured her she didn’t have to tell me any details. She said yes but was cagey about it.  She has always been cagey and I don’t know if it’s shame or fear of acknowledging it, or if this is just an unconscious manipulation tactic—vague mentions of abuse that might justify her behavior or keep me from holding strict boundaries and expectations for her participation with DBT/other treatment.

I’ve seen the pattern of spiral-apologize-repeat so many times now, I have very little trust in the things she says when she’s calm and seems self aware and takes accountability. I fantasize about leaving all day and then I numb out with work, beer or a video game or tv show. I’m sinking back into my old numbing habits when I was escaping my emotionally volatile family dynamic. She is refusing to let me join her to speak with her DBT therapists. I respect her feelings but I hoped to  express my burnout feelings, check in on where they think things are at (6months of DBT with no change), and just connect with some of the other support that she has. I’m alone with her every day with no communication with them, as her only lifeline, and she has completely isolated herself from everyone else in her life. I’m alone carrying her and if I leave she’s going to fall apart.

The idea that there may be even more trauma that she hasn’t shared feels daunting and a bit like a betrayal, although I understand her not divulging may be about protecting herself. I suspect it’s partially about controlling the narrative and me. That’s if there even WAS more trauma. We are 1 year into marriage and I refuse to let my life be consumed by her trauma, especially when she still seems to be at the stage of not facing it fully. I love her but it is not fair to expect me to sacrifice my peace, health and potential to carry her as she avoids the hard truth that it is her responsibility, and that unfortunately, by avoiding addressing it until now (she’s 29) it may mean that our marriage will not survive, because these behaviors are unacceptable and very likely traumatizing for me.

[Pook075]

You're asking a very interesting question and there's an equally interesting answer- because what is trauma?

Some might say living through something horrible- like if we were in the world trade center on September 11th and barely escaped.  That would definitely cause lasting trauma. 

But at the same time, trauma is a mental condition...it's literally in your head.  Logically, we could say that we're not inside the world trade center anymore, we're not in danger anymore, so why not just forget about it and move on with life?  If only it were so easy...

What your wife deals with is very real to her and very traumatic.  Yet you're asking her to quantify it like I just did with the above example.  It wasn't that bad, was it?  Everyone reacts differently to trauma and everyone heals at a different pace.  If my mental anguish from an experience is a 3 and yours is a 10, that doesn't mean one of us is wrong...it's just how we process it,

Could there be more in your wife's past?  Absolutely.  But it's likely not what you think...it's all the times she felt broken and alone and scared from the stuff you already know about, or things completely different.  She's not betraying you by not talking out her worst fears in life and it's entirely possible that she can't talk about it or even put it into words.  That's what trauma does.

Here's something else to think about.  Someone who sees a spider could be more traumatized than WTC survivors, just because of their mental state and how they deal with the world around them.  That sounds ridiculous, I know, but that's just how our brains work.  Some people can let go of almost anything while others will carry things to their grave.  Everyone is unique and has unique experiences.

Another thing to keep in mind- by doubting your wife's trauma, it's making the trauma all the more painful for her since she feels like it's a burden she has to carry alone.  That's why you guys are struggling right now, because without you even saying anything, she could feel betrayed and unloved.  That's the beast of mental illness and trauma.

Whether you decide to stay or leave, I would advise you to let her work with her therapists on her own.  If you need to talk to someone, then consider booking a few visits with your own therapist to talk through this stuff.  So many here have done exactly that and I've yet to see anyone say that they felt like it was a mistake.  I went to three therapy sessions during a separation with my BPD ex wife and they were a huge help in understanding the illness and validating my own feelings of frustration.

[Zosima]

Thank you for the reply. It was my therapist who recommended connecting with my wife and her therapist. We have done 2 joint sessions in the past. And yes, trauma is relative. I’m not concerned about the content or amount. More that she gave the impression that she had confronted it and was working on DBT skills, when the truth may be that she still won’t admit the extent of it to herself, me, her therapist… there are many examples of her misrepresenting facts and controlling the narrative. It’s not a moral failing. I understand the reason. But it does build resentment in me that she demands I promise to never leave as she is avoiding even confronting the problem head on. I can respect that may be a valid part of her process of recovery, but I know my limits and they are that I cannot stay with someone who won’t face the truth, who is still managing reality and me to keep from having to deal with the problem head on. It’s like an addict who is still drinking or refuses to go to group.

[Pook075]

Thank you for the reply. It was my therapist who recommended connecting with my wife and her therapist. We have done 2 joint sessions in the past. And yes, trauma is relative. I’m not concerned about the content or amount. More that she gave the impression that she had confronted it and was working on DBT skills, when the truth may be that she still won’t admit the extent of it to herself, me, her therapist… there are many examples of her misrepresenting facts and controlling the narrative. It’s not a moral failing. I understand the reason. But it does build resentment in me that she demands I promise to never leave as she is avoiding even confronting the problem head on. I can respect that may be a valid part of her process of recovery, but I know my limits and they are that I cannot stay with someone who won’t face the truth, who is still managing reality and me to keep from having to deal with the problem head on. It’s like an addict who is still drinking or refuses to go to group.

I completely understand, and I'm not judging you at all here.  The simple answer is that BPD sucks for everyone involved.

Your wife's mental illness will continue to be a journey for the rest of her life, and no psychiatrist or treatment can "fix her".  The only way that happens is if she (1) realizes the need for change and (2) puts in the work to make those changes. 

For instance, my BPD daughter probably could have taught DBT classes at the age of 20; yet not an ounce of it soaked in or made any difference in her life.  Three years later, she got serious about healing and her entire life changed in the span of six months.  The factor that had to change was her though; none of us have any control over that.

In your situation, you must do what's best for your mental health.  It's noble for others to say 'put your wife first', but the reality is that your mindset is more important than anything when it comes to helping her.  That's why you must come first in all of this, whatever that means for you.  Again, I can't judge as an outsider looking in.

[ForeverDad]

We all made promises, whether in hope of better times, after manipulation, by guilting or by demands.  This fact remains: You have a right to reconsider prior decisions and promises.

You have no idea to what extent your spouse is sharing her issues with her DBT therapists or diligently applying the therapy, all you know is that there has been no improvement thus far.  There are rules the therapists have to abide by and one is that they can't reach out or even reply to you (HIPAA privacy laws) unless she gives permission.  On the other hand, I'm not aware of any laws that prevent you from leaving them a brief message that no improvement is apparent to you.

The others are correct.  She will only recover sufficiently if it is her decision, her determination.  You are in an emotional relationship with her and you can't "fix" her since she can't truly listen due to the emotional baggage of the close relationship.  Maybe the therapists can help but the outcome is still up to her what her future will be.

We don't have any children. I'm scared of her getting pregnant where we would have children and it would get more complicated.

This is a wise perspective.  In my case, I had been married for a decade and life was getting gradually worse.  I knew nothing about mental health disorders and had the idea having a baby would make her happier watching a child discover life.  How wrong I was.  Having children actually created more problems and, as you wrote, made a failing marriage and years of separate parenting vastly more complicated.

[Zosima]

I appreciate both of your responses. It's hard to know if she really is at that point of acceptance and ready to do the work. She has reduced her DBT sessions to once weekly, so it alternates talk therapy and skills classes every other week. After this past 3 week period of daily spirals, apology texts and no action taken toward change, I told her that I am hurting in this dynamic and that I can't continue  without a more consistent, structured treatment plan. I didn't tell her she HAD to do it, just that I couldn't keep repeating the pattern and hoping something would change. She is looking for programs but it seems like she's just doing it to keep me, not because she's determined to find the support she needs to change. She tries to demand commitment from me and claims that it is a prerequisite for her improvement—as in I can't expect her to focus on improving if I am not 100% in and committed. The time frame starts at forever, but as I tell her I can't do that honestly right now she starts bargaining— "6 months? 3 months? So you're leaving next week is that what you're saying?"

It's a brutal time, because in my gut I can feel that I cannot do 6 more months of this without losing more of myself and my career and resenting her more. I don't know what kind of miracle I can expect in 6 months, but I don't believe it's practical. And it won't be any easier to leave after she's done a program. It's just impossible... It's insane the kind of demands, bargaining, pleading, guilting, litigating, etc. that she does to get a commitment out of me when I take a stand with my limits. It all just suggests to me that she's nowhere near acceptance, which means we are nowhere near relief.

[Pook075]

As I shared, my kid made incredible progress in six months...so it is possible.  But we also have to put this in perspective.  What would acceptable progress look like to you?

A surface level answer could be, "I want her to be cured."  But that's not realistic or productive.  That's like saying I won't be happy until I walk on the moon.  First, I'd need to get to the moon...and for that, I'd need to make travel arrangements, get in shape, join NASA/Space X, etc.  And that would probably mean the proper degrees...you can see where I'm going with this.

Can we list 3-5 very specific things that are non-negotiable? 

For instance, no more yelling and arguing...we sit down and talk like adults.  And when someone gets heated, we take a 15 minute break and then try again in a civil manner.

By breaking this down into what's acceptable/not acceptable, you can have a more productive conversation with your wife and name specific things that need to change now.  The goal is bite-sized goals that can be met within the week, within the month, etc.  And if she wants a promise you won't leave, then you need a promise as well.

Why does this matter?  BPDs like to blame others for their own problems, instead of accepting that it comes from within.  So if you say that you want to stay forever, but you can't live with x, y, and z, then she's in full control and making the decision if you stay or leave.

Make sense?  You're going to make crystal-clear boundaries, just a few at first, and she will either honor them or she won't.  That way you're giving her all the power and you're simply following through on what's best for your life.

She does x, y, and z, and you stay in a happy marriage where you work through things together..

She ignores x, y, and z, and you're finding somewhere else to live for a few weeks.

When you try to reconcile, if she still doesn't honor x, y, and z, you're not coming back.

These are very black and white rules, and BPDs need them to fully understand the situation.  It's like telling a kid they can't have ice cream until they eat their veggies.  You stick to it and make it known that it's their choice...they can respect you or they can do their own thing.  You're not making the decision, and you want the kid to enjoy ice cream, but he has to do what's required first.

Make sense?

[Notwendy]

For any kind of therapy to work, the person needs to be, themselves, motivated to work with the therapist. A therapist doesn't have the power to do it to someone. In addition, nobody else does too.

BPD is a spectrum disorder. While DBT is considered to be a key treatment, it's not a "cure" in the sense like taking an antibiotic cures an infection. It's long term work for the person involved.

You make a good point about your boundary- it's not anyone's fault if they were to have an illness, but you want them to do their part in recovery.

If your spouse had an infection and took her medicine, you'd have no issue with that. If she had an infection, refused to take the medicine, then blamed you for her having a fever, this would be an issue for you. But your pushing for her to take it leads to conflict in itself. She has to be the one to want to take it.

It is possible for someone to also sit in therapy and have it go nowhere, if they aren't able to have the insight to their own behavior, and if they aren't fully transparent with the therapist or able to receive constructive input from them.

What you want, instead, is a change in behavior. Knowing that only your wife can change her own behavior, it's not something you can control. If she is doing the work with the therapist, you would see that.

The barganing on her part- making your commitment to not leave a contingency of her getting therapy. This is not internal motivation. She also might make quick behavior changes to keep you from leaving but then, if you agree to not leave -the motivation for that would be gone. Rather than make this a contingency- it's probably better to not make staying or leaving a part of the discussion. It might externally motivate her but this isn't what you want. You might get her to step it up out of fear you might leave, but fear is not what you want from her.

You mentioned alcohol addiction. The dynamics in a family/relationship where one person is an alcoholic are very similar to that where a person has BPD, so much so that programs like ACA and CODA are helpful to family members of pwBPD (they are not designed to help the person with BPD- these are lay programs)

Like alcohol, these dynamics affect a whole family. So that, and behaviors due to trauma can be passed on to future generations. You mentioned your wife had trauma, due to her own mother. It's likely her own mother experienced trauma too. Trauma may be a contributing factor to BPD but it doesn't always do so. It is possible to "break the cycle" if someone is motivated to do so and to learn different behaviors but they themselves are the ones to do that.

Although it feels like a betrayal to you to not disclose trauma, it's hard to know that this is the reason. It might not be. That she seems vague about it is a component of it. Dissociation is an aspect of BPD but not only BPD. It's a defense mechanism children learn to cope with trauma and so, they may not even remember it and do it as adults sometimes too. Sometimes an experience in current times can bring back a memory.

I think a key component to how an adult deals with trauma is the ability to recognize it for what it is, and want to make the effort to  not reenact it/blame other people for it in current times. Sometimes they might slip up in this work, as these are emotional reactions, but to own it if they do. Whether or not a pwBPD has the ability to do this can vary.

It's the closest relationships that elicit this reenactment. Understanably, you don't want to take the emotional role of whoever did something to your wife as she re-experiences this.

Boundaries aren't something we place on another person. They are based on our own values and determine our response to when they are violated. There are also possible "deal breakers" - which can be based on behaviors like abuse, addiction, infidelity, destroying property. PwBPD may be struggling emotionally but BPD doesn't have to be a permit for anything goes. You can determine what you will and won't tolerate, and while you can state the boundary, making it a topic of continued circular arguments leads to drama.

Along with your therapist, it may help to consider some responses to behaviors. If yelling at each other is a boundary- you don't do it and also you stop the conversation if she does it.

This is her mental illness and her trauma. You didn't cause it, you can't change it for her. Let her know her therapy is in her hands and let her manage it.

If violence is one. You don't do it, you walk out if she does it.

If she threatens self harm, she needs professional help- call 911.

If she brings up a topic you don't want to discuss, you end the conversation.

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a disorder of close emotional relationships.  In other words, the closer you are, the worse the behavior to which you're exposed.  It is where the individual can't or won't actually listen to the people closest because they are so sensitized and triggered by the past emotional baggage of the relationship.  It is most evident when in private areas where a "public face" often drops away to expose underlying perceptions and emotions.

Also, people on the periphery may notice something "off" but it's not as intense or prolonged for them.  Their contact is not a close relationship.

Be aware of another aspect.  If you separate, it may seem that she's behaving better but it could be due to the distance apart.  That is not necessarily an indication of recovery.  Getting close again may give opportunity again for the prior issues, still unresolved, to arise again.

Here we have practical peer support, boards filled with similar accounts and what has worked for many, boards which detail various helpful relationship tools and skills and more.

[Zosima]

Thank you, both. It is refreshing to hear from people who actually understand the dynamic. If/when I choose to share with friends or family, it's obvious they don't understand. I'll get cliche responses like, "every marriage has challenges." Yes, but I wonder how I would manage under "normal" circumstances...

Does anyone have an experience with loss of attraction/desire/intimacy with their partner? I have felt nothing for 2-3 months. It stresses my wife out, understandably. It's been a month since we had sex, and even then I felt like I was doing it more to appease her than because I really wanted to. It feels like more performing to keep her calm. I've just been imagining we're in triage and focusing on the most pressing issues first—having less frequent spirals and more balance in our relationship (ie. less caretaking, more partnership). It feels like all I/we can do for now, and then hope that the attraction comes back. Any insight here?