Grief of disconnection

[ArtVandelay61]

Hi All. I have found such comfort and I have a much better understanding of my wife who exhibits traits of a BPD personality after joining the list. This is a serious mental illness, and I need help managing it. I have already learned some skills and have changed my way of thinking as a result of people sharing their ESH from this list. Thank you.

My post today is on how this mental illness has stolen my wife's ability and desire to have physical intimacy now.

As I was reflecting over the loss of physical intimacy with my BPD W it occurred to me how much this loss is very painful and profoundly real to me. It's a true mourning of connection, touch, spontaneity and mutual desire. All the things that make me feel alive and loved. She just hasn't been able to give that to me in the way I desire it. I have told her this, and she asks that I be patient and understanding. She says she is "working on it" She assures me I'm attractive to her and that she loves me, but without the intimacy I don't "feel" it. (we haven't engaged in the marital act for almost 11 months) I don't "feel" loved, and I don't feel desired or attractive. We still share a bed, hold hands, hug, laugh and enjoy each other's company, but there is no longer the  marital embrace. I keep hoping that this is just a "season" but can't help but feel sad. I worry it may never come back. I do realize that what feels like rejection to me may actually be her self protection. It's likely not about my worth, but about her regulation system trying (and failing) to keep her pain from her past trauma resurfacing. She has a history of numerous sexual assaults going all the way back to when she was only 3. Growing up, she was promiscuous in high school and college and experienced numerous "date rapes". I feel like I added to it because early on in our relationship, we had a "whirlwind" courtship that included lots of regular and spontaneous sex, which at the time I thought was mutual and healthy (we both were in previous marriages that were sex less for decades and when we met, we really thought we had discovered what was missing in our lives-we even talked about it) But now, she looks back and regards our sex we had then as a time when I "took advantage of her" and then abandoned her. She says I hurt her and have never apologized to her for it (Of course I have attempted to but no reply I offer seems to satisfy her-its a reoccurring sore spot she brings up when she is emotionally disregulated) I know that this is distorted thinking, and of course no explanation or reasoning will ever change her mind. Truth is I NEVER took advantage of her or EVER left her. I loved her then every bit as much as I do now and even then, I was certain that we would always be together. (We never broke up, but there were times when I needed to focus my attention on legal matters around a divorce and spent less time together) The reason I give all this history is because I want to approach her again on my feelings and try to find ways to get back what we once shared. I'm fearful that it may get to the point of no return if I don't and I will give up. That would likely lead to lives that were separate and distant.I don't want that. I already feel like we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I also know that if I just "drop it" or ignore  this, I will harbor resentment, become angry & frustrated. Even if I try to deny it, hide it, ignore it, minimize it or just outrightly pretend everything is "ok" my bad behavior will just come out in different and harmful ways like passive aggressive behavior, or feeling justified in doing what ever I want and not be concerned about her because I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, etc. Can anyone please help guide me on how to approach this tender and difficult topic to my wife who will certainly be hearing and processing all this through the filters of her BPD lenses? I appreciate all the help and I look forward to hearing from anyone who can give me some guidance on this. Jon

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