Chores and Housework

[Goodtimesbro]

Does this sound like bpd?
Laundry gets left to  do so when I get to my weekend I start completing it. Wife gets offended by me doing laundry saying that me doing the laundry is me saying she didnt do enough and is slacking.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mitochondrium]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352279.0;all

[Me88]

Does this sound like bpd?
Laundry gets left to  do so when I get to my weekend I start completing it. Wife gets offended by me doing laundry saying that me doing the laundry is me saying she didnt do enough and is slacking.

I mean, it is a victim mentality response. Lots more goes into having bpd or showing strong traits. But yes, I've heard similar things; leave a cup out on the counter overnight = I'm purposely making her life harder and don't appreciate her because she's the one who usually loads the dishes. Take my shirt off and put it on the counter after hours of fixing her car = I'm a child, I don't appreciate her and she is being taken advantage of.

Any other situations you can share that seem 'off' or way overexaggerated?

[Goodtimesbro]

Appreciate your response,
I have a large list of characteristics I've observed that leade me to think she has bpd. Keeping the subject on chores/house work it is especially the inability to complete basic things. Dish washer run but rarely unloaded, dishes not finished or sitting, laundry loads unfinished unless guests are coming(keeping appearances), rarely cooks dinner or breakfast (I work full time) and I cook more breakfast.

No participation in major project ,complains about project, wants project to stop, and when completed she does one tiny thing and says there i helped. Not satisfied with outcome of another project contractor did. Double standard caring for child if I do something wrong it's the end of the world if she does the same thing she needs the understanding.

[CC43]

Does this sound like bpd?
Laundry gets left to  do so when I get to my weekend I start completing it. Wife gets offended by me doing laundry saying that me doing the laundry is me saying she didnt do enough and is slacking.

Indeed I think that this could indicate typical dysfunctional BPD thinking.  You see, when you do a chore, you're basically reminding her that she's not pulling her weight.  Cue the feelings of inadequacy/incompetence/laziness, and she feels bad.  Rather than put things in perspective and think about things rationally (I've been procrastinating, I should help out, the weekend is a good time to catch up on chores, my spouse really goes above and beyond, I should thank him, I should pitch in and do my fair share, chores are a pain but having the household clean and organized is worth it, when the chores are done we can enjoy a nice romantic evening), her "BPD brain" takes over.  "BPD brain" doesn't like discomfort, and especially feelings of shame/inadequacy/incompetence.  She's actually torn up about it, and thinking about it so much that she unleashes her discomfort and projects it back onto you.  "You think I don't do enough and that I'm a slacker!" is code for what she really thinks about herself, but is too ashamed to admit it, let alone fix it.  Her feelings of guilt come out as accusations.  If she's really riled up, she'll go further: "All you do is work!  You care more about your stupid job and stupid things around the house than you ever cared about me!  You don't do anything for me!  You're a terrible, selfish person!  Stop what you're doing right now!  You're a loser."  Sound familiar?  I've heard this sort of thing (projection, blaming, attempt to control) from pwBPD and BPD traits many times.

In my experience with BPD, I think her ruminating and emotional turmoil is so draining that she has real difficulties functioning.  She isn't just tired, she's EXHAUSTED.  She can't handle a little fatigue, either--to her, it feels like the end of the world.  I think her internal dialogue is constantly negative, and when it comes to chores, her brain makes mountains out of molehills.  Every task seems so daunting and draining that procrastination is a typical coping tactic.  She spends more time dreading a task than actually doing it.  Moreover, since others around her have over-functioned for her, in the name of helping her and preventing a meltdown, she probably learned long ago that life is easiest when she lets other people do things for her.  The problem is, she probably didn't get a chance to learn some basic life skills, such as cooking, paying bills or handling other administrative and household matters.  Does she seem clueless/ditzy about how insurance works, how household appliances work, how to take care of her car, how much things cost, taxes and other adult matters?  It could be that she's so anxious about her incompetence that she avoids unfamiliar tasks altogether, preferring to delegate.  The sad thing is, this makes her feel less valued, less competent and less part of the family.  She could RESENT you for feeling so dependent on you.  That's typical of BPD in my opinion.

[Skip]

Short answer: a person with BPD traits might act this way, but person without BPD could also. This is not mental illness.

This reaction can come from insecurity, stress, or feeling unappreciated, especially if one partner already feels overwhelmed or criticized—even if that criticism isn’t intended.

BPD involves much broader, persistent patterns such as a life build around deep felt fear of abandonment. People with BPD traits often have a rapidly shifting self-image, unstable relationships across many contexts, impulsivity, emotional extremes.

A productive framing might be “When I do laundry on the weekend, I’m not criticizing you—I’m just helping and trying to get things done together.”

If the reaction is isolated to this issue, it’s likely about how the action is interpreted, not pathology. If similar reactions happen across many situations and escalate dramatically, then it’s worth looking at deeper emotional dynamics.

[Rowdy]

Possibly. Certainly something I experienced when my wife was at home and I worked full time. I’d come home and the pile of washing that she put in the kitchen in front of the larder cupboard would grow to over 6 foot while she got stoned and drunk. I complained and did something about it and she didn’t like it. So in the end it worked better when she worked full time, leaving me to work part time and do all the chores, cooked the dinner, bathed the kids and put them to bed and so on.

She can work and runs her own business and can do this very well, but at home she just switched off and did nothing, couldn’t pick her clothes or towels up off the bathroom floor behind her, and couldn’t even put the toilet brush down the toilet when she left her mark on a daily basis….. disgusting.

She would even go off on one if she came home and I was vacuum cleaning the house, because she didn’t like the noise, or the smell, but mostly because it meant I was doing something and all attention wasn’t on her.

Of course when the discard came I apparently never cooked for her, and did nothing. Life at home with just me and our son is much easier without her, my household chores has decreased significantly now I am not clearing up after her.

[Goodtimesbro]

Rowdy how did you survive the breakup?

She is functional with bills and other things but she can act clueless and offended when I suggested a timer for Xmas lights asking what a timre is and saying I have no problem just pressing a button.

I understand bpd is a wide range of characteristics and what I described is small tiny snippet of what ive experienced Im trying to keep to the subject of this forum post "house chores".

Here is a chore example. Before i put myself back in therapy I had adhd tendencies (a symptom of abuse by the way) of starting projects and not finishing them. My wife would be upset about all the things I started and didnt finish and how scatter brained i was. After returning to therapy and getting on my current anxiety medication I have found my focus and can start a project and finish it through.

I was vacuuming floor mats and had 7 of the 8 completed. I was so close to finishing when my wife comes out with a puzzled upset look and says to me "good job". I just say thank you knowing something is off and continue to try to finish. She goes back inside but 5 min later she comes out and repeats "good job but you are stuck on one mat and are vacuuming nothing". She ignored all the other cleaned mats on the porch. My response was to turn off the vaccum pack it up and I say "im going for a run". I worked out instead of blowing up.

There are years of examples and im tired.

[Rowdy]

How did I survive the break up. It is more like surviving. It’s a constant process, it doesn’t just go away, or stop. There is always rumination.

So, how am I surviving. Well, it’s a case of having to. The discard was quite brutal, I’ve written about it on here. My first step at survival, I threw myself into my work. As I mentioned above, we had switched roles and I went from full time work to part time with the bulk of the child care fairly early on in our relationship, from when our first child was about 2 years old. They are adults now, but while I increased my work load my wife would try and stop me working on her days off so I would be with her and she wasn’t at home on her own. Or I would have clients that were wealthy and because she was jealous would try and make me stop working for them, so that was the first struggle…. Building my customer base back up and earning enough to be able to live. I’ve had to start from square one pretty much and at times it is still a struggle.

Second step was to get out and do things, socialise, re start hobbies that had been shelved because of my wife’s hatred of me doing things that didn’t revolve around her. To see more of my family and friends as they had been neglected for similar reasons as to why my work had been neglected. Seeing those friends and family helped, because every single one of them told me how badly they thought she treated me. That’s not just my friends and family, but hers too. The first thing my father in law said to me was that his daughter didn’t deserve me, and I wouldn’t take her back if I were you. The first thing her sister said was haven’t I stopped to think how much better off I would be without her because she treated me like sh*t

So I guess the follow on from that is stopping to think more clearly. When you are fully committed in the relationship you can not do that. Your judgement is clouded and you become blind to it. They say love is blind and I suppose I and a lot of us on here are testament to that. Writing about it helps. Going back and looking at the relationship retrospectively from the beginning and realising what you have written, if it was a friend that had told you this was his/her life, what would your advice be.
Joining this forum and seeing that I am not alone. I didn’t even know what bpd was throughout my marriage, but after telling my story on a forum for people affected by partners suffering drug/alcohol abuse and being told by several people my wife is a narcissist, I researched and found out about bpd which I think the description better fits my wife, and I can certainly relate to a lot of things people have written on here. Many times I come across a post and think I could have written it word for word.

Where am I at now. It is about 2 years and 2 months since we split up, because my wife left me for a guy that was selling her drugs. A guy that was married to one of her best friends, that had been left because of his own toxic behaviour. I’d spent many months feeling as though I was the victim, but that mindset has now changed. I now see my wife as the victim of her own mind. I see her boyfriend as the victim of her behaviour. Less than a month after the discard, after being with her new boyfriend she was sleeping with me behind his back and that carried on for a year until I decided to get off that rollercoaster ride, and realised she respects absolutely no one.

Two months after that discard, when I was getting out socialising, I met a woman. A beautiful, kind, funny and far more stable woman. 14 months after meeting her we started dating. We both knew it was inevitable, but both knew I needed to heal first. That was 9 months ago. It’s not without its challenges that comes with us both having kids and living apart, but we love each other and our relationship is easy. It’s natural, it’s relaxed and calm, it’s normal when we have both been used to turbulence.

So, I am in a better relationship. I have made many new friends. I get out and do more. I can live my life, and not the life of a suppressed codependent and trauma bonded man trying to appease someone that is in effect mentally ill. It’s complicated, there is more to it than what I’ve just written, and some days can still be bad, but I know those days are by far outweighed by the good days now.