Can any treatment stop an abusive spouse from being a bully?

[SuperDaddy]

Hi there. My question is about success stories, but it focuses on a specific aspect.

Imagine a that wife fills almost the full DSM checklist for BPD, except that she does not do self-harm. Instead, she opts to do husband-harm. Well, he never bends, and that's why the relationship stands, but she keeps trying. It's trauma-based. No drug use, healthy eating and aided with many good supplements such as Omega-3 and D3.

A typical case in which the paranoid thoughts can be directly linked to childhood traumas. She has a narcissist father and she was his golden daughter who couldn't really meet up with his expectations. Also, he would force her to watch him spank her mother, and even wake her up just to watch it again. As you might expect, she projects her deep anger towards men to her intimate partners, but does that in way that effectively turns her into a real bully. That's it's not only when she gets triggered. She can do provocations because of insecurity, trying to take men out of their balance, just to proove herself that they are somewhat like her father. Or, after a trigger, she may lash out for days based on a self-feeding relentless anger.

The problem is that she never understands that this is entirely her issue. She truly believes that all of her partners deserved it. Unable to recognize how toxic she is, she instead thinks "the relationships" were toxic, always blaming them and rarely herself. After beating her husband for the first time, she asked him if their relationship became toxic, even though he had not retaliated anything.

What's the prognostic of this case? Is there any treatment that can change this pattern, or is it a lost case since she can't see herself as the source of her problems? Would it be the case of EMDR, DBT, or something else? In case this is curable, what would be a realistic timeline for recovery (stop being a bully)?

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[Notwendy]

[quote author=SuperDaddy link=topic=3061474.msg13232237#msg13232237 date=1766806346

The problem is that she never understands that this is entirely her issue. She truly believes that all of her partners deserved it.

What's the prognostic of this case? Is there any treatment that can change this pattern, or is it a lost case since she can't see herself as the source of her problems? Would it be the case of EMDR, DBT, or something else? In case this is curable, what would be a realistic timeline for recovery (stop being a bully)?
[/quote]

EMDR is known to be effective for past trauma. However, for any therapy to be effective, the person has to be motivated to work with the therapist and to recognize it's their own trauma. I don't know of any way to "make" someone see their own trauma- and dissociating from it is one way a person coped with this as a child and still as an adult.

EMDR also requires some preparation between therapist and client. They wouldn't want to have the client recall a trauma without already working with them to develop ways to cope. But from what I know, (and this is a lay board- so we only know our own experiences with pwBPD) it's necessary that the client is motivated to work on their own trauma for this.

[mitochondrium]

Hello,

I agree with Notwendy, for therapy treatment to have any effect the person must have at least some insight in their problems.
With my boyfriend eith traits of bpd I found that antidepressants helped him to be more in controll of his emotions = less dysregulation. However this bully kind of talk did not go away completley, it is the way he talks to some extent (not only to me). I think what helped the most were my boundaries, bully talk escalates way less often than it used to. It took around 2-3 years of my consistency with setting this boundaries. I called him out when it was too much, said that I will not talk to him when he is accusing me so much etc. and also a lot if explaining when he was regulated or when he was not totally dysregulated but could grasp that I am really angry and that I will not tolerate this for real. There was a lot of fighting back, wanting to be entiteled to this kind of behaviour, accusing me to causing this behaviour, wanting me to controll his feelings etc., which still happens sometimes, but way less often. It is hard to endure the massive pushbacks we experienc from people with bpd, but it is the only way to more bearable life.