Difficult turn in a 6 year relationship

[DesertDreamer]

Hi all,
this is just my second post, but over the years I've gotten a lot of comfort and solidarity just from reading y'alls. I'm hoping today to just air out my conflicted thoughts, and get a little validation/commiseration.

My partner has BP tendencies, and I'd say it seems like a quiet BPD (my brother has a more explosive type, so this has given me a point of comparison). I guess I judge myself because I feel like I should be able to handle this "easier" form of BP tendencies, but after 6 years together and 4 married, there continues to be an intensity and difficulty to our relationship that I can't seem to manage. It reminds me of being able to hear a distant waterfall when I'm on a hike - in the background, there's a dim roar reminding me constantly of a force that could easily overpower me.

Lately I feel extremely distraught. We're having more explosive moments, and it's gotten to the point where she's called me abusive and said that I need fix myself in therapy. While I agree that therapy would be great for me, our relationship looks to have come to a turn that many here have talked about - I'm starting to believe that I'm the sick one. My self esteem is tanking, as I can see that I'm mishandling the difficult moments and not doing anyone any good. But I'm simply tired, simply so worn down by the years of difficulty. I don't want to dig and dig and solve and acquiesce. I don't want to take it on the chin. I find myself walling off for protection, and I feel guilty about this all the time. I married her and promised to myself that I would always see her as this precious being, and it feels worse than I could ever imagine to find myself walling off.

After an argument and breakdown last night, I eventually got up around 11 AM. I went to the kitchen and turned on the radio, where some woman was saying "I wake up in the morning, and I feel in myself, all is well." How I long for that feeling.

[Pook075]

Lately I feel extremely distraught. We're having more explosive moments, and it's gotten to the point where she's called me abusive and said that I need fix myself in therapy. While I agree that therapy would be great for me, our relationship looks to have come to a turn that many here have talked about - I'm starting to believe that I'm the sick one. My self esteem is tanking, as I can see that I'm mishandling the difficult moments and not doing anyone any good. But I'm simply tired, simply so worn down by the years of difficulty. I don't want to dig and dig and solve and acquiesce. I don't want to take it on the chin. I find myself walling off for protection, and I feel guilty about this all the time. I married her and promised to myself that I would always see her as this precious being, and it feels worse than I could ever imagine to find myself walling off.

Hi Desert and welcome back!  I'm so sorry you're struggling and I'm glad this forum has provided some solace.

First, about quiet and traditional BPD- they're the exact same.  I was married to one type, our daughter was the other type, and they appeared completely different.  Yet they were exactly the same- one exploded, the other hid in shame.  Everything else was identical and when things got tough, the quiet BPD exploded as well.

Now, for your situation.  My ex-wife (quiet BPD) called me abusive as well.  I was not abusive, and it's easy for me to say that today.  But in the moment, I wasn't so sure.  Why?  Because there was so much drama in my home, so much dysfunction and toxic energy, that none of us were at our best.  In a nutshell, I was mentally ill from constantly being on edge and stressed out.

Like you, I backed off and let my wife/kid do whatever they wanted.  My morals and boundaries went out the window, I stopped standing up for things that mattered.  In short, I just gave up and it broke me internally.  I was a mere shell of the man I used to be.

What changed?  I placed my mental health first.  I stopped settling.  I stopped letting people walk over me.  I made healthy boundaries, I stopped arguing, and most importantly I stopped enabling.

Your wife may be mentally ill, we don't know.  For now though, you need to prioritize your own mental health and stop being caught at the center of your wife's drama.  Walk away if necessary and refuse to get drawn into yet another circular argument.  Set clear boundaries- you'll talk about x, y, and z, but other stuff is off the table.  You won't yell or be yelled at.  You won't blame either.  These are steps to get you back on the right track mentally.

That feels like a good start, but please feel free to ask away with questions as we wait for others to chime in.

[PeteWitsend]

I wonder how often when we hear a person has "quiet BPD" the reality is it's just regular BPD, but the non-disordered partner has simply given up or allows way more than is healthy & if they exercised any sort of reasonable boundaries and started asserting themselves, they'd find that their "quiet BPD" significant other actually has quite "loud BPD."

[Rowdy]

I wonder how often when we hear a person has "quiet BPD" the reality is it's just regular BPD, but the non-disordered partner has simply given up or allows way more than is healthy & if they exercised any sort of reasonable boundaries and started asserting themselves, they'd find that their "quiet BPD" significant other actually has quite "loud BPD."

How are we defining quiet bpd?
I think it was a video by dr Ramani that I watched recently that explained many people get this concept of ‘quiet’ or ‘covert’ borderline a bit mixed up. Quiet and covert bpd being the same thing, she explained that far from meaning a person with covert bpd are less aggressive, not as loud or reactive, it simply means they are a borderline that hasn’t been discovered yet, as in ‘covert’ or under cover (something along those lines, I know it sounds like it amounts to the same thing but the way it was explained made more sense)

I think a lot of people get the idea from the fact bpd is a spectrum, and everyone is unique so each individuals behaviour traits vary. Those on the lower end of the spectrum are therefore mistaken as a quiet borderline, because their traits don’t scream and shout about their personality disorder.

[PeteWitsend]

How are we defining quiet bpd?
I think it was a video by dr Ramani that I watched recently that explained many people get this concept of ‘quiet’ or ‘covert’ borderline a bit mixed up. Quiet and covert bpd being the same thing, she explained that far from meaning a person with covert bpd are less aggressive, not as loud or reactive, it simply means they are a borderline that hasn’t been discovered yet, as in ‘covert’ or under cover (something along those lines, I know it sounds like it amounts to the same thing but the way it was explained made more sense)

I think a lot of people get the idea from the fact bpd is a spectrum, and everyone is unique so each individuals behaviour traits vary. Those on the lower end of the spectrum are therefore mistaken as a quiet borderline, because their traits don’t scream and shout about their personality disorder.

I got divorced approximately 2 & 1/2 years after I discovered BPD.  People online suggested it after I shared details of my then-wife's behavior.  I remember going back and reading that thread a few years later and being surprised by how I defended my then-wife, as a "good mom" with just a couple problems I hoped we could eventually work through.  I was largely blind to how awful things were, and how abnormal & emotionally and verbally abusive her behavior was. 

For whatever reason, some of us have a blind spot sometimes to this sort of thing.  Maybe it's weak boundaries, maybe it's a need to please others, maybe it's undue optimism or some combination of those or other traits that causes us to want to see the best in our partners or family members. 

[Rowdy]

Same here Pete. Never knew what BPD was, but after people online suggesting she was a narcissist I stumbled upon it and realised the bpd traits fitted my wife’s behaviour more. I guess this fits the description of quiet or covert better in regards to what Dr Ramani was talking about.

Your last paragraph is probably true in most cases for a partner of pwBPD to feel like that. Especially the last part, of course we all want to see the best in our partners and family. I think if we are honest with ourselves many of us probably had friends and family that will have seen their behaviour for what it was and warned us, or told us they could see it after we had been discarded.