Lately I feel extremely distraught. We're having more explosive moments, and it's gotten to the point where she's called me abusive and said that I need fix myself in therapy. While I agree that therapy would be great for me, our relationship looks to have come to a turn that many here have talked about - I'm starting to believe that I'm the sick one. My self esteem is tanking, as I can see that I'm mishandling the difficult moments and not doing anyone any good. But I'm simply tired, simply so worn down by the years of difficulty. I don't want to dig and dig and solve and acquiesce. I don't want to take it on the chin. I find myself walling off for protection, and I feel guilty about this all the time. I married her and promised to myself that I would always see her as this precious being, and it feels worse than I could ever imagine to find myself walling off.
Hi Desert and welcome back! I'm so sorry you're struggling and I'm glad this forum has provided some solace.
First, about quiet and traditional BPD- they're the exact same. I was married to one type, our daughter was the other type, and they appeared completely different. Yet they were exactly the same- one exploded, the other hid in shame. Everything else was identical and when things got tough, the quiet BPD exploded as well.
Now, for your situation. My ex-wife (quiet BPD) called me abusive as well. I was not abusive, and it's easy for me to say that today. But in the moment, I wasn't so sure. Why? Because there was so much drama in my home, so much dysfunction and toxic energy, that none of us were at our best. In a nutshell, I was mentally ill from constantly being on edge and stressed out.
Like you, I backed off and let my wife/kid do whatever they wanted. My morals and boundaries went out the window, I stopped standing up for things that mattered. In short, I just gave up and it broke me internally. I was a mere shell of the man I used to be.
What changed? I placed my mental health first. I stopped settling. I stopped letting people walk over me. I made healthy boundaries, I stopped arguing, and most importantly I stopped enabling.
Your wife may be mentally ill, we don't know. For now though, you need to prioritize your own mental health and stop being caught at the center of your wife's drama. Walk away if necessary and refuse to get drawn into yet another circular argument. Set clear boundaries- you'll talk about x, y, and z, but other stuff is off the table. You won't yell or be yelled at. You won't blame either. These are steps to get you back on the right track mentally.
That feels like a good start, but please feel free to ask away with questions as we wait for others to chime in.
