Communication with someone who refuses to communicate with you

[dtkm]

Due to events of the past, my uBPDh currently does not live with 4 (2 my kids, his stepkids and 2 our kids) of his kids and I. The kids and I live in our marital home that is owned equally by both myself and my H and my H lives about 15 minutes away in one of our rental properties. At the start of this, we agreed that he would stay the nights Monday through Thursday to help with getting the kids to school, etc when I am working and it would be good for us to slowly start back on the right track. I told him at the time, that he was welcome whenever, but that I did think that it was good for him to have his own space to go to when needed. My uBPDh is currently in weekly DV therapy and weekly DBT therapy. This plan started out working great, he was able to hold it together Monday evening to Thursday morning, at which point he would usually split on me and the 2 older kids, but it was fine because he would go back to his place and things would be ok again on the following Monday. During this time, I told him to treat the house like it was ours, which worked as he would get groceries and paid his portion of things. Then he had a major split and wouldn’t respond to me, I last minute had to scramble to get help with the kids, he cut his contribution to the household in half and could not even bare to go to our house, ringing the doorbell when he did. This state of his has continued for a bit, which rate break through of “wonderful times”. While it is kind of hell for me and the kids, we have learned to just ignore and continue on with a good life, he will reach out when his mood changes, it’s not worth it to bother him when he is not reaching out as the past proves it’s because he has split. While our communication skills were not top notch when he lived with us, they have really gone down hill and this is where I didn’t know if anyone had any suggestions. I usually start out with my usual communication (good night, I love you, hope you had a good day, etc), if he ignores me then I leave it alone and go to only communicating about the kids. But when that turns to a one way conversation, no replies from him, what do I do?  He has gotten to making his own plans and just expecting all to go with it. Ie. The kids are in winter break and I have to work today. The big kids are at home watching the little kids. He text me last night, after not responding to a single text for almost a week asking what the kids were doing while I was at work. I responded then got nothing in response. He then texts my daughter and I this morning to say he is coming over in 30 minutes and asking what they want for lunch. That’s great, but it would have been nice if he could have communicated that last night. And other times he picks our daughter up on a day that he knows a babysitter is supposed to without telling anyone. One day he will ring the doorbell to come in and the next he will just walk in the house. I feel like I never know what the next day will bring!  Any suggestions on how to communicate with someone who is refusing to communicate with you would be appreciated!

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