Please help

[In4thewin]

I'm very sad and confused about what I should do and not do when it comes to mitigating issues and helping m dBPD daughter right now and moving forward. Her recent news about being pregnant has thrown me through a loop and made her need to seek help so much more urgent, but I know I can't control that. At this point I'm grappling with how to maintain physical boundaries that are necessary due to her volatile behavior while also remaining accessible and appropriately supportive. She wants me to just "be happy for her" but I don't feel happiness. What I feel is afraid and helpless with a smidgon of hope that hangs on a thread. My friend who's a nurse and professes to understand BPD thinks that I should be going NC to the point of blocking my daughter from even contacting me, but this just doesn't set right in my heart or mind. She's only 19, is legitimately in a lot of pain, and it seems cruel and downright dangerous...... but apparently that makes me codependent? Please help. I wan't to support her and be a part of my grandchild's life, but not with the tradeoff of continuing to tolerate abuse or becoming an enabler. I don't believe the pregnancy was any accident but does that even matter. Does it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Inforthewin
I have read your first post about the pregnancy and have been trying to find a moment to pen a reply. Your post brought back a clear recollection of the moment my DD announced that she was pregnant. I felt spaced out and totally whacked – so I am sure my response was well short of enthusiastic. I too was sure it was not accidental – and my DD was 19.
Now gd is nearly 16! It is a rollercoaster ride that’s for sure.

I am not sure your friend fully understands BPD – because I don’t think she would give advice of this scale if that were the case. Going NC is a huge step – one that is an option for sure – but it is such a huge thing to do, I don’t think anyone can advise another person to take that step. The person themselves would need to come to that conclusion and from what you say, it is not what your heart or head is telling you to do at this point in time. You need to follow that message I believe.

I also don’t think it matters whether the pregnancy was planned or not. It is there now, and all the reasons why it would be better if it had not happened are not going to change that. This is now the situation.

First of all give yourself time to adjust to this. It is HUGE – and you are no doubt thinking of all the possible consequences and different eventualities. I found myself sort of feeling sick, while DD was basking in all the attention a pregnancy brings.

We use words like ‘co-dependence’ often without a proper definition, or reference to a huge range of different circumstances. Being prepared to walk beside your DD does not mean that you are automatically ‘co-dependent’. It can simply mean you love your DD and want to be able to be part of her life and the life of your grandchild.

That’s the first thing – follow your own heart and mind (wherever it may lead you because that’s the only way forward).

The next thing – can you be happy about it? This is what your DD wants, but gosh I am sure it is hard to get the happy vibe going when you can see all the possibilities and problems ahead. I have to admit I found it very difficult but after getting over the shock and taking time to adjust I changed my thought pattern to focusing on the child. That made it easier because every child needs to be carried in an atmosphere that is happy, relaxed and healthy – and your grandchild is no exception.

All that said, there is still the fact that your DD has a very serious condition – one that is not only challenging for her but all those around her and especially whoever is the target of blame. And DD is only 19 so be ready for the long haul.

From what you say, the father of the child is very stable and has stable support – this is another reason to be happy because that side of things could be so different.

Do you feel you can express a positive feeling to your DD? I think if you can do that, the next thing is look at what happens then? I am wondering whether DD intends to move in with the father, stay at the apartment that you are financing or . . .

I think I would be quickly making the positive vibe move and then keeping an open communication to find out what DD is thinking in relation to the living arrangement. Perhaps you know this already.

Re the abuse etc. In my opinion it’s good to take one step at a time, I would see how all this settles and then perhaps you could post some actual examples of how things are and we can look at options for addressing those issues.

Keep in mind that all this is my opinion. I believe strongly that each person’s situation and relationship is unique and you are the one who knows your DD.  It is great to come here where people know the lived experience of BPD and can give us their personal experience. All options are on the table – follow your heart and mind, and  believe in your own ability to find a way forward.                             

[js friend]

Hi Infortewin,


My udd had her first child at 19yo and I remember feeling very sadden for my unborn gc as udd had shown only shown up to that point that she could barely look after herself, yet udd wanted a fanfare  and was disappointed that we (her family)werent happy or excited by this news. I remember it being a weird time as dd didnt want my support and only wanted to do anything baby related in secret and only had time for her b/f and friends.


I think your friend means well and as an outsiders view I would probably have said the same but see LC as a good option.
I think the fear that you are feeling comes from FOG (fear. obligation, Guilt) Once the FOG is out of the way we can often  see the situation for what it really is. I often compare now how udd treated me to if she was a friend and whether I would put up with it, and often the answer is NO i wouldnt, but because she is my udd I allowed her to get away with it.

After finding out my udd was pregnant I invited her to come for dinner once a week as she was not living at home at the time. I fed her and I gave her toiletries and some groceries. I kept it all short and sweet because it was all I could mentally manage at the time, and udd behaved suprisingly well and made an effort to be there on time which is something she never did when she lived at home.

If there are any threats of possible violence however I dont think any face to face interaction alone with my udd would have been possible and I wouldnt have gone down that route. Another thing to remember is that your udd's hormones maybe all over the place too so not to take what she says seriously. It is not an excuse but a consideration when going NC. I think this decision has to be a personal one.

I know that you probably feeling obligated  as her mother but boundaries are important at whatever age and you are allowed to take a step back to look after your own mental health without feeling guilty. My udd was 19yo when she had first gc. She has had 2 more and even though we are now estranged I always think that there will be hopefully time enough to reconnect under better circumstances, so dont give up hope or think that it must be now or never.

I think if you do manage to speak to your dd it will be better to focus her and her pregnancy even if she tries to draw you into a conversation about her r/s. By jumping in I think it will backfire somewhere down the line and you will be blamed.

I think you have to do what is right for you at this stage.

[CC43]

Hi Win,

I understand you're stressed out worrying about your dysregulated daughter, and now about her bringing a life into this world when she doesn't seem able to care for herself very well, while she's acting abusively towards you, her biggest ally on the planet.  If your nurse friend is suggesting no contact, I bet that's because they see how desperate the situation really is, and they're trying to be supportive by placing your interests first and foremost.  As a mom, you're probably accustomed to placing your daughter's interests first, and now you have to think about a grandchild on top of that; your natural inclination is to put yourself last.  It sounds to me like you have a good friend who's concerned about you, even if you decide not to follow the well-meaning advice.

To your daughter, getting pregnant might seem like a solution to all her problems:  she gets someone to love her unconditionally, she gets attention, and maybe she avoids figuring out how to support herself, because she assumes others will step up.  With her black-and-white thinking, being pregnant feels all white right now.  Maybe she genuinely wants to be a mom.  But since she's 19, she probably underestimates how difficult it is, yet she doesn't care--she wants all the joy and attention and none of the burden at the moment.  It's no surprise that she's upset when you don't seem to be over the moon--she was probably expecting attention, adoration, a shower with lots of presents, and an upgraded living situation.

I haven't been in your situation, though from time to time I've feared that my adult stepdaughter with BPD might try to get pregnant.  She can't support herself independently right now, and she abandoned a beloved pet for months--I think she couldn't possibly take care of a child in her current situation.  She can function a few months at a time, but then she tends to have meltdowns and need extensive support (plus long "vacations" from real life) to get herself back on track.  Adding a baby to this situation would only complicate matters by an order of magnitude.

I understand that going no contact seems extreme, especially for someone so young.  If you are often reeling from how poorly your daughter treats you, there might be a middle ground of low contact.  One way to do this would be to reach out on a schedule--say, once or twice a week--at a time and in a manner that is least disruptive to you.  Maybe it's a coffee together, a call on your way to work, or a facetime when you're on a walk.  You could adopt the stance that you're emotionally supportive, but you don't provide a monthly stipend or housing, because you're both adults now and live your own lives.  You have your own budget and living arrangements, just like your daughter has her own budget and living arrangements.  How does that sound?

[In4thewin]

I decided to go low contact out of necessity. Tonight I sent her an email and I described my concerns in a very non confrontational way. I told her I loved her, validated that I know she needs me etc. I described how painful it's been to continually be verbally abused and I also expressed that I was hoping she'd get into a DBT program and do the work this time. Shortly thereafter, I was sent a long text spam packed with nothing but vile things about how she wishes me dead and calling me outrageous profanities. She did exactly what I described to her as being a major problem that needed to change. I really have no choice but to let the dust settle and not attempt to engage with her again until she reaches back out and acts like nothing has happened. At this point she's moved out of her apartment and in with the bf. I gave her a decent car, I'm paying for her cosmetology program, and I send her $120 a week. I'm not cutting that off but I also will not increase it or participate in any planning for the baby unless she and her bf get around to approaching me about this pregnancy together, and collectively state their intention to have the baby and coparent in his home. Is that too much to expect? They were already gearing up to formally move her in before the pregnancy happened, but honestly, I didn't see any signs that he was "in love" with my daughter, and I know that she was the one who pushed the relationship. It's what she does. I have no idea how he really even feels about her or what expectations if any he has when it comes to her or anyone else bringing additional money into the household now that a baby is on the way or when it arrives. Aren't these things that anyone in my position would want to know and expect would be "transparent"? Or am I overstepping?