How do I l actually leave/distance myself

[lisaea1523]

First time posting to this group/topic- I have posted in the bettering relationship post a couple times- I feel this group is more appropriate for this new development in my 2 year relationship. I live with a male borderline and we just had a baby girl 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who live with us full time from my previous relationship (age 5 & 8). Our baby is his first child. The relationship has reached a point where it has become intolerable for myself and my children. He isolates himself to our bedroom and I'm forced to isolate myself to the living room and sleep on the couch most nights. The bedroom is pretty much inaccessible because he's sleeping early for work. He fights with me almost daily and forces the kids to hear his rants. He is talking to other women online on dating websites and lists himself as single. He calls my children little assholes, tells them they eat too much, comments on all of their behaviors. He can't tolerate any affection between myself and my children he tells them to stop touching me or get away from me "you're not a baby". He won't allow me to spend any quality time with my children without anger and outbursts. They are so anxious they constantly ask me if he is home or not. He does not know how to parent them and while he tries he says inappropriate things and especially targets my 5 yr old whom he hates. She is the "BAD" one. He rejects me and gives me the silent treatment. He has been verbally abusive to me at times. He refuses to contribute financially in anyway and then complains that there isn't good dinner or foods he likes.

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

[PeteWitsend]

... Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

First of all... this is a terrible situation, especially for your kids, and unfortunately there's probably not an easy solution. 

This might not be something it's possible to resolve anytime soon, barring an absolute meltdown by your partner that would land him in jail, or otherwise allow a judge to issue a protective order against him.

Consider breaking this into smaller steps. 

As far as getting him out of the house, if both your names are on the lease, that's not likely to happen without a legal reason (like him getting arrested for something).  He has a legal right to be there, period.  It might take a formal eviction notice being filed against him, which would take time to be resolved in court (and that amount of time would vary depending on where you live). 

If you have a decent person for a landlord, perhaps you could explain the situation to them and see if they could let you out of the lease so you could move elsewhere.  But if not, that could become problematic. 

You need to see an attorney for some legal advice.  Can you get a referral for one in your area?  You could perhaps pay for an hour consultation to get some advice on your options up front, without having to resort to a full representation (and the $5K+ retainer you'd have to put up for that). 

There also might be legal aid organizations in your area that could help you for free or refer you to someone who can help. 

You need to come up with a discreet way to document and record his abusive conduct.  Voice recorder maybe? Or hit the voice memo function on your phone whenever you're with him?  Practice doing this so it becomes easy and habitual.  Almost needless to say, emphasis on the word "discreet": when pwBPD realize they're being recorded, it escalates the problem. 

Until you can get a resolution, don't make or allow any further changes that further tie you and your children to him.  And if he pushes, you need to avoid making a decision; maybe come up with excuses if you can't find it in yourself to openly confront him. 

[Pook075]

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and while I can't relate completely (my BPD wife abruptly left me), I have been through this many times with my BPD daughter.

You are responsible for you and the kids.  He is currently in the way of that and you're living in a nightmare.  He is also responsible for himself, the kids, etc but he's not taking that responsibility seriously.  The only conclusion is that he must leave.

You mentioned that you don't want to break up.  Fine.  But that's not the point here and it's not something you should be arguing over.  You are responsible for you and the kids.  He stands in the way of that and he must leave.  If he feels the relationship is over because you're throwing him out, that's his decision and he's allowed to make it.  That can't change your viewpoints though because you're responsible for three kids that he's becoming increasingly hostile towards.

I know this isn't easy advice to hear.  But I think it's the advice that you know in your heart is true and you want to hear others say it.  So that's what I'm doing- there are zero other options here.  You are responsible for you and the kids.  He must leave.

So let's roleplay this out.  I'm your husband.

You tell me to leave.  I say I will eventually.  How do you reply?

Whatever you say, I use my disordered thinking to spin this back at you.  You've never loved me, you're ruining everything, you only care about the kids, etc.  What do you say to that?

Here's where these arguments always spin out of control.  He's going to fight emotionally while you're just trying to say the obvious- he can't be there anymore.  The kids are scared and you're beyond frustrated.  So if this is the path the conversation goes, you dial 9-1-1 and say your children don't feel safe with him in the house.

The police will arrive and ask him to leave.  He probably will, and the relationship will be all but over.  He will be furious as well.  But at least this starts a paper trail and he realizes that you're not playing.  Maybe he leaves you...which is fine at this point because that's the whole goal here.  Just to get him to physically leave.  If you want to try to salvage things later, that's still on the table.

Again, I know this is ugly.  I hate writing it just as much as you hate reading it.  But I'll say it one more time, you're responsible for you and the three kids.  Something must change and you're the only one who can change it.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi lisaea1523 ,

Yes, at this point, I'm afraid that living together will just make things worse. You both need to have your time and space. The behaviors you described are way too far from acceptable. You need to bring peace for yourself and for the kids. After you split and go for shared custody, maybe he can be a good father, if he wants, but not in the current setting with you around.

All advice given by PeteWitsend is pretty good. However, I think things are not so difficult.

You are in the best situation you could be: you are living in a rented house. That makes things much easier. If the rental agreement is a month-to-month payment contract, you can end the lease unilaterally with 30-day notice. Then everyone will be forced out, and then you'll move to another place. In case he wants to assume the lease by himself, and he notifies the landlord about that, then it's fine. Good luck to him with that.

For the kids, it will be shared custody. If you think he could get aggressive with your decision, then try to install some security cameras in your place before you start, or at least use your cell phone in your pocket to record the conversations. Because you may have to use them later.

Hopefully, you won't need any lawyer or help with domestic violence. If you both still love each other, then there is a chance that you may reach an agreement. But in any case you must be prepared for the worst.

For all the legal advice, if you are lost, you can chat with artificial intelligence first, such as ChatGPT, just to get some clarity. You'll be surprised with their knowledge. That won't replace a lawyer in any way, and you must double-check any statement that's critical for your decision, but it will save you a lot of time anyway.

I'm in a similar situation because I live in a rented apartment, and I was moving out because of my wife's crazy behavior, but then she finally agreed to leave herself. If we succeed in maintaining a healthy relationship while not living together, then that could be a wake-up call for her to stop the crazy stuff and start doing DBT. The best outcome would be that I could bring her back after many months or a few years. But I'm prepared for the worst, which in my case would be the end of the relationship and the deterioration of her mental health due to her own choices. I think that being prepared for the worst is a healthy mentality.

You may also consider the possibility of moving out to a flat/hotel that you can just pay per use. I mean paying per day or per month, without the need to sign a long-term contract. Meanwhile, he would have time to decide whether to assume the lease by himself or leave the house. But don't tell him you are going to a temporary place because then he will just wait for you to return.