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Author Topic: New here, a bit long post about my mother.  (Read 340 times)
pppax
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1


« on: February 13, 2017, 10:45:28 PM »

Hello, after my visit with my therapist today I was recommended to visit this site. I am currently diagnosed with OCD and severe depression, and my therapist believes my mother has BPD from when I describe her.

Today I reached a breaking point. Her paranoia and manipulative traits caused some events that stressed me out all day and I even found myself calling my father begging him to take me in. Our relationship has been codependent because of financial circumstances, but I'm trying really hard to try and get out and gain some kind of financial independence after many hospitalizations and not working for awhile. Leading up to this nervous breakdown my mother and I had several fights, while at the same time she was asking me to help her get a plan to get an apartment somewhere. During the whole inpatient/outpatient process she would express compassion one minute, the next she would ridicule me and even make fun of my anxiety attacks. This is nothing new compared to the many years of being raised by her.

Today she confided in other family members implying that I was trying keep money from her from a check I got from my auto insurance company from an accident I had years ago so she can go on vacation. The day I got the check I asked to cash it, she said she didn't want to carry around the cash. Since then she barely mentioned it once and in the stressful process of looking for a job and trying to cope with my OCD I just didn't think about it. But after years of her saying that our family members are against us and then using this 'tactic' to make it seem like I was trying to keep money from her just really set me off. Later in the day we cashed the check, I gave her the money. I broke down again later after my therapy session and she came into my room saying that I'm mad about the money, I said I wasn't, and she insisted that I was. She said that she's sorry she's awful and she doesn't deserve to go on vacation. I called my dad, and she said that getting away from her would probably be better, and I'm her only friend. I can't take it anymore. I can't even write down the whole scenario in it's fullest at this moment, I'm still just tired from the whole day.

I love my mother, she's been there for me a lot, but I can't take this anymore. I can't make her happy enough. If I don't I'm just selfish to her. She'll tell me I'm wonderful and then accuse me of trying to hurt her or that I'm only about myself. She'll be happy one day, making vague suicide threats the next. I know her life has been hard and I try to be understanding of her past trauma affecting her, but it's taxing trying to figure out what person I'm going to be talking to. Even today she said that abandoning her would be for the better, and then later saying I should come back to help her more. I'm exhausted. I live with other individuals with issues but my mother and I have had a rocky relationship forever. I love her, but I can't be around her all the time. I try to limit our time together because of this and she just sees this as me hating her. Anytime I'm upset it's 'her fault.' I am just so tired.
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Basenji
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 54


« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2017, 12:00:00 AM »

Hello, after my visit with my therapist today I was recommended to visit this site. I am currently diagnosed with OCD and severe depression, and my therapist believes my mother has BPD from when I describe her... .I love her, but I can't be around her all the time. I try to limit our time together because of this and she just sees this as me hating her. Anytime I'm upset it's 'her fault.' I am just so tired.

I'm not sure there is anything I can write to make you feel better just now, except your story is very similar to my own (and many others who share on this website).  

It got to a point in my late teens where the whole deal was just too overwhelming and inevitably the anxiety attacks and generalised sense of dread and foreboding plunged their insidious fingers deep into my being.

The good news is that if your therapist is right (and the stories you have shared certainly fit that diagnosis) you have an excellent first step in resolving how to approach the challenge of handling a borderline mom. I'm absolutely confident that you can take full control of your life! Your troubling feelings may well be connected to surviving a childhood with a BPD mom and thereby be fixable. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Once I worked out that my mom was suffering from BPD I read the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth (you can find this on Amazon in Kindle and printed copies). The contents of that book confirmed for me that I was on the right track. Reading the stories on this website showed that I was not alone! The 21-step process on the right hand side of the screen outlines an effective pathway to get things sorted out!

That said, there are some common experiences which we all share that indicate something of a reality check.

No matter if we love our mom, we still have to learn to put ourselves first in order to heal ourselves. For many that means spending time apart from their mom, whatever she may say or think.

The sad truth is that a person with BPD simply doesn't have the same e motions and feelings as a non-BPD person - everything for them is intensified. The bottom line is that it can be very hard indeed to have a trusting relationship without negative psychological and emotion impact.

When I left home, my mom went arounds telling her friends that I had stolen from her. People with BPD have very strong fear of abandonment. Similarly, she would try to undermine any relationships with my partners.

Mom plays hot and cold - nice as pie some of the time, then switches into unreasonable and emotionally manipulative mode. I have learned to see this for what it is. When manipulative there is a risk of falling under her spell and becoming enmeshed all over again and repeating a negative cycle.

The key is to recognise that the borderline mom tends to force the child into an adult role, so instead of the mom nurturing the child, the child ends up nurturing the adult. This can have a number of impacts which you can work through with your therapist and the resources on this website.

Moving out and well away from her into a situation where you have control of how much contact you want may be a crucial step. Space for you without distraction. A time for you to transcend the depression and learn to see any OC traits as simply coping mechanisms to be gently eased away. Let her go for now and tend to yourself.

Another key step is to accept she will never be a "real" mom in a "perfect" world - for many it is quite hard to accept that their own parent has anything but their own best interests at heart. I'm not saying they are necessarily bad, rather very troubled people.

Many of us have had to learned to put our interests first no matter what may be said to us or behind our backs.

Please let us know how you're getting on... .I promise that you feel much better inside yourself soon... .

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Naughty Nibbler
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2017, 12:15:50 PM »


Welcome pppax:   

I'm so sorry about what's going on with your mom.  It's easy to understand how overwhelming it must be for you.  I agree with Basenji, you need to take care of yourself first. 

You deserve to live your own life and not be a caretaker for your mom.  I hear that you love your mother, but it will help you to get healthy, if you can clear THE FOG (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT)

Have you tried setting some  BOUNDARIES?  Boundaries are for you and a way to set limits.  Your mom won't like them, so it is up to you to be consistent in applying your boundaries.

Quote from: pppax
I even found myself calling my father begging him to take me in.
It sounds like a good idea for you to move in with your father for awhile.  Is he willing to let you do that?

Check out the articles above (click on the green words, FOG and BOUNDARIES) and let us now if you can relate to FOG and perhaps make a list of some possible boundaries for you to set.



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