a new beginning i hope

[allienoah]

Hello to all out there! I am a divorcee who has been with someone for the passed 4 years that I strongly suspect has BPD. He displays almost all of the traits of BPD. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me.
He is the most loving, romantic, kind, and caring person. He loves me like I have never been loved. Unfortunately he has a personal credo that I should be "hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder" with him. And he means it. He is divorced with 4 children, 2 in college. He has visitation time and therapy time with them. When he is free, he expects me to be with him. I love him and of course want to be with him. I have 2 children 24 and 21. My 24 year old daughter lives away from home and my son is away at college. I have a great deal of free time outside of working all day! My children do not like my boyfriend as they have seen/heard him go on his rages. They feel I can do better. It is only recently that I have discovered that many of his rages were not necessarily out of anger but out of fear-fear of lost love, fear of abandonment. Unfortunately every time I tell him I would like to spend some time with my kids he looks at it as betrayal, and that I don't love him enough. In short, nothing I do for him is ever enough. My kids won't be in the same room/house with him-we don't live together. His behavior ranges from being spiteful, immature, angry and insulting. He makes me feel like no decision I make is good enough for him. He feels he should be consulted on everything. I am a smart, relatively independent woman, yet when he breaks up with me--over and over--I go into panic mode and try to smooth things over. I am desperately trying to come to grips with why he behaves this way. When his insecurity is triggered, he becomes another person/ He goes from 0 to 80 in a heartbeat, berates me and calls me a liar all the time. He feels if plans changed at the last minute, that constitutes a lie. I have learned to stop being a sponge and start mirroring but it is difficult to remain calm and steadfast under such conditions. We are now broken up and I am so very sad because I know he is working on himself. His family is in a DBT program as his daughter was a cutter. He is learning tools but I don't feel he applies them to me. it is very frustrating and I don't know what to say to him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Let me welcome you here to the  bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

My uBPDexgf didn't like me spending time with my daughter either. It placed a huge strain on both relationships as I tried to work within her dictates. At the time, I didn't know that there were healthier ways to handle the situation.

You said that you are now broken up, what happened? Maybe we can help you resolve some of the conflict.

Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[allienoah]

Thank you for your thoughts! Our breakup was ultimately a result of my children disliking him so much and hating the way he yelled and raged at me. He showed up at my house a few times unannounced during a breakup period to "talk" yet always reverted to his constant repetition that he feels I don't make him a priority. He feels if my kids don't like him, I should tell them too bad and let him come and go as he pleases. I would do that and have, yet if I tell them that he is there, they don't see me. I realize this is their choice, yet I love my kids. So if I make plans to see them-when he has his kids- or do them any favors at all, he gets very angry. I used to look at his weekends with his kids as my time to do as I please-see my friends, be alone, etc. He has taken to trying to have me with his kids more and more. His daughter had severe issues with feeling he made me more important than her and her siblings-which he did. She began cutting and now they're in DBT. She is doing much better but I feel I need to keep my distance a bit-only go for dinner perhaps, instead of staying over. I do this out of respect for the time he has with his kids. Yet I don't get the same respect. He claims my kids don't deserve respect-or me-because they haven't earned it. They refuse to budge when it comes to him. They have heard him yelling at me over the phone about having dinner with them, moving my son to college-he should've done it himself-and a million other things that reasonably happens with a mother and her children. My kids have acted disrespectfully to me in regards to him. They feel he is controlling, abusive and manipulative. For Christmas he gave me several framed pictures of us to put in my living room. He has marked his territory. We do love each other very much and hoped to move in together soon, but this situation just took its toll. I can't feel like I am in competition, or anyone is. His BP causes him to behave irrationally when he feels threatened, provoked, or abandoned. I try so hard to keep everything in balance but it always ends up the same. He wants NO RESTRICTIONS on our lives and to be my "priority 100%".
It is impossible. And I am a very loving patient person. I am so upset over this but he can't see that he is acting out of fear/ All he does is blame me for his anger.

[Meili]

I had similar experiences with my ex thinking that my daughter didn't deserve my respect, or anything else from me for that matter, and trying to drive a wedge between the two of us. Sadly, it is common for pwBPD to try to isolate their partner.

Have you read the article about Setting Boundaries? It might help your situation if you define and maintain boundaries where your children (and anything else in your life that is important to you) are concerned. The boundaries are there for your protection. You define them based on what your core beliefs are and what you are willing and unwilling to accept. They have the extra-added bonus of helping to keep things in a more calm state.

[allienoah]

I have tried to set boundaries for all of them. I have been better at adhering to them as I was never good at boundaries. Unfortunately, he comes crashing through them. At Christmas, I spent Eve with him, designated morning for my daughter, and then him again after. He was angry at me for doing a favor for my son-whom he feels didn't deserve it- and went nuts. He showed up at my house in the morning, my daughter was very upset and he acted as though nothing was wrong. He doesn't respect my boundaries unless it suits him. He wants me to set them with everyone else but him. He becomes angry and raging when I don't do things his way. He is completely black or white.

[Meili]

Yes, boundaries are hard to maintain. Sometimes it takes a lot of inner strength to face our own fears about how our partner will act when the push against our boundaries and we maintain them.

What you described sounds like what we refer to around here as an Extinction Bursts. They don't like our boundaries. They dysregulate and act out as a result. If we give in to them at that point, it just reinforces their bad behavior. We have to anticipate this and have a commitment to ourselves and our own well-being to not give in. Over time, the pwBPD will learn to stop pushing on the boundary.

[allienoah]

I found that very interesting -extinction bursts-. I feel like I have just enforced his bad behavior over and over again. It actually gave me a feeling of strength to not repeat my pattern of eventually giving in. It sounds so simple and common-sense, yet very difficult when you're in the middle of an eruption. I need to more strongly hold to my boundaries and try to get a thicker skin to his reactions.

[Meili]

So very true! It makes a lot of sense when things are calm and quiet, but when the chaos starts, if you're not prepared, it all goes haywire. The good news is that now that you know to expect it, you can start to prepare yourself for what is coming and have a plan in place to deal with it.

You can learn better ways of handling the situation by looking back on your past actions. Learn from what you have already done to recognize your own triggers. When you recognize those, you can start to stay in the present with your own thoughts and help you remain mindful of what is happening and live in the present.

By staying present, you can utilize both the logical and emotional parts of your brain to make healthier decisions about situations and how to handle them. It does take practice though, so don't get discouraged and/or beat yourself up if you still make mistakes. We all do it when we are learning.