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Author Topic: BPD Sister-in-law  (Read 1768 times)
CKDub
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« on: February 15, 2017, 11:20:05 AM »

Hi All,
I am so grateful for this board!  My family has been dealing with some very painful, stressful situations for 14 years now.  I believe my SIL has BPD, and she has caused such drama in my family.  A little background... .

Mr brother married my SIL in 2004, and they have two young children.  My SIL used to be relatively pleasant until the wedding, and then all heck broke loose.  She has targeted my Mom since then, and they have a very strained relationship.  She said horrible lies about my Mom, blames her for different ridiculous issues that she had nothing to do with, "punishes" by withdrawing and not allowing my parents to see the grandkids, involves my brother in aligning against my Mom, etc.  Anyone who knows my Mom would say she is a wonderful, sweet, kind person.  She does not deserve this ire.  My SIL almost tortures my Mom by targeting her, and my Mom breaks down whenever my SIL "attacks."  We are all "walking on eggshells" because my parents don't want to give up the relationship and not be able to see their grandkids. My dad tries to play nice, and yet, sometimes, he struggles to know when to defend Mom and when to have her stand up for herself.  My brother seems to take my SIL's side often, and I wonder if he will "catch it" from her if he doesn't?  Sometimes he seems torn... .

I have no contact with my SIL or brother, usually. 

I have read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and it was helpful.  I guess I wonder what you have found that is helpful when a BPD "attacks" your family members?  How do you know when to walk away and when to intervene?
Thank you for your input!     
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Naughty Nibbler
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2017, 08:23:59 PM »


Welcome CKDub:     

I'm sorry about what's going on with your SIL.  It seems to be a familiar story, and very similar to what others are going through. Could your brother be a bit codependent? How long did he know his wife before he got married? 

Quote from: CKDub
I have read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and it was helpful.  I guess I wonder what you have found that is helpful when a BPD "attacks" your family members?  How do you know when to walk away and when to intervene?

How is she attacking your mom or others?  Can you give some examples?

You want to be careful about how you get involved in communication triangles.  You want to do your best to stick with Caring/Winning Triangles and to not get into bad triangulation.  It could be helpful to read the information at the link below:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Probably, the best way for everyone to deal with your SIL is to keep opinions to yourself, don't argue with her, don't criticize anything and be careful of social media.

You aren't going to change her.  The only thing family members can do is to change the way they communicate with your SIL and how they react to her.   BOUNDARIES  can be important.  A person with BPD (pwBPD) generally won't honor boundaries, so they will be up to others to enforce them.

Quote from: CKDub
My brother seems to take my SIL's side often, and I wonder if he will "catch it" from her if he doesn't?  Sometimes he seems torn... .
Your brother likely does "catch it" from his wife on occasions.  Does your brother just keep quiet, after his wife lashes out against your mother, or does he ever apologize for his wife?

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Panda39
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 07:16:20 AM »

Hi CKDub,

I'd also like to welcome you to the BPD Family 

I wanted to comment on your mom being a particular target of your SIL.  Fear of Abandonment it a key component in BPD.  My guess is that your brother was particularly close to your mom and your SIL sees her as a particular threat to your brother's love and loyalty.  People with BPD often engage in Black and White thinking so in your SIL's mind your brother can only love her or your mom.  In her mind it isn't possible to understand that he could love both of them.

People with BPD seem to be expert at putting people between the rock and the hard place... .or no win situations.  Your SIL has put your brother in that place.  Damned if he defends your mom and damned if he defends his wife.  Ultimately, it will be he who has to set boundaries for himself regarding who he sees and who he allows his children to see.

I find people with BPD are often like a little kid that wants a piece of candy when it comes to boundaries.  They will ask for the candy and mom says no.  They whine and ask again and mom still says no.  Then it's on to the full on tantrum.  If mom gives in at this point the little kid learns that if they have a tantrum (or whatever your SIL threatens your brother with) they will get what they want.  If mom still doesn't give in the kid will figure out that no matter what they do mom isn't going to get them candy they eventually calm down and accept it.  Will the kid continue to ask for the candy?  You bet gotta test the boundary and see if it's still there.  Mom's job (your brother's job) be consistent with the boundary. 

Setting boundaries with someone with BPD is not easy... .the easier road... .is to avoid the conflict and the drama that setting the boundary will cause.  But if you continue to let it go you slide further and further into the dysfunctional thinking of the person with BPD. 

You might want to check out some of the other boards to get an idea of what your brother and his kids might be dealing with.  If he is open to it you might suggest to your brother that he come here too there are a lot of other people going through what he is going through.

Below are links to more information on Boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I've also included a link to information on "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) Emotional Blackmail (this is very likely part of what is going on when your brother "Catches it"

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I also want to point out the box to the right --> Each item listed there is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "LESSONS" section.

I'm so glad you found us the members here are great at sharing ideas, support, and advice.  If you are like me and you read other people's stories you'll find it amazing how similar they are.  I found that what look like absolute chaos with my SO's (significant Other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) actually began to make sense once I understood more about BPD.

Again Welcome,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
CKDub
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 04:37:54 PM »

Thank you so much for your replies, Nibbler and Panda.  I will definitely check out those links, and I have also told my Mom about this board.

My brother is pretty secretive about his relationship with his wife, and we don't talk often, so I am not sure how she treats him behind closed doors.  I can guess, though.  At different times she "worships" him as her "best friend" and at other times, degrades him and makes fun of him publicly.  He also tends to almost exclusively side with his wife whenever she "starts stuff" with my Mom.  He also acts annoyed with my Mom and tends to blame her for the "drama."  My brother is pretty self-centered as well, so I don't know if he recognizes my SIL's behavior as maladaptive or not.   

My SIL "attacks" my Mom by doing the following:
- lies about her relentlessly
- has said my Mom did/said something she never did
- accuses her of ill intent when she makes innocent mistakes (like accidentally putting the wrong card in the wrong envelope for the grandkids)
- interprets her actions as almost always negative and accuses her of selfishness
- calls her names (stupid, terrible, etc) and curses at her
- shuns my Mom and does not let the grandkids call her or her talk to the grandkids
- will send everyone else in the family a photo postcard of the grandkids but her
- shuns her on social media so she can't see pics of the grandkids
- gives Christmas presents to others but not my Mom, etc.

It hurts to see this, but I think you are right that I cannot insert myself in the fray.
Thank you for your input.
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Naughty Nibbler
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Posts: 1727



« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2017, 08:27:08 PM »

Hey CKDub:

Quote from: CKDub
My brother is pretty secretive about his relationship with his wife. . . At different times she "worships" him as her "best friend" and at other times, degrades him and makes fun of him publicly.
. . .He also acts annoyed with my Mom and tends to blame her for the "drama."  My brother is pretty self-centered as well, so I don't know if he recognizes my SIL's behavior as maladaptive or not.    

People with BPD (pwBPD) make them selves feel better by putting down other people and doing what they can to try and make them feel bad and blame them for things.  SIL might be jealous of your mother.

Could your brother be a bit narcissistic?  Sometime, pwBPD pair with a narcissist.

Quote from: CKDub
 My SIL "attacks" my Mom by doing the following:
- lies about her relentlessly
- has said my Mom did/said something she never did
- accuses her of ill intent when she makes innocent mistakes (like accidentally putting the wrong card in the wrong envelope for the grandkids)
- interprets her actions as almost always negative and accuses her of selfishness
- calls her names (stupid, terrible, etc) and curses at her
- shuns my Mom and does not let the grandkids call her or her talk to the grandkids
- will send everyone else in the family a photo postcard of the grandkids but her
- shuns her on social media so she can't see pics of the grandkids
- gives Christmas presents to others but not my Mom, etc.
I'm sorry your mom is experiencing all the abuse you mention above.  I can see how it is heartbreaking for both of you.  So much of this is hard to make sense out of.  I had a hard time figuring out what was going on with my sister.  The articles at the two links below might be helpful to read.

Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Why BPD Relationships are So Complicated

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