Hard time with my emotions. Feeling lost, scared, hurt.

[PainLovePain]

Hi everyone — I’m new here and honestly pretty overwhelmed.

I’ve been in a long-term marriage that has had a lot of intense ups and downs over the past several years. When things between us are good, they are truly wonderful. But when conflict happens, it can escalate quickly and leave me feeling emotionally exhausted and on edge.

Recently things reached a crisis point, and we are currently separated with no contact for the time being. Since then I’ve been trying to understand the patterns in our relationship, and my counselor suggested that my wife may have traits consistent with BPD. I know that’s not something to diagnose from the outside, but a lot of what I’m reading is resonating.

What I’m struggling with most right now is the emotional whiplash — part of me deeply misses her and the good in our relationship, and part of me feels completely worn down and unsure whether the dynamic is sustainable long-term.

I care about her very much and genuinely hope she gets the support she needs. At the same time, I’m trying to listen to my own nervous system, which has been pretty overwhelmed for a while.

If anyone here has been in a similar place — especially navigating separation while still caring deeply — I would really appreciate hearing what helped you find clarity and stability.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain, and welcome to the family.

Can you elaborate more on what you are going through?
Do you feel like you are in a push-pull dynamic?
Does she say things that take you out of balance and make you very angry or defensive?
Do you feel like you have to hold yourself while she lashes out?
Are you unable to get a discussion settled?

I'm in a similar situation. I'm living apart from my wife, and this relationship isn't working for me, but I can't stray away because I deeply care for her. I do talk to her every day, and in the beginning of the living-apart experience, there were resentments on both sides, so she would snap at me a lot by text whenever I expressed negative emotions. However, after I left behind my resentments and expressed full love and acceptance of her, things went smoothly. We have reached a point in which there is no more conflict. Except if I allow her to come for two nights, but that's taking too much risk.

I hope you find out how to do the same.

[PainLovePain]

It's been a very miserable 2.5 years.  It was always a mess of trying to figure out her emotions, sooth her, proclaim my love amongst the cheating accusations.  But over the past couple years, it has gotten completely out of hand.  The frequency of her splits grew ever more close, and revolved around the same topics.  Some would end with her threatenting suicide.  Some would end in massive sobbing apologies.  All were extremely difficult.  All followed amazing sex and closeness.

On Feb 12th, after nearly daily fights, she was in a love bombing phase.  I asked a very basic question about Valentine's Day plans, and this set her off.  She flipped.  By this point, I was done with the constant verbal and (sometimes) physical abuse.  I told her I can't do this anymore.  She screamed "fine you want an f'ing divorce you can have these."  She threw her rings at me and then slouched into the couch and said, "were am I supposed to go."  I told her that this was no longer my problem.  I'll withhold the details, but this resulted in me running out of the house, calling 911, police cars and helicopters, and a 5150 hold for her.  I went the next day to get a temporary restraining order. 

Over the following three days, she apologized profusely, said she's going to change, got on depression meds, said she's thinking clearly now and ready to be a wonderful wife to me, etc. etc.  I know that is just panic talk from her, but I've started to feel really bad for her.  I don't honestly think she's capable of living on her own, and her friends will get sick of her staying with them eventually.  Also, man I really really love her.  We've been together for 13 years, and we have had some amazing times.  We built plans.  We dreamed.  We had a life.  I hate the fact that everyone says that the relationship is unsustainable.  I hate the fact that it IS unsustainable.  I hate the fact that my nervous system is a mess from all of the "stuff" over the years that we do for them.  But, I love her. 

I haven't told family or friends about any of this because I still hold hopes that we can get back together and I don't want them to know, but that means I have nobody other than my counselor to talk to about this.  I've literally spent days learning all about BPD, and the facts don't look good for making this liveable.  I want her to be normal.  I want the "good" her.  I miss her to death.  I haven't talked to her in a couple days now, and it's eating me up.  I just feel very alone, very sad, second guessing myself, and wavering on the "its the end" thoughts.

[SuperDaddy]

Oh PainLovePain, this was wild. In your first post, I didn't know things had gone so bad. Yes, this is really fully compatible with a BPD diagnosis. But the good news is that you are finally getting the information about her disorder.

I agree that in the long run it may be difficult for her to live with friends, unless she has a friend that is highly skilled with her disorder. But why don't you think she's capable of living on her own? Is it because she relied on you so much?

People with BPD tend to be dependent because they like to be taken care of, but once you cut the ties, they can show capabilities you never saw before. I think the best setting for them is to live by themselves, but it's better if they have close people who can support them emotionally here and there.

But I can see how the phrase "this is no longer my problem" can trigger the worst of the episodes. What works for them is the opposite. Things could have gone well if you had said something like, "I'm not sure now, but we can figure this out together," and supported her emotionally during her leave. However, she could then have done tricks to stay or just bluntly refused to leave. My wife refused to leave for a very long time, until she had no option.

Why haven't you talked to her over the last couple of days? That's not good. Are you doing this on purpose, or is she angry and silent? If you get angry at what she throws at you, just say you are not in the mood to talk, but don't say why (to avoid her feeling judged).

Antidepressants are frequently used with BPD patients, but all studies point out that they don't help with BPD symptoms at all. I think this is a mistake. Actually, the only meds that have proven to be helpful with BPD symptoms are the meds for ADHD and the opioid blockers. My wife is now on both. Today I was very sad because I was afraid she would not try the ADHD medication, but she did, and after she told me I felt so much better. I'm now full of hopes again. I don't care that we are away, as long as she is progressing.

And by the way, remember that when you said, "This is no longer my problem," you were ignoring the feelings you have for her, so you were not being honest with yourself. I hope you figure out how to undo the damage that this incident may have caused in your relationship. It's important to reconcile, but I can't recommend you just bring her back home.

[Horselover]

I very much empathize with your situation, and I can very much relate. It is incredibly difficult to love someone and want desperately to build a life with them, yet not be able to imagine a sustainable future together.

You asked about finding clarity and stability, so I will share based off my own experience. If you are planning on trying to continue the relationship, increasing stability and clarity can come about in part through figuring out exactly what you are able to handle in terms of her behaviours and what you are not going to handle anymore. You can then come up with clear boundaries for yourself so you know what to do in various situations. I know that you can't control her dysregulation, but especially now that you are separated, you do have more options for not tolerating abuse. You can hang up the phone, stop texting, leave the space etc if she yells, insults, throws things etc. If she threatens suicide, you can also calmly tell her you will call 911, rather than trying to soothe her yourself. You can also let her know that you will not proceed with the relationship unless she is seeing a therapist and/or attending a DBT group. At the same time, you can offer encouragement, warmth and support when she is behaving appropriately.

If you are able to really consistently apply your boundaries and stop focusing on "rescuing her", you are likely to find your nervous system calming down, as you will not be living in "crazy land" anymore. This can also help you to find clarity, as you will see what potential the relationship actually has when you are not living in so much chaos. I have found for myself that letting go of fear - fear of losing the relationship, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear that my partner can't cope without me, has been incredibly freeing. It is a work in progress though, as it's not that easy to just let go, and it takes time and concerted effort to change my thoughts.

A couple more suggestions. While you are living apart, take the time to work on yourself. I mean beyond the typical self-care that people always talk about, where they mean getting massages and taking a bubble bath. You can develop your spirituality if that is something you care about, exercise, read, work on becoming a stronger, happier person (fill in the blank with whatever pertains to your interests and situation). This will mean that the time spent figuring things out is not wasted in just waiting for something to happen or not. Also, I would very much encourage you to share your story with at least one trusted family member or friend who you think will be able to listen with empathy. It does not mean you can't get back together with your wife just because someone knows about what is really going on, and it could make you feel less alone if you didn't have to keep this a secret from everyone.

None of what I am saying is a perfect solution, as there is no perfect solution that I know of, and this is very challenging no matter what you do. Also...a heads up that it takes a lot of emotional strength to apply the boundaries and not rescue when you see someone struggling so much. However, this is what I have personally found to be helpful.

[PainLovePain]

Thank you SupperDaddy.  "it's not my problem.." could have been phrased better, but its a small drop in the lake of the insults and anger that were thrown my way.  I'm not super concerned that what I said needs to be apologized for or she even remembers it.  It was calus but not as bad as maybe percieved.  Also, my main priority is not getting her back.  I only want her back if she puts in the time, the effort, and can demonstrate that lasting change is possible.  Not complete but possible.  I assume this will take years.  My problem is the pain of loss, the ache of love that has been hurt, the sadness that MAYBE she wont be in my future and the future we planned will never be.  Also, I can't speak with her or comminucate in any way and she can't come near me because I had the court issue a temporary restraining order agianst her.  She can't do any of those things or she could go to jail (even retroactively is we willing get back togeth while still in place and they find out).  Also, I could have legal ramifications if I break the order.  I got it issued because the level of danger that I felt I was under was significat enough that I felt is was necessary.  Yes, part of me regrets having it done, but maybe it's a good forced buffer so that we can heal as needed apart.  Even if it sucks and hurts. 

[PainLovePain]

Thank you Horselover.  I agree with your suggestions and am actually doing a lot of that.  I'm doing a lot of physical activities and working out.  This helps keep my head off the topic and lets my nervous system rest.  I think the definition of boundries and respect of them are critical to any potential success we may have.  Fingers crossed on that front.  I've got another two weeks until the restraining order hearing.  Until then I'm stuck with my thoughts. 

I really hope that she's able to sustain herself.  She makes a decent income, but her impulsive behaviors have put her so far in debt that her paycheck is gone mostly gone by the time she gets paid.  I sent her some money the day I got the restraining order.  I'll need to see if I can send her more without violating it. 

[Horselover]

Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself in the meantime.
Question for you to think about - why are you sending her money rather than letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions?

[PainLovePain]

Great question Horselover.  I sent her money the day that I let her come in to pick up some of her clothes.  That was a Friday, and now almost a week later, I was debating whether or not to send her some more.  Like you said "consequences", but also the provider/ protector in me is wanting to make sure she can eat, etc.  What do you think?

[Horselover]

I very much understand the impulse to send her money and why are worried about her. If you are certain she will starve to death, or feel there is a very real risk of this, obviously you should intervene in some way.

I just want to point something out. Not everyone may agree with me, but this is how I see it. When we rescue, we send a very conflicted message to the pwBPD that they can do anything to us and we will still take care of them and protect them. Which can have the opposite effect of what we want - not holding them accountable and not letting them experience the natural consequences of their actions. In my opinion, it also cheapens our own value.

I am not minimizing the fact your wife has a serious mental illness, which is horrible, and we can have empathy for her that she has to live with this significant challenge. However, she is still accountable for dealing with her issues.

Back to you, why are you "saving" someone who put you in actual physical danger? Aside from making a decision on whether or not to send her money (and I know it is not an easy decision), I would say maybe take a bit of time to think about the answer to that question.

Hope that helps!

[Mutt]

Hi PainLovePain, 

What you're feeling makes sense in light of what you've lived through. When a relationship flips between deep closeness and chaos, the end can feel like coming off a drug. That doesn't mean you made a bad choice. It points to a body and mind that have been tense for a long time. 

This wasn't a minor dispute. Police were called, there was a hold, and a restraining order. Those steps don't happen for no reason, and you didn't take them lightly. It's okay to trust the part of you that said, "I'm not safe," and then moved to protect yourself. 

Missing her doesn't change any of that. Loving her doesn't, either. Both truths can stand together.  Right now, the restraining order draws a clear line-legally and emotionally. As strange as it sounds, that distance might be the first real pause either of you has had in years. Crossing it, even to offer money or a short message, could pull you back into the same knots and may create legal trouble.

It seems wise to speak with a lawyer before taking any step that might blur that boundary.  You've already noticed this, but it's worth saying out loud: moving in to rescue her-financially or emotionally-might soothe the urge to fix, at least for a moment. But it can also reopen the very pattern that left you drained. 

You don't have to resolve everything today. The hearing is two weeks away. Aim for steadiness until then. Try to sleep. Eat on a schedule if you can. Get some fresh air or light movement. Reach out to one steady, safe person.  Clearer thinking tends to arrive when your nervous system settles, not in the middle of that raw, restless pull. 

You're not wrong for loving her. And you're not wrong for keeping yourself safe. 

Hang in there,

—Mutt

[Pook075]

If anyone here has been in a similar place — especially navigating separation while still caring deeply — I would really appreciate hearing what helped you find clarity and stability.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.

You've already received some excellent advice and I don't have much more to add, other than to say that countless other members here have been in your exact position.  Separating, even temporarily, has nothing to do with loving that other person and everything to do with what's best for you right now, today.

You've accomplished the hard part...you created some space.  Use this time to heal and get back to the person you are in this world once you're outside the drama and heartache.  That will serve you the best no matter what the eventual outcome, because you'll be in a better headspace and better prepared to make rational decisions.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain,

Yes, I understand that the restraining order does not allow communication. But I was not sure if you were following this restriction because you wrote, "I haven't talked to her in a couple days now".

Here in Brazil, the restraining orders are only given against men, and it doesn't matter if the woman keeps contacting him every day or even meeting him. If she sleeps with him, and he can prove it, he will still need a good lawyer and luck to get the restraining order dropped. Most likely it is renewed over and over, on her request, for up to a few years. And she doesn't need any proof to get the restraining order in the first place. Just her word is enough. So it's the perfect tool for parental alienation of the kids through means of false domestic violence claims.

Anyway, when you finally talk to her, I recommend you apologize for saying that it was not your problem. A normal person would not take this "with fire and sword", but for someone with BPD it's different.

In regard to money, I don't see a problem in sending small amounts of money to make sure she eats. But since she is impulsive, it's better to send food instead, or at least send very small amounts with high frequency. Hopefully you can do that without contacting her.

[PainLovePain]

Thank you all for your responses over the past couple of days.  I'm plodding along.  I am still getting hit with grief waves, an aching heart, and general sadness over her and the relationship.  Yesterday, I went out with a friend and truly had one of the most relaxing, stress free, generally enjoyable evenings I've had in years.  It was liberating, and while driving home I felt the best I've felt in years.  It was great.  Today, I'm kind of back in the dumps again but recalling the feelings from yesterday gives me hope.  I know I'm still raw and have a ton of healing to do, but now I have a glimpse into what good could feel like. 

I've decided to not send money to her.  She has a storage unit full of really nice stuff I bought her over the years.  If she gets desperate enough, she has the ability to sell things.  This has the same dollar impact of me sending money to her but also shows her that sacrifice is sometimes a result.  Also, I'm just assuming she's sad and glum and feeling the way I do with no money in her pockets.  She could be out partying it up and feeling great.  There's no way for me to know either way, and it's weak of me to make assumptions that she's hurting like I am. 

I'm going to speak to an attorney prior to the court date and explore whether or not I should modify the restraing order to allow digital communication only.  I don't think I want to shut the door 100% closed permanently.  I think maybe allowing some type of texting could help both of us, and as long as I enforce a necessity for demonstrable change to continue conversations I could be ok.  I'd love to hear opinions around this course of action...

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain ,

It's hard to give you advice on the restraining order without knowing what actually happened. And yet this is very individual. It depends on who your wife is, what she is capable of doing, and how you feel about it. The thing you felt was threatened was your life, someone else's life, your property, or something else?

[PainLovePain]

She came at me with a pistol. At the moment, I felt it was going to be suicide in front of me or a murder suicide. 

Thinking back now, she probably just wanted to threaten me that she was going to kill herself while in the heat of the moment.  Any way you slice it it was completely wrong.  None-the-less, I do not believe I am at risk of violence by her.

[SuperDaddy]

In such a case (a pistol threat), it is totally understandable that you called police. However, if the problem was sorted and she does not have access to it anymore, and you are not under threat, then what's the purpose of the restraining order? Is it because that was the only way to get her to move out? If yes, then I completely understand you.

If that's the situation, then I think it is a good idea to modify the restraining order to allow digital communication (given that your attorney grants it).

[CC43]

Hi Love and Pain,

I'm sorry you've had it so rough lately.  Your screen name itself reveals the conflicting feelings, especially during this crisis.

Look, for a restraining order to be issued, the situation had to be serious.  I think both you and your partner would benefit from a "time out" to reflect.  Typically restraining orders are temporary.  I'd say, take the time to settle your nerves, find some support and try to get re-acquainted with your "normal" self.

I'd also advise absolutely no contact with your partner.  She needs to understand the seriousness of her behavior, and the natural consequences of it.  If you try to communicate with her and/or send her money, it seems to me like you're violating the purpose of the restraining order, and you're sending conflicting messages.

Maybe reaching a crisis point isn't the worst thing, if it means your wife gets the help that she needs, and you get the separation you need to get out of the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  I know it's really hard.

[dtkm]

I’m sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I have been through something similar. In my situation, I had to call the police because of a DV incident and a mandatory restraining order was put in place. I jumped in immediately, going to the first court date to ask for a modification to digital communications. Then, I essentially, saved my H, by hiring a lawyer to help his lawyer get the best possible outcome, as what he was facing truly would have ruined his life…and our family. I moved quick to modify the restraining order, trying to modify 1 step every court date he had. While I know I did what I did in good conscience, my H has only thanked me once for essentially saving his life, and that was when his lawyer told him to thank me before he took the plea deal that I had arranged for him. There have been a handful of other times where he has said that he knows how horrible he has been to me and the kids, but that’s it!  I decided that I wanted to speak at his plea, and I wrote a letter telling him about how his actions had affected me and the kids, I had ended up rewriting the letter as my lawyer said that he thought this letter probably wouldn’t help our cause in getting him the best possible outcome, but when I gave the original letter to my H months later, he told me that I am a liar and just looking for attention!  He almost had my life in his hands and all I cared about was his well being, his future!  I saved his life and he doesn’t care! I’m still the bad guy, I’m still the one who gets the brunt of all of his outbursts.  Though I know others get it at times as well.  It almost feels like it was believed, by both my h and I, that I owed it to him., to save him!  His cycles have continued, in reality, everything has continued except the physical violence.
I don’t know what I would advise, but I would not advise to drop everything because “you feel bad for her”. A protection order was granted for a reason. I don’t know your wife, but the feeling that I get from my H is he knows he can treat me like complete **** and I will still be there saving his life, bending over backwards for him. Yes, he has a mental illness which is pretty debilitating. But, I need to realize that even though he is mentally ill, I still deserve to be treated well…and honestly well is beyond what I am even looking for now a days…I am at the level of looking for him to say thank you maybe once every 25 things that I do for him, etc!  
For me, the future of the protection order depends on a couple of things…do you have kids together? Do YOU want to communicate with her?  For us, and I was told this was standard, the judge will only modify POs with slow step changes, digital usually being the first step. Maybe try that and see how it goes, if it goes south fast, you can always turn your phone off and go back to the court with the nasty texts, etc to get that reinstated. !  After that I would advise that you only make forward progression with her when you are ready…it’s amazing how the charm comes out when it needs to!  What I would truly suggest that you do during this time is to find you again! Get out of the house, see friends, do activities you love, feel what true happiness feels like again. And if and when you do decide to let her slowly back into your life, make sure you keep your happiness, happiness comes from within and it’s nobody’s business to take that from someone else!

[dtkm]

Oh, and I agree to not send money!  Let her see the consequences of her actions.

[CC43]

I'm going to speak to an attorney prior to the court date and explore whether or not I should modify the restraing order to allow digital communication only.

Hi again,

My inclination would be not to ask for digital communication.  I think that would have the effect of minimizing, maybe even "normalizing," what your wife did.  With her emotional thinking patterns, she could take your outreach as either an admission of guilt, or a recognition that things weren't as dangerous and toxic as they really were.

Look, the pwBPD in my life attempted suicide multiple times.  Each time was more serious than the last.  Her dad, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, didn't want to have to take her to the hospital AGAIN.  Why?  She doesn't like the hospital, she thinks she's fine, she thinks that other people are to blame, and she wants to resume her "normal" life as soon as possible.  And he couldn't bear to admit that his precious daughter was not OK.  But by NOT going to the hospital, her feedback loop is:  she gets what she wants by threatening violence, the threats become "normalized" and seemingly "acceptable" to her family, and she convinces herself that her family is to blame for her outburst.  This extremely distorted thinking pattern brought on by out-of-control emotions is typical of BPD.  And since the loved ones around her are bending over backwards to "protect" her from the natural consequences of her own behaviors, she's learning the OPPOSITE of what she should be learning.  She should be learning that violence and threats of violence are verbotten.  She should be learning that her life is too precious to put it in jeopardy.  She should be learning that actions have natural consequences.  She should be learning that suicide threats and attempts need to come off the table, and stay off.  She should be learning healthier ways to manage her emotions and resolve conflicts.  She needs to learn to play fair.

But in her world, her partners/parents keep on contorting the "rules of the game."  Of course they mean well, and everything is in the name of protecting her, in the name of LOVE.  But by shielding her from natural consequences, she isn't living in the "real world," she's living in a distorted, unhealthy world where abuse of others is tolerated, maybe even incentivized.  You ask, how is she incentivized?  She might get money, attention, concessions, your begging for forgiveness.  She might get confirmation of the victim narrative she's weaving.  She might get to experience the drama she craves.  The pwBPD in my life basically got a luxury apartment all to herself, an extended vacation with no responsibilities, free time to travel and endless spending money.  Those sort of perverse incentives need to stop, if you want to have some seblance of a healthy life.

Again, I think the situation isn't necessarily the worst that could happen.  Maybe with time, the notion will start to sink in that your wife needs some therapy to work through her traumas and/or chaotic emotions.  Alas, she might need to feel uncomfortable to make that realization, because she needs to reflect and see that she has to do some work to improve her life, relationships and coping skills.  I think it can be done.  But if you enable the status quo (letting her get away with threats of violence), my guess is that she'll only up the ante in the future.  Take it from me, I had to live with an emotional terrorist in my home for YEARS.  Things do not get better without treatment, they get worse.  Your wife's behavior got her a RESTRAINING ORDER, that is serious.  Please don't try to minimize it by blaming yourself for "provoking" her, and trying to reach out to assure her it's OK, because it's not in my opinion.

Look, I think you need to be strong so that your wife gets the help she desperately needs.  Going easy on her might make you feel better, but it's not helping her, it's enabling her in my humble opinion.  If you want to feel better, I think you should focus on self-care right now.  Try to reconnect with family and friends, if you have neglected them because your wife has been needy.  I think if you do that, you might come out of the FOG and start to see things with clarity.

Just my two cents.  I wish you all the best.

[PainLovePain]

Thanks for the recent replies and suggestions!!  I am not trying  to rush through the process.  I understand the gravity of the situation and am not minimizing the gun incident.  I also have a very clear memory of what the last 13 years have consisted of, expecially the last 3 years.  The have been hell.  I am in zero rush to take her back, and know that I need time to heal and she needs time to try and get herself sorted.  I'm not yet positive if I want a divorce or not, but I do know that if she does not do any of the treatment or therapy I will ask for a divorce.  If she shows that she is getting treatment, her behaviors improve (over a period of time, not instantly) I may consider a gradual reintegration back into a normal marriage situation.   My focus right now is on me.

About the restraining order.  After a lot of thought, I do not regret getting it.  The situation that created the need for the TRO, was valid.  What she did was way beyond the realm of normal behavior and could have ended very badly for one or both of us.  I also hope its an exclamation point and catalyst for her to get help.  It also enabled both of us to get away from eachother. 

The reason why I am leaning towards digital communication is that without it and zero contact with her, how will I know if she is getting help and getting better?  I mean, we have our court date coming up and maybe she'll tell the judge what she is doing as far as treatment.  But the outcome of the court date (I think) is for the judge to transition the temporary restraining order to a more permanent one.  If it is a permanent one with no contact, how would I know if she is changing? 

[CC43]

Hi Pain and Love,

My advice for you right now regarding your wife is not to do any sort of outreach or invite contact.  In my opinion, the ball is in her court.  I think it would be best to wait and see what she does.  And the emphasis is on the word DOES, rather than pay much attention to what she says, as words are cheap.  She shouldn't accuse you of "not caring" and "not reaching out" because you are respecting the restraining order.

I think you wait until the hearing.  If she owns up to what she did, shows genuine remorse and demonstrates that she has been getting some therapy, that would be a start.  I think SHE should be the one to make a proposal, not you.  In other words, if you ask to resume contact, then it seems like you are the one who wants to get back together, not her--and she'd probably take you up on the offer because she's used to other people caring for her needs, not because she has any real intention to work on her own issues.

As for how she's doing right now, my guess is that she's fine.  My other guess is she's trying to get other people to take care of her.  I imagine that she's twisting the story and trying to convince the world (and herself) that you're at fault for the incident.  I really hope that's not the case, and that she's reflecting, feeling uncomfortable, feeling remorseful and lining up therapy appointments to get the help she needs to turn her life around.  I think the situation could go either way--either she doubles down on her victim attitude, or she takes the incident as a wake-up call.  Let her be the one who shows you how things will play out.

I'd advise patience.  Think of it as a "time out."  I often advise on these boards, do NOT interrupt the time out.  She'll come back when she's ready.  And then you'll see what she's been up to.  But most of all, she has to make the effort.  Not you.  My guess is that historically, you have been the one to try to make the relationship to work, you have been the one to put in all the effort.  But know this:  you can't "save" her, "fix" her or manage her volatile emotions.  She is the one with BPD, she threatened violence and she brought on the restraining order.  She owns the problem, but she also owns the solution.  She has to make the effort, not you.  So I think you should do nothing right now, except to focus on self care.

If she shows up to the hearing blaming you for provoking the incident, that will be very telling indeed.  I've been to one of those hearings, and the judge ruled to extend the restraining order.

If you're really concerned about your wife's welfare, my guess is that if she were in trouble, you would know, because somebody (a family member, a friend/roommate, doctor or police officer) would notify you.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain,

I respect CC43's opinion, but I'm not sure if it's the most effective one. I think it would be nearly impossible for her to seek treatment without having any minimal hope of a good future. And a good future must include good human connections with people who care for them. It's hard to invest energy in getting better when no one around shows that they care about your change and when you feel "defected" and worthless. Humans work in collaboration. We need to know that someone that's meaningful for us will appreciate our accomplishments.

On the other hand, I see that digital communication could very well go bad. Eventually, she would dysregulate, if not immediately. And you are new to the tools, so you might make a mistake that makes things worse. Anything invalidating, such as "I don't care," can really trigger her at this moment. And I bet you'll hear her repeat what you said over and over about it "not being your problem," even if your actions keep telling the contrary. She will keep telling you that you don't love her and that you are evil and unscrupulous, and you might not be ready to ignore that without trying to counteract it.

Therefore, I think the ideal solution is to have an intermediary person that will talk to both of you and make sure the conversation does not go the wrong way. This person would filter out irrelevant stuff and communicate only what is essential. Maybe it could be a lawyer or a bridge between the two lawyers from both of you. Maybe it could be a counselor in online weekly meetings.

Another idea is to use AI to be the intermediary entity. I didn't find an app for spouses under a restraining order, but there are apps for similar situations. For instance, there are many options for divorced parents who need a safe and tracked way to communicate with each other about their kids under AI moderation. Examples:

• OurFamilyWizard: It provides structured, recorded messaging and includes an AI “ToneMeter” that rewrites messages to keep them neutral and non-provocative. All communication is logged and can be reviewed by courts or professionals.
• AppClose: Secure, encrypted communication with permanent records and optional access for attorneys, mediators, or other third parties who can observe the exchanges.
• TalkingParents: Messaging, calling, and file sharing with tamper-proof records admissible in court; reduces direct contact and “he-said-she-said” disputes.
• BestInterest: AI filters incoming messages, blocks hostile language, and coaches responses to reduce escalation in high-conflict dynamics.
• Custody Companion (Apple): Uses AI to draft diplomatic messages and analyze communication patterns to keep interactions professional.

There is also an app that helps to mediate conflict:

• TheMediator.AI : Each person communicates privately with the system, and the AI summarizes positions, identifies common ground, and proposes a resolution. The parties do not directly see each other’s raw messages.

And this other app that just tries to suggest better responses before each part submits them.

• Relationship Ref – AI Mediator (App Store) : This one analyzes conversations and suggests de-escalating responses in real time, acting as a “third party in your pocket.” It still involves direct communication, but with AI filtering and guidance to reduce escalation.

Thanks for giving me this insight. I might try one of those with my BPD wife and with my BPD ex-wife. Note that we must deeply explore the app before even proposing it.

[Horselover]

Hi again,

I second the notion of not asking for digital communication and leaving the ball in your wife's court.

If there is any hope for a healthy relationship post what has happened (if you are still interested in that, once things settle and you have time to think), your wife needs to take accountability and put in the very hard work needed to change her patterns of thinking and behaviours. When you rush in to rescue her and find solutions for the messes SHE created, whether that is with money, trying to lessen the restrictions of the restraining order, or some other way, she learns that what she did was actually not that serious and you will be there for her no matter what. Which is the foundation of a very unhealthy relationship. Yes, she has a mental illness, and as I said before, we can empathize with her and support her if she puts in the work to heal, but if she is abusing you and putting your life in danger, the relationship by its very definition will be unhealthy.

Personally, I do not allow any digital communication between me and my husband, as I have found many times in the past that it spiralled out of control and made me feel like I was losing my mind. This realization came about for me one time when I was furiously responding to some insulting texts that my husband sent and I almost dropped my newborn baby. From then on, I never text, email or respond to any of these except in an emergency. And he knows the "rules" and generally does not even try to use digital communication anymore. He has reached out to me through sending physical letters  (we are currently not living together, and there are times when he can't handle talking calmly on the phone or in-person), so there are out-of-the-box ways of communicating when someone is motivated.

Sometimes, when I am unsure of how serious my husband's behaviour is and how I should respond, as it is easy to lose sight of what is "normal" when exposed to so much chaos,  I imagine someone else talking about the incident to me (ie as though my friend is telling over what happened to them). That helps me put things in perspective. So, for example if your friend told you an imaginary scenario about how their wife has been out of control for the past few years, to the point where their wife recently came at them with a pistol, and now has a restraining order against her, would you recommend digital contact? You get the point.

I can attest to the fact that it is so hard to have conflicting feelings of loving our partner and wishing we could have only the "normal" part of them without all the drama, even when they behave in abusive ways. It is also incredibly hard to have the strength to not rescue them and to focus on bettering and healing ourselves, and leave them to work on themselves if they choose to do so . But in my opinion, not saving your wife will increase the likelihood of you healing regardless of the outcome of the marriage, and of her potentially getting the help she needs as well. I have tried all the overlooking, all the validating, all the rescuing, and there comes a point where it just doesn't work...

[SuperDaddy]

I think it depends on how dangerous you consider the situation. You got some female responses, and females tend to think it is very scary. But some people would just downplay it as a childish threat. For me, given my knowledge of BPD, I think this situation is completely predictable, given the rejection sensitivity, suicidal ideation, the situation that had happened, and the firearm availability.

I would actually blame myself for having left my firearm reachable to a mentally ill person. I would probably resolve it by saying what is needed to calm her down, then getting closer, distracting her, and then suddenly taking the pistol out of her hands. That's assuming it was my current wife, whom I love. But if it were any of my ex-wives, instead I would just hide against a wall, provoke her into shooting, then escape from the environment and call the police, just to make sure she got arrested. In either case, assuming there were no kids around, I would not be scared.

I have been threatened with firearms before, by police and by drug dealers, but I always resolved it calmly. I have also been threatened with knives by different women, but since they are so much weaker, I just stepped closer and challenged them to try, and they never tried. With a firearm I would not challenge, because pulling the trigger does not require strength, but I would try to outsmart them.

Note: This is not a recommendation. It is just how I handle it.