Hard time with my emotions. Feeling lost, scared, hurt.

[PainLovePain]

Hi everyone — I’m new here and honestly pretty overwhelmed.

I’ve been in a long-term marriage that has had a lot of intense ups and downs over the past several years. When things between us are good, they are truly wonderful. But when conflict happens, it can escalate quickly and leave me feeling emotionally exhausted and on edge.

Recently things reached a crisis point, and we are currently separated with no contact for the time being. Since then I’ve been trying to understand the patterns in our relationship, and my counselor suggested that my wife may have traits consistent with BPD. I know that’s not something to diagnose from the outside, but a lot of what I’m reading is resonating.

What I’m struggling with most right now is the emotional whiplash — part of me deeply misses her and the good in our relationship, and part of me feels completely worn down and unsure whether the dynamic is sustainable long-term.

I care about her very much and genuinely hope she gets the support she needs. At the same time, I’m trying to listen to my own nervous system, which has been pretty overwhelmed for a while.

If anyone here has been in a similar place — especially navigating separation while still caring deeply — I would really appreciate hearing what helped you find clarity and stability.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain, and welcome to the family.

Can you elaborate more on what you are going through?
Do you feel like you are in a push-pull dynamic?
Does she say things that take you out of balance and make you very angry or defensive?
Do you feel like you have to hold yourself while she lashes out?
Are you unable to get a discussion settled?

I'm in a similar situation. I'm living apart from my wife, and this relationship isn't working for me, but I can't stray away because I deeply care for her. I do talk to her every day, and in the beginning of the living-apart experience, there were resentments on both sides, so she would snap at me a lot by text whenever I expressed negative emotions. However, after I left behind my resentments and expressed full love and acceptance of her, things went smoothly. We have reached a point in which there is no more conflict. Except if I allow her to come for two nights, but that's taking too much risk.

I hope you find out how to do the same.

[PainLovePain]

It's been a very miserable 2.5 years.  It was always a mess of trying to figure out her emotions, sooth her, proclaim my love amongst the cheating accusations.  But over the past couple years, it has gotten completely out of hand.  The frequency of her splits grew ever more close, and revolved around the same topics.  Some would end with her threatenting suicide.  Some would end in massive sobbing apologies.  All were extremely difficult.  All followed amazing sex and closeness.

On Feb 12th, after nearly daily fights, she was in a love bombing phase.  I asked a very basic question about Valentine's Day plans, and this set her off.  She flipped.  By this point, I was done with the constant verbal and (sometimes) physical abuse.  I told her I can't do this anymore.  She screamed "fine you want an f'ing divorce you can have these."  She threw her rings at me and then slouched into the couch and said, "were am I supposed to go."  I told her that this was no longer my problem.  I'll withhold the details, but this resulted in me running out of the house, calling 911, police cars and helicopters, and a 5150 hold for her.  I went the next day to get a temporary restraining order. 

Over the following three days, she apologized profusely, said she's going to change, got on depression meds, said she's thinking clearly now and ready to be a wonderful wife to me, etc. etc.  I know that is just panic talk from her, but I've started to feel really bad for her.  I don't honestly think she's capable of living on her own, and her friends will get sick of her staying with them eventually.  Also, man I really really love her.  We've been together for 13 years, and we have had some amazing times.  We built plans.  We dreamed.  We had a life.  I hate the fact that everyone says that the relationship is unsustainable.  I hate the fact that it IS unsustainable.  I hate the fact that my nervous system is a mess from all of the "stuff" over the years that we do for them.  But, I love her. 

I haven't told family or friends about any of this because I still hold hopes that we can get back together and I don't want them to know, but that means I have nobody other than my counselor to talk to about this.  I've literally spent days learning all about BPD, and the facts don't look good for making this liveable.  I want her to be normal.  I want the "good" her.  I miss her to death.  I haven't talked to her in a couple days now, and it's eating me up.  I just feel very alone, very sad, second guessing myself, and wavering on the "its the end" thoughts.

[SuperDaddy]

Oh PainLovePain, this was wild. In your first post, I didn't know things had gone so bad. Yes, this is really fully compatible with a BPD diagnosis. But the good news is that you are finally getting the information about her disorder.

I agree that in the long run it may be difficult for her to live with friends, unless she has a friend that is highly skilled with her disorder. But why don't you think she's capable of living on her own? Is it because she relied on you so much?

People with BPD tend to be dependent because they like to be taken care of, but once you cut the ties, they can show capabilities you never saw before. I think the best setting for them is to live by themselves, but it's better if they have close people who can support them emotionally here and there.

But I can see how the phrase "this is no longer my problem" can trigger the worst of the episodes. What works for them is the opposite. Things could have gone well if you had said something like, "I'm not sure now, but we can figure this out together," and supported her emotionally during her leave. However, she could then have done tricks to stay or just bluntly refused to leave. My wife refused to leave for a very long time, until she had no option.

Why haven't you talked to her over the last couple of days? That's not good. Are you doing this on purpose, or is she angry and silent? If you get angry at what she throws at you, just say you are not in the mood to talk, but don't say why (to avoid her feeling judged).

Antidepressants are frequently used with BPD patients, but all studies point out that they don't help with BPD symptoms at all. I think this is a mistake. Actually, the only meds that have proven to be helpful with BPD symptoms are the meds for ADHD and the opioid blockers. My wife is now on both. Today I was very sad because I was afraid she would not try the ADHD medication, but she did, and after she told me I felt so much better. I'm now full of hopes again. I don't care that we are away, as long as she is progressing.

And by the way, remember that when you said, "This is no longer my problem," you were ignoring the feelings you have for her, so you were not being honest with yourself. I hope you figure out how to undo the damage that this incident may have caused in your relationship. It's important to reconcile, but I can't recommend you just bring her back home.

[Horselover]

I very much empathize with your situation, and I can very much relate. It is incredibly difficult to love someone and want desperately to build a life with them, yet not be able to imagine a sustainable future together.

You asked about finding clarity and stability, so I will share based off my own experience. If you are planning on trying to continue the relationship, increasing stability and clarity can come about in part through figuring out exactly what you are able to handle in terms of her behaviours and what you are not going to handle anymore. You can then come up with clear boundaries for yourself so you know what to do in various situations. I know that you can't control her dysregulation, but especially now that you are separated, you do have more options for not tolerating abuse. You can hang up the phone, stop texting, leave the space etc if she yells, insults, throws things etc. If she threatens suicide, you can also calmly tell her you will call 911, rather than trying to soothe her yourself. You can also let her know that you will not proceed with the relationship unless she is seeing a therapist and/or attending a DBT group. At the same time, you can offer encouragement, warmth and support when she is behaving appropriately.

If you are able to really consistently apply your boundaries and stop focusing on "rescuing her", you are likely to find your nervous system calming down, as you will not be living in "crazy land" anymore. This can also help you to find clarity, as you will see what potential the relationship actually has when you are not living in so much chaos. I have found for myself that letting go of fear - fear of losing the relationship, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear that my partner can't cope without me, has been incredibly freeing. It is a work in progress though, as it's not that easy to just let go, and it takes time and concerted effort to change my thoughts.

A couple more suggestions. While you are living apart, take the time to work on yourself. I mean beyond the typical self-care that people always talk about, where they mean getting massages and taking a bubble bath. You can develop your spirituality if that is something you care about, exercise, read, work on becoming a stronger, happier person (fill in the blank with whatever pertains to your interests and situation). This will mean that the time spent figuring things out is not wasted in just waiting for something to happen or not. Also, I would very much encourage you to share your story with at least one trusted family member or friend who you think will be able to listen with empathy. It does not mean you can't get back together with your wife just because someone knows about what is really going on, and it could make you feel less alone if you didn't have to keep this a secret from everyone.

None of what I am saying is a perfect solution, as there is no perfect solution that I know of, and this is very challenging no matter what you do. Also...a heads up that it takes a lot of emotional strength to apply the boundaries and not rescue when you see someone struggling so much. However, this is what I have personally found to be helpful.

[PainLovePain]

Thank you SupperDaddy.  "it's not my problem.." could have been phrased better, but its a small drop in the lake of the insults and anger that were thrown my way.  I'm not super concerned that what I said needs to be apologized for or she even remembers it.  It was calus but not as bad as maybe percieved.  Also, my main priority is not getting her back.  I only want her back if she puts in the time, the effort, and can demonstrate that lasting change is possible.  Not complete but possible.  I assume this will take years.  My problem is the pain of loss, the ache of love that has been hurt, the sadness that MAYBE she wont be in my future and the future we planned will never be.  Also, I can't speak with her or comminucate in any way and she can't come near me because I had the court issue a temporary restraining order agianst her.  She can't do any of those things or she could go to jail (even retroactively is we willing get back togeth while still in place and they find out).  Also, I could have legal ramifications if I break the order.  I got it issued because the level of danger that I felt I was under was significat enough that I felt is was necessary.  Yes, part of me regrets having it done, but maybe it's a good forced buffer so that we can heal as needed apart.  Even if it sucks and hurts. 

[PainLovePain]

Thank you Horselover.  I agree with your suggestions and am actually doing a lot of that.  I'm doing a lot of physical activities and working out.  This helps keep my head off the topic and lets my nervous system rest.  I think the definition of boundries and respect of them are critical to any potential success we may have.  Fingers crossed on that front.  I've got another two weeks until the restraining order hearing.  Until then I'm stuck with my thoughts. 

I really hope that she's able to sustain herself.  She makes a decent income, but her impulsive behaviors have put her so far in debt that her paycheck is gone mostly gone by the time she gets paid.  I sent her some money the day I got the restraining order.  I'll need to see if I can send her more without violating it. 

[Horselover]

Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself in the meantime.
Question for you to think about - why are you sending her money rather than letting her experience the natural consequences of her actions?

[PainLovePain]

Great question Horselover.  I sent her money the day that I let her come in to pick up some of her clothes.  That was a Friday, and now almost a week later, I was debating whether or not to send her some more.  Like you said "consequences", but also the provider/ protector in me is wanting to make sure she can eat, etc.  What do you think?

[Horselover]

I very much understand the impulse to send her money and why are worried about her. If you are certain she will starve to death, or feel there is a very real risk of this, obviously you should intervene in some way.

I just want to point something out. Not everyone may agree with me, but this is how I see it. When we rescue, we send a very conflicted message to the pwBPD that they can do anything to us and we will still take care of them and protect them. Which can have the opposite effect of what we want - not holding them accountable and not letting them experience the natural consequences of their actions. In my opinion, it also cheapens our own value.

I am not minimizing the fact your wife has a serious mental illness, which is horrible, and we can have empathy for her that she has to live with this significant challenge. However, she is still accountable for dealing with her issues.

Back to you, why are you "saving" someone who put you in actual physical danger? Aside from making a decision on whether or not to send her money (and I know it is not an easy decision), I would say maybe take a bit of time to think about the answer to that question.

Hope that helps!

[Mutt]

Hi PainLovePain, 

What you're feeling makes sense in light of what you've lived through. When a relationship flips between deep closeness and chaos, the end can feel like coming off a drug. That doesn't mean you made a bad choice. It points to a body and mind that have been tense for a long time. 

This wasn't a minor dispute. Police were called, there was a hold, and a restraining order. Those steps don't happen for no reason, and you didn't take them lightly. It's okay to trust the part of you that said, "I'm not safe," and then moved to protect yourself. 

Missing her doesn't change any of that. Loving her doesn't, either. Both truths can stand together.  Right now, the restraining order draws a clear line-legally and emotionally. As strange as it sounds, that distance might be the first real pause either of you has had in years. Crossing it, even to offer money or a short message, could pull you back into the same knots and may create legal trouble.

It seems wise to speak with a lawyer before taking any step that might blur that boundary.  You've already noticed this, but it's worth saying out loud: moving in to rescue her-financially or emotionally-might soothe the urge to fix, at least for a moment. But it can also reopen the very pattern that left you drained. 

You don't have to resolve everything today. The hearing is two weeks away. Aim for steadiness until then. Try to sleep. Eat on a schedule if you can. Get some fresh air or light movement. Reach out to one steady, safe person.  Clearer thinking tends to arrive when your nervous system settles, not in the middle of that raw, restless pull. 

You're not wrong for loving her. And you're not wrong for keeping yourself safe. 

Hang in there,

—Mutt

[Pook075]

If anyone here has been in a similar place — especially navigating separation while still caring deeply — I would really appreciate hearing what helped you find clarity and stability.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.

You've already received some excellent advice and I don't have much more to add, other than to say that countless other members here have been in your exact position.  Separating, even temporarily, has nothing to do with loving that other person and everything to do with what's best for you right now, today.

You've accomplished the hard part...you created some space.  Use this time to heal and get back to the person you are in this world once you're outside the drama and heartache.  That will serve you the best no matter what the eventual outcome, because you'll be in a better headspace and better prepared to make rational decisions.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain,

Yes, I understand that the restraining order does not allow communication. But I was not sure if you were following this restriction because you wrote, "I haven't talked to her in a couple days now".

Here in Brazil, the restraining orders are only given against men, and it doesn't matter if the woman keeps contacting him every day or even meeting him. If she sleeps with him, and he can prove it, he will still need a good lawyer and luck to get the restraining order dropped. Most likely it is renewed over and over, on her request, for up to a few years. And she doesn't need any proof to get the restraining order in the first place. Just her word is enough. So it's the perfect tool for parental alienation of the kids through means of false domestic violence claims.

Anyway, when you finally talk to her, I recommend you apologize for saying that it was not your problem. A normal person would not take this "with fire and sword", but for someone with BPD it's different.

In regard to money, I don't see a problem in sending small amounts of money to make sure she eats. But since she is impulsive, it's better to send food instead, or at least send very small amounts with high frequency. Hopefully you can do that without contacting her.

[PainLovePain]

Thank you all for your responses over the past couple of days.  I'm plodding along.  I am still getting hit with grief waves, an aching heart, and general sadness over her and the relationship.  Yesterday, I went out with a friend and truly had one of the most relaxing, stress free, generally enjoyable evenings I've had in years.  It was liberating, and while driving home I felt the best I've felt in years.  It was great.  Today, I'm kind of back in the dumps again but recalling the feelings from yesterday gives me hope.  I know I'm still raw and have a ton of healing to do, but now I have a glimpse into what good could feel like. 

I've decided to not send money to her.  She has a storage unit full of really nice stuff I bought her over the years.  If she gets desperate enough, she has the ability to sell things.  This has the same dollar impact of me sending money to her but also shows her that sacrifice is sometimes a result.  Also, I'm just assuming she's sad and glum and feeling the way I do with no money in her pockets.  She could be out partying it up and feeling great.  There's no way for me to know either way, and it's weak of me to make assumptions that she's hurting like I am. 

I'm going to speak to an attorney prior to the court date and explore whether or not I should modify the restraing order to allow digital communication only.  I don't think I want to shut the door 100% closed permanently.  I think maybe allowing some type of texting could help both of us, and as long as I enforce a necessity for demonstrable change to continue conversations I could be ok.  I'd love to hear opinions around this course of action...

[SuperDaddy]

Hi PainLovePain ,

It's hard to give you advice on the restraining order without knowing what actually happened. And yet this is very individual. It depends on who your wife is, what she is capable of doing, and how you feel about it. The thing you felt was threatened was your life, someone else's life, your property, or something else?