Examining how we fit so well

[DesertDreamer]

Hi all,

Today I feel the want to more deeply look at how I participated in my last relationship and stayed so long, even though it was intense beyond my capabilities. How do y'all think about the way your own personal histories, tendencies, and wants in a relationship wove together with a pwBPD?

Here are some I'm thinking about for myself. I wonder if any of them resonate with y'all:

  - Many people on here talk about being a caretaking type, and I am definitely that. I prided myself on being able to
do a "difficult relationship", which I think got in the way of me seeing that I really wasn't as able as I thought.

  - I was the quiet, calm child in my family's system, who took care of herself. I ended up on the sidelines of family
conflicts, and perversely wanted to be included in the yelling and screaming, just to feel a part of things still.

  - I hadn't been in a relationship longer than 1.5 years before I met my pwBPD. As our relationship continued, I figured that it was difficult because I just hadn't done a longer one before. I found it really hard to get insight into what would be considered "healthy" or "normal". Also, there's so much societal conditioning telling us that a romantic partnership is necessary and key. All of that meant that I  pushed past doubts and pain to keep staying. Of course, I also really wanted to believe my partner when she promised that things would calm down.

  - I value the interesting people that I get to meet in this life. My wife was and is one of them. I have a hard time
saying goodbye to these precious connections, in the event they need to end. I never understand it when people say that you need to live for yourself. I get that I need to take care of myself, but live just for myself? Seems disconnected.

  - I let romance drive a lot of forward motion in my life. I don't necessarily value more traditional milestones, like a successful career, for example, which for me means that I'm more interested in feeling the movement of life, the mystery and chance of it. On the negative end, this manifests as a lack of direction, which partly led me to allowing myself to be subsumed in an intense relationship. Whoops.

  - I have depression, and having another person around can make life more bearable.

Okay, that's all for now! Would love to hear y'alls reflections on this topic.

[Pook075]

I never understand it when people say that you need to live for yourself. I get that I need to take care of myself, but live just for myself? Seems disconnected.

I think it's perfectly natural to look back and wonder why we stayed so long, or perhaps what we missed that could have avoided putting us in these situations.

For me, I seriously thought about breaking up with my ex-wife shortly before we became engaged.  And I realize how strange of a statement that seems, but something felt so off and I couldn't put a finger on what it was.  My ex was manic for most of the time we dated and was always so happy, so energized by life.  Yet when something went wrong and we had a disagreement, there was never resolution.  She'd defend herself, get angry and detached, and it would stay that way until I apologized.

One topic I remember was a college Trig class we had together.  She refused to study, to learn the equations, and I was like...we're going to fail if we don't prepare.  But she couldn't take it seriously and couldn't understand why it upset me. 

Little things like that were glaring red flags that I saw yet ignored.  Why?  Because I loved her, and I loved her family.  I wanted it to work despite what my brain was telling me.

Why'd we last so long?  It was the same as the Trig class over and over again...I'd try to make boundaries, she's become hysterical while playing the victim, and I'd apologize while backing off.  I let go of all my natural instincts and morals to adapt to her life in order for us to be happy.  Yet in the end, it still wasn't enough.

The part I quoted above, why you need to put yourself first, doesn't mean to life a selfish, closed-off live.  Instead, it means to be true to your own moral compass and don't let others pull you off that path.  Putting yourself first means to focus on what you can actually control- your health, your wellbeing, your goals and desires in life. 

Doing so will benefit you physically and mentally, and in turn make you a more balanced person when challenges do occur.

[Mutt]

The part about depression and having someone around making life more bearable really stayed with me.

For me it wasn’t only about loneliness. Being in a relationship gave my life a kind of structure. It felt like something to move toward. Before that, I sometimes felt like I was drifting a bit.

That relief was real. It filled something that felt empty at the time.

Looking back, I can see that I probably needed to build more of that stability inside myself. If I’d done more self-work earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have leaned so hard on the relationship to provide it. At the same time, that relationship is what eventually forced me to look at those gaps. I don’t think I would have done the work otherwise.

So I don’t see it as weakness. I see it as part of how I learned.

[DesertDreamer]

For me it wasn’t only about loneliness. Being in a relationship gave my life a kind of structure. It felt like something to move toward. Before that, I sometimes felt like I was drifting a bit.

That relief was real. It filled something that felt empty at the time.

Looking back, I can see that I probably needed to build more of that stability inside myself. If I’d done more self-work earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have leaned so hard on the relationship to provide it.

Ahhh yeah wow, I feel this completely. In part it makes sense to me that relationships would add excitement and direction to life - we're human and we're meant to make meaning with one another, yes? But I really relate to your observation of drifting. Could you share more about how you noticed this about yourself and then built up a personal sense of stability/momentum outside of a romantic relationship? Regardless, thank you.

[Mutt]

That’s a really good question.

I didn’t see it clearly while I was in the relationship. It was more after it ended that it hit me. When it was over, there was this sudden emptiness. As destabilizing as it had been, it was still something I was oriented around. Losing that felt bigger than I expected.

The drifting part, for me, looked like not really having a strong internal path unless I was building it around someone else.

Building stability didn’t happen in some big breakthrough way. It was pretty ordinary. Finding this forum was a big part of it. Reading, listening, talking with people here gave me language for things I hadn’t been able to name.

Boundaries especially. Learning about boundaries made me realize they’re really about values. What’s actually non-negotiable for me? What feels aligned and what doesn’t? I started paying attention to my own reactions - even my nervous system. Sometimes it was already telling me something wasn’t right, and I had been overriding it. Learning to listen to that instead of dismissing it was a shift.

In my previous relationship, boundaries were hard. They didn’t land well. So when I got clearer on my own values, I could see where I had been bending too far. Not in a blaming way - just honestly. That clarity started to feel like a different kind of anchor.

I also started challenging myself more. Just asking, “What do I actually want?” and “What would I choose if I wasn’t reacting to someone else?” That was new for me.

Routines helped. My kids gave me structure, which honestly was a gift. I started making plans based on my life instead of around a relationship.

I wasn’t afraid of quiet. I’d been living with depression for years, so being internal and in my own head was familiar. What I think I was hoping for was regulation - that being with someone would lighten that internal weight. Over time I had to accept that it doesn’t really work that way.

I’m still figuring it out. But I feel steadier now. Less like I need a relationship to give me direction, and more like I bring direction into one.

[DesertDreamer]

The drifting part, for me, looked like not really having a strong internal path unless I was building it around someone else.

Building stability didn’t happen in some big breakthrough way. It was pretty ordinary. Finding this forum was a big part of it. Reading, listening, talking with people here gave me language for things I hadn’t been able to name.

Boundaries especially. Learning about boundaries made me realize they’re really about values. What’s actually non-negotiable for me? What feels aligned and what doesn’t? I started paying attention to my own reactions - even my nervous system. Sometimes it was already telling me something wasn’t right, and I had been overriding it. Learning to listen to that instead of dismissing it was a shift.

Thanks for your reflection. I definitely see a lot of myself in it. I guess I think of myself as someone with a strong sense of self, so I was really surprised when I finally could admit how many times I'd overridden the feeling that something about my relationship was really doing me damage. Took a while!

My big hope for myself, and my new focus, is that I figure out my internal (and external) paths in the world without orienting it around romantic partnership. It's always good to hear that it takes time and small steps, so thanks for saying that. I struggle against the fantasy that everything I want to change could happen in one go.

[M604V]

I often say that romantic connection is how I know where I am on this planet. Its like that little icon on the map at the mall.  "You are here". 

Where am I?  Oh, got it.  I'm there.

Romantic connection provides continuity.  A thread.  It's two people agreeing to weave a new story together.  All of the sudden yesterday isn't yesterday.  It's the thing from which today was born.  Same for tomorrow; it's just today's child. 

Now there's a continuous story.  A narrative.  An arc.  And in this story is where I feel something that I have rarely felt before: consequential.  I can move this thing.  I can bend it and shape it.  I feel ontological power.