Dont know how too help him anymore

[Tinab]

I've tried everything.  wondering after five years of verbal and mental abuse. numerous sessions of theraphy..when is it just time too go?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!

Five years is a long time to be in such a difficult relationship- I'm so sorry you're struggling but you've come to the right place.  You're among friends here.

Is your partner diagnosed with BPD, or it is just a suspicion?  Also, you mentioned therapy- was that couples therapy?  Or perhaps you or your partner was working with a therapist.  Please try to give us a little more of a picture on what you've tried.

To answer your question, when is it time to go, that's a personal decision and nobody here can tell you what to do.  I did see that you posted in the "bettering" forum where you'll get advice on improving your relationship.  Is that what you want? 

Just let us know and I'd love to hear a little more of your story, what's happened, etc.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Tinab,

Yes, this is how it goes when you have a partner with BPD, if that's the case. And over time, it can get even worse. Simple therapy doesn't quite work for them because they feel judged by the therapist. Couples therapy is difficult because they don't allow you to express yourself and may get angry at the session for the same reason (they feel judged).

So he should try DBT, and it will take 1 to 10 years to recover from symptoms, depending on the patient. Another option is schema therapy. But you don't have to go through this while he is on treatment. Living apart greatly helps to limit the abuse.

[Mutt]

 Tinab,

Five years of things regularly spiraling is a long time. Especially if those spirals have felt hurtful or hard on you. Of course you’re tired.

There’s only so much one person can do to steady a relationship. Therapy can help, but real change means he has to own his behavior and work on it consistently. Otherwise you end up managing the same cycles over and over.

No one here can tell you when it’s time to go. That’s personal. What we can do is help you slow this down and look at it clearly.

Have things truly improved?
Is he taking responsibility when things blow up?
Or are you the one adjusting to keep the peace?

You don’t sound uncaring. You sound worn out.

If you want, tell us what the last few months have actually looked like.