Help with Divorce threats

[DustyCabbage]

Hello  I’m new here.

My wife (35) has told me she wants a divorce and that she isn’t happy. We’ve been together almost 5 years and married for 19 months.

So a little background.

My wife was told by a CPN that she possibly has BPD but she’s never been diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

At the start of the relationship, things were a bit difficult as I done somethings that could be seen as emotional infidelity. I realised my mistakes and ever since have never done anything like that and vowed to commit myself.

Lately we’ve been trying for a child and unfortunately we’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. She blames herself and sometimes me for these although neither were our fault.

With Mother’s Day (in the uk) coming up, I knew she’d possibly be upset. I planned to take her out and have got her a card etc.

Unfortunately what I didn’t plan was for her mother to message her and upset her. Her mother has always been someone who only thinks of herself and never gives a crumb of comfort or empathy to anyone else. She disappeared at our wedding and has offered no compassion to my wife, whilst she was going through these miscarriages.

Since that text message, she’s decided she no longer wants any contact with her mother and has cut all ties with her (something I support). However she’s also turned to me and says she doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. That I have traits that are similar to her mother and that I remind her of her. She says she wants a divorce and wants to move out. 

She thinks I only got with her as a rebound relationship and I’m only married to her to tick a box in my life, that I don’t love her or care. She points out every single bad thing I’ve ever done/said and has been criticising everything.

I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife and care about her deeply. I want to start a family with her because I believe she’s an amazing woman.

We’ve been through scenarios before where she says she wants a divorce, brought up right after our miscarriage. This one seems a little different as normally the divorce threat disappears after a day. This has been going on for a few days.
I need advice

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi DustyCabbage,

I have vast experience with that. Four long-term relationships with women with disorders. The first one had BPD traits and was pathologically jealous, and because of that, she had periods of "wanting to separate." In 2007 I was working too much, so she thought I had some kind of lover. I learned that the best thing to do is to move out and cut off contact. However, before leaving, I asked her to call me once per day. My mistake. She did that for 6 months without missing a day but was treating me coldly and poorly. As I finally began to think I was done with that and didn't care much about those phone conversations, she finally began to get less angry but didn't change her attitude of superiority.

So I gave up and changed my phone number. After 3 days she called to my office and was sad. She told me she had cried the entire weekend but said it was because of a film. I think she didn't realize it was because she was losing me. But I also happened to move to another office room, which had a different phone number. Then, her facade of superiority finally fell apart. But it was too late, because I was with another girl and in a very intense relationship. This new girl had histrionic personality disorder and liked to travel and luxury, but I was full of money to spend with her. Ironically, the outcome was great for me. Soon my ex wanted to reapproximate and wanted to become "my secret lover." She then got the complete opposite of a superior attitude.

Well, anyway, my advice is to agree with the separation. You don't need to sign divorce papers yet, but you should move out or make any deal that helps her to move out. Then you must move on with your life, genuinely. That means you must make yourself happy. You don't need to get another partner, but you can if you wish. Your wife will then miss you and remind herself of your value. Unfortunately, this is how emotionally immature people operate.

Finally, when you see a total flip in her attitude with you and she expresses willingness to meet you for a coffee, tell her you think it's better if she checks with a professional first about what made her want to divorce you in the first place. That's just a way of taking this unique opportunity to give her encouragement for her to seek treatment. You must wait for her to be fully engaged in treatment before you reapproximate.

Do this and you'll save your marriage. I know it's hard, but you need to sacrifice yourself a bit now.


Apart from this, please wait. Don't try to get kids now, not yet. I have six kids, two from each mother, and the amount of problems I have with their mothers is unimaginable. And all relationships became dysfunctional after the first baby and completely unbearable after the second. With people that are healthy, the kids might be a good thing that gives them purpose, makes them happy, and strengthens the relationship bond. However, with disordered people, it's completely the other way around. It deteriorates their mental state to a level that you have never seen before.

First you need to bring her to a better health state. The miscarriages are a sign that she is in a really poor state, probably with lots of inflammation. That must be treated first. She must first figure out if she has food intolerances, such as dairy or gluten sensitivity, by experimenting with an exclusion diet. Also, she must see which supplements work best for her. There is one that is the most effective for people with BPD, but you must do your own research. There are a few that are fundamental for a healthy pregnancy and should be taken months before trying. And consulting a doctor from natural/integrative/orthomolecular medicine would be great if you can afford it. Meanwhile, it's better to use a good contraceptive method.

My wife has just inserted a copper intrauterine device today. According to renowned doctor Lair Ribeiro in Brazil, this one is the best because it doesn't mess with the woman's hormones. We are living apart because I'm waiting for her to recover from BPD.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPD Family, a peer support site for those in relationships with persons with BPD traits (pwBPD), whether they be spouses, parents, sibling or children.  Sadly, Borderline PD behaviors are far more commonly encountered in our lives than our knowledge of what it is we're seeing.

There is a wide variety and depth to the practical wisdom we have at this site.  Feel free to browse the various boards.  We've been there, done that.  Learn from our experiences.  As you become more informed and educated, you will be able to make more confident decisions.  No one can or should tell you what to do... As peer support we teach, share and once you have a better grasp of what BPD aspects are impacting you and possible options, then your choices going forward are totally your decision.

I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife and care about her deeply. I want to start a family with her because I believe she’s an amazing woman.

We’ve been through scenarios before where she says she wants a divorce, brought up right after our miscarriage. This one seems a little different as normally the divorce threat disappears after a day. This has been going on for a few days.

I and numerous others have faced that quandary.  A divorce was unthinkable yet we were repeatedly faced with that or similar demands.  Or, was it really a demand?

First, ponder that the mental state of a person with Borderline traits is not the same as what you would consider 'normal' thinking.  Their perceptions, feelings and moods can dictate how they view themselves, you and the world, varying from one extreme to another, from moment to moment.  They are slanted toward more self-oriented actions, reactions and overreactions.  No wonder conflict arises because your perceptions and perspectives don't match your spouse's feelings and perceptions.

With that in mind, is your spouse really wanting a divorce?  Or is there a mismatch of communication?  Maybe she's frustrated that you don't see everything her way?  The problem, of course, arises that if you choose to appease her every time there is discord, that's not a solution.  So we encourage our new members to read and ponder the variety of approaches to conflict that can and does occur.  Feel free to ask questions.

Just one of many concepts is setting expectations of boundaries.  PwBPD are known to resist appropriate boundaries.  So therefore, we've found that Boundaries are - contrary to intuition - for us.  How so?  We can set boundaries by pondering how we should respond to poor behavior.  Does that make sense?  You can read more about boundaries and other communication tools and skills on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

Boundaries are just one among a multitude of tools, skills and strategies we advocate and explain here.  Please, let us know what else we can discuss with you.  We are here to help, not hinder.

[ForeverDad]

I noticed that your wife's mother has not been supportive of the marriage, or you and your wife.  That's an indication that your spouse grew up in a possibly dysfunctional home.  Surely that has had an impact on her.  Though she has displayed some BPD traits, enough for a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to notice, we are remote and cannot say whether she has BPD or not.  It's possible that due to the impact of her FOO (Family of Origin) that she may only have what are sometimes called "BPD fleas" picked up from her family environment and not her core issue.  Again, we just don't know.

Probably until you can be assured your marriage does have a solidly grounded future it would be better not to pursue having a baby at this time.  As much as babies are wonderful blessings, they can also add to the stress in a marriage, and your marriage is already under enough stress.