Why are we this way?

[wantmorepeace]

Lately, I've come to appreciate how hugely outsized and irrational my guilt and fear relative to my uBPD sibling are.  I know that there are people out there who would never put up with what I put up with.  And I also know from reading threads here that I'm not the only person letting themselves be treated this way to the point of mental collapse.  Why are we this way?

[Pook075]

For me, I think it's so common to want to help others.  It's a great trait to have most of the time and I do not regret helping anyone however I can.

However, when we're talking about the BPDs in my life, they don't see my giving for what it truly is.  Because I used to do it often, it was seen by them as an obligation for all the ways I've hurt them in this world.  So the more I gave, the more they expected and it ensured that I could never do enough for either of them.

Why?  Because my time, money, support, and generosity can't fix what's actually wrong.  The problem here is mental illness and disordered thinking, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that.

While I can't change those relationships, I can change my way of thinking and accept that I'm not in control, I can't fix things, and my best path forward is to meet them with compassion WITHOUT trying to save them from the world.

It was one of the hardest lessons of my life, but their burdens are not my burdens anymore.  I'm happy to talk all day but when it comes to fixing, the best they get these days is an ear to listen and practical advice.  What they do with that is up to them...it's just not my problem anymore.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry your sibling isn't treating you right.  As for why you put up with it, I suspect you are a kind and loving person.  In normal relationships, you'd expect some reciprocation, but if your BPD sibling isn't getting therapy, chances are they are all take and no give.  Rationally, you know that the relationship feels one-sided, and yet you still crave a "normal" relationship, because it's family.  Logically, you know you have self-worth, and you should be able to step back if you're being abused.  But it's really hard to step back when it comes to family, especially if you share living quarters.  Moreover, chances are that the family system is expecting you to always be the bigger person, to always offer your love, help and support--and you want to please the other family members, too.  You probably grew up with the expectation of playing that role.

Look, even in healthy families, there can be inordinate pressure to help the "favorite" child, or the "neediest" child, and that happens sometimes.  But what doesn't make sense is that your sacrifice, kind-heartedness and support comes at the expense of your own general well-being.  You deserve to have a life too, you know.  Sometimes you have to realize that nobody else has your back, and you have to protect yourself.  Sure it may be sad to come to that realization, but it's often true.  You don't necessarily have to be mean about it erecting some healthy boundaries for yourself.  You just have to decide to prioritize your own well-being for once.  Sure, others are used to you bending over backwards to accommodate your BPD sibling.  But you're allowed to take a break.  You don't have to explain, just do it.  You are worth it.  Does that make sense?

Look, if you on the verge of mental collapse, you're probably not even thinking straight.  Here we often say that people are operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Alas, that's typical when it comes to a close family member with untreated BPD.  You are not to blame for that, so you can let go of the guilt!  If you need therapy, go ahead and get it.  If you need a break, take it!  You don't have to justify it, just do it--stop responding to mean texts, stop sending money, stop visiting your sibling who treats you badly, stop bailing them out.  Usually I advise others on these boards to think of it as being a role model for what a healthy adult's life looks like.  You focus on your general well-being, and that includes getting control of finances, taking care of your own family, taking care of your home environment, cultivating friendships, eating right, getting therapy if you need it.  That way, you're in a healthy, balanced and calm place.  Trust me, your sibling needs Calm, Cool and Collected Wantmorepeace, not a frazzled, reactive, stressed-out, resentful sibling on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Should you decide to interact with your disordered sibling again, maybe some of your healthy habits will rub off on them.

[Notwendy]

Family dynamics and family systems contribute to this. Where there's a family member with a disorder, the other family members take on roles to keep the family in balance. When we grow up in this kind of family dynamics, it's the only "normal" we know.

Children need their parents for survival. We are wired to seek parental attachment and approval. The behaviors we take on in our families are functional as children but may not be as adults. We probably got parental approval for being overly responsible for the disordered person- being parentified.

We may also have seen this behavior role modeled for us and see it in a positive light. Generally, being strong, and helpful, are considered positive qualities universally, but when they become overly responsible, enabling, or co-dependent they are not. It's hard to tell the difference anyway but we may not be able to if they were the "normal" in our family.

While it's not a good thing to tolerate mistreatment to the point of mental collapse, this could be the turning point "hitting bottom" that leads to positive change. It takes some self work and counseling to re-examine our family roles and learn new behaviors. We can still be helpful but in positive ways and with appropriate boundaries, but first we have to have some self care, and emotional self care. This may not feel comfortable to us if we've been taught that caring for ourselve is "selfish" but it's not. It's essential. The work of learning new ways to relate to others takes time and effort but it's worth it because you are worth investing in.

[ForeverDad]

One of our normal inbuilt cravings is reciprocation in our relationships.  We give and share while wanting others to similarly give and share.  It's upbuilding and overall productive.

When things get unbalanced is when one is always giving and the other always taking, even opposing.  Imagine sitting in a rowboat, you rowing toward a wonderful goal but the other is just sitting there, perhaps even rowing in the opposite direction.  That eventually becomes frustrating and unworkable.  In time you're tempted to give up and give in and what you do becomes, almost before you realize it, appeasing and enabling.  Not a success story.

There are many relationship tools, communication skills and time-tested strategies discussed here.  Many members have been here for years and our collective wisdom is a result of our "been there, done that" experience.

One skill, one of many, is learning what Boundaries are.  Boundaries are not placed on the misbehaving person because typically they resist proper boundaries of behavior.  While it isn't intuitive, Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are how we respond to poor behavior.

For example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target.  Rather we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Probably not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.

If there are minor children, it's best not to leave them with a spouse who is in such a dissociated state.  Yet most will oppose the children being removed from the conflict.  That is something to ponder... how to help the kids not to remain stuck in the middle of conflict.

[Methuen]

Lately, I've come to appreciate how hugely outsized and irrational my guilt and fear relative to my uBPD sibling are.  I know that there are people out there who would never put up with what I put up with.  And I also know from reading threads here that I'm not the only person letting themselves be treated this way to the point of mental collapse.  Why are we this way?

Because we "care", are kind, and we are good people...?  In healthy relationships, these things get reciprocated, which makes us feel valued.  Sadly, in a BPD relationship, guilt and fear get used against us in phrases like "you're so selfish" (if we take care of a personal need instead of their need), or, "if you loved me you wouldn't go without me", and so on.  Their rages also terrify us and we learn to do anything to avoid that rage, which makes us weak at times and easily manipulated to meet their need.  We acquiesce. We support. We enable. We caretake their emotions when they should be caretaking their own emotions.  They are exceptionally skilled at manipulating our feelings of guilt if their need isn't being met, and their superb intuition tells them how to push our buttons to get the most powerful reaction they want (attention, drama, or some specific need).  My mother has passed away now, but she used to moan/scream/wail that we didn't love her if we were leaving town even for a short weekend road trip.  "Leaving" would trigger her feeling of abandonment, dysregulate her emotion (How could we leave her? or, sometimes: How Dare We Leave Her?), and she would say things to make me feel bad so that I would either take her with me on the family trip, or cancel our trip just to avoid the inevitable drama (twice she faked illness and we cancelled).  For decades I allowed my emotions to be manipulated in this way, before I came to a breaking point because as she aged, it got bonkers.

Now she is gone and I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  Broken at 64.  I want to believe I can put myself back together again.

So I think your question, while simple enough on the surface, is a very complex and important one.  And each response in the thread holds so many special gems of wisdom. 

I believe it is a worthwhile exercise to keep reading the responses over and over, until body and brain have absorbed them and processed them on a deeper level.

The next question following yours is:  "now what"? 

This is a really great thread.

PS:

You don't have to explain, just do it.

This is just golden.  I can't tell you the number of times over the years I've read about frustrated "nons" on this board, reporting that they have "declared" __________, or "written a letter" to their person with BPD.  Goodness, that is only going to fan the flames and amplify the chaos and hurt.  Then their next post is an outcry about the BPD's raging response. Really?  What did you expect?  To support what CC43 is saying:  Skip the words.  Just take the action (learn to set boundaries for yourself). 

There are so many gems on this thread that could be just life changing, and life giving. 

Another gem I once received was to "emotionally detach with kindness".