Uncomfortable Solutions That Work With Disordered People

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a very disordered neighbor who has lived next door to me for several years. Most of the time I limit my contact with her. Unfortunately she never stops trying to control me and all the other neighbors with her unreasonable demands. I blew up at her a few years ago when I was woken up by some hammering. She had hired some contractors to replace a door that she did not like on my house. I blew up and told her to never do any work on my house without telling me first. I have had a few incidents like this over the years, being very civil and distancing myself from her which mostly works. The problem is once she goes on a tangent of control, yelling at her when I can't take it any more is what seems to work.

I have always had trouble with her bothering me about the areas around my house, in particular the community storage area next to my house. In recent months, she has been on my case, to remove my sand bags which I might need if there is a severe rain storm and have permission to store there by the HOA all of which I have briefly explained to her several times. She recently told me she has been appointed to manage the storage area which the HOA President confirmed to me is not true. She has been bothering other neighbors about removing what they have stored there.

Yesterday was just too much when she once again went after me about the sand bags. I blew up at her and told her to stay out of my business. I have never had a bad temper, yet this seems to be what works to get her to leave me alone. At one time, I told her I would not speak to her anymore and she begged me to not do that. I gave her the silent treatment for around a year. It seems that no contact is in order again.

My frustration with this is I do not like to raise my voice with another person or to give that person the silent treatment. It seems that with some disordered people uncomfortable solutions that are not how I like to treat people are what work.

[zachira]

I have a very disordered neighbor who has lived next door to me for several years. Most of the time I limit my contact with her. Unfortunately she never stops trying to control me and all the other neighbors with her unreasonable demands. I blew up at her a few years ago when I was woken up by some hammering. She had hired some contractors to replace a door that she did not like on my house. I blew up and told her to never do any work on my house without telling me first. I have had a few incidents like this over the years, being very civil and distancing myself from her which mostly works. The problem is once she goes on a tangent of control, yelling at her when I can't take it any more is what seems to work.

I have always had trouble with her bothering me about the areas around my house, in particular the community storage area next to my house. In recent months, she has been on my case, to remove my sand bags which I might need if there is a severe rain storm and have permission to store there by the HOA all of which I have briefly explained to her several times. She recently told me she has been appointed to manage the storage area which the HOA President confirmed to me is not true. She has been bothering other neighbors about removing what they have stored there.

Yesterday was just too much when she once again went after me about the sand bags. I blew up at her and told her to stay out of my business. I have never had a bad temper, yet this seems to be what works to get her to leave me alone. At one time, I told her I would not speak to her anymore and she begged me to not do that. I gave her the silent treatment for around a year. It seems that no contact is in order again.

My frustration with this is I do not like to raise my voice with another person or to give that person the silent treatment. It seems that with some disordered people uncomfortable solutions that are not how I like to treat people are what work.

[zachira]

I posted this on this board because a lot of my discomfort with disordered people comes from growing up in a highly dysfunctional family and from ongoing traumatic reenactments. The narcissism of this disordered neighbor reminds me of my mother with BPD and some other disordered people who are/were in my life.

[Notwendy]

I still feel uncomfortable with being firm with people. It feels as if I am doing something wrong and I agree- it's from our childhood where if we did stand up for ourselves, there were consequences.

If we encounted a disordered person now, we can have similar feelings as with our disordered family member(s).

[wantmorepeace]

Given what you describe, I don't think it's unreasonable to blow up, but I understand your discomfort with doing that and would say that being firm and blowing up are not the same.  You should definitely be firm and not let her walk on you.

I've noticed for myself that sometimes I need to work myself up to anger in order to be firm (even though I know they don't have to be the same).  I mention in case it resonates for you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.  I ended up choosing a career which is notorious for attracting difficult people, maybe because I was used to it?  But even after years of experience, I still had to learn some tricks, especially when I became a manager.  At first, I was probably way too nice, hoping not to bruise any egos and to be liked as a manager.  I thought, if I treated others as I wished to be treated, with fairness, respect and kindness, that surely they would respond in kind.  But that doesn't always work, unfortunately.  Some "difficult" people won't take any hints, and they'll read "niceness" as weakness, as a reason not to respect you.  I think sometimes, you might do better if you speak their "language."  You see, what they understand best is assertiveness.  Instead of bending over backwards so as not to offend, they need to see you as tough and important, as well as intolerant of their baloney.  Now I'm not saying you should to fly off your rocker or do anything dishonest.  But you can be assertive, and I think that sometimes, they respond better to that.  It might be especially tough for women to do, because being assertive / tough is typically viewed as unseemly.  But I think it is more effective with this type of person.

So in your situation where somebody is lying about their authority and making unreasonable requests of you, while violating your rights (e.g. by encroaching on your property without your permission), and when they ignore you when you defend your rights in a civil manner, I think it's OK to speak to them in their own language.  You might have to adopt an aggressive persona, speak loudly and firmly.  I would relish catching them in a lie ("You have no authority over the storage space, you're lying and you know it. / You are trespassing on my property without my consent, and you know it. / If you trespass again, I'm calling the cops and reporting you to the HOA.")  Promptly escort them off your property, turn around and don't give them more attention.

I confess, sometimes I don't have to say a single word.  Sometimes just by standing tall, maybe with my arms crossed, and staring directly at them will succeed in intimidating them.  If they make an unreasonable request (Move the sand), I might say firmly, No I will not--and I won't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  In cases of active trespassing, sometimes what I've done is take out my phone and snap pictures as evidence (including of their car and license plate).  The act of taking pictures will send a strong message, make them feel uncomfortable, and they will usually leave the scene quickly.  Maybe a passive way of doing this is to install a door camera, which might be another option to consider.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

From my experiences, I think the core problem is that the disordered person obsesses over what they think is right over and over again until it feels like there can't be any other sensible outcome.  So you have the conversation, a week goes by, and that person has added 100+ hours of disordered dialogue to what you talked about.

You and I, we think logically and we can recall with fairly good clarity how things happened.  Yet if either one of us really fixates on it, our imaginations could take over and slightly alter important things about our past.  For example, a fisherman telling the story of the one he caught decades ago...that fish just keeps getting bigger and stronger every year.  I think BPD's do that x1000.

How you handle it is anyone's guess, because you can only control your actual part of the conversation.  What happens afterwards, within their mind, makes that last conversation much less relevant and leads to chaos.  That's why you have to keep saying, "Leave my sandbags alone!"  They might remember that comment but after so many hours of illogical self-dialogue, they conclude that's not what you actually meant at all.

[Notwendy]

I think we resort to yelling when we have just had so much of the behavior and are frazzled. I don't think we have intentions of being rude, or mean, it's more out of distress and after we've tried to respond calmly but can't seem to get through to them.

Pook has a point about disordered people thinking differently. We learn certain rules about boundaries early on. We wouldn't think of doing work on someone's house without their permission, and we asume others think like that too. So when someone violates a boundary out of the blue, it takes us by surprise.

I also don't like to yell at people, and it's rare that I do it but it's usually out of exasperation- like how can I get through to this person? I find that it works for a while to get them to stop,  but I don't like that I did it.

[Notwendy]

A difficult behavior for me is the discard/cut off/silent treatment. If people are being impolite, crossing boundaries- as difficult as that is- at least there's some interaction.

I find I put more value into a relationship than some other people. I will try to salvage a relationship, at least at first.

I had a co-worker with whom I thought we had a friendship. This person was not disordered. We had done things together outside of work, and I even was invited to her child's wedding. After she left the job, due to job dissatisfaction, I still contacted her. I realized it was one way- me reaching out and she was too busy. I understand that perhaps she didn't want to associate with anyone from her previous job, as she had been unhappy with it. I just assumed the friendship was more than that. Realizing it may not have been, and there was no effort on her part, I let it go.

Another person, whose reaction was so over the top, I suspect is disorded, was angry at someone with whom I worked on a committee. I was not involved in their altercation- I wasn't there at the time and I don't have a personal relationship with the person she was angry with. She disagreed with a decision made by the committee, and promptly cut contact with everyone associated with that. I know she was angry as she had words with me over it, then blocked and unfriended me and has not spoken to me after that. I tried to reach out but she's still gone NC.

What I noticed with myself is how much this affected me emotionally- it was distressing. I see that this is similar to BPD mother's behvavior of cutting off contact, silent treatment- when she was angry at people. Another similarity is that the reaction is way out of proportion to the situation. My involvement in her issues with this other person is minimal, yet she was willing to destroy a relationship with me over it.

In both these situations, I realize that the frienship meant more to me than the other person. Up to the discard- there were no issues that I could see. Nobody treated me poorly. I don't think all friendships are meant to last. Some are situational. Still, most of the time, they remain cordial, even if more distant. To completely cut all contact at once is baffling to me.

[ForeverDad]

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.

I have a sibling living next door that I haven't spoken with for 7 or more years.  I had just considered him a grumpy person but it was more than that.

The last incident was with my parents' estate.  The will gave him a choice on how much property to select.  When he finally made the arrangements after a couple years, then the process continued.  He berated me while the final distribution was pending, "Where's my check?"

Looking back, I now can imagine he blamed me for the extended delay.  In order for him to select a piece of their land, all to his sole benefit before the remainder was sold and proceeds split, the county required an easement so the remainder would be marketable.  Once he eventually selected a surveyor and naturally wanted the maximum land possible, officials stated it would make the remainder landlocked so an easement was needed.  He kept insisting I allow an easement on my property and I kept responding there wasn't room on my property for an easement.  So, in his mind I caused the delay?

There was a memorial for one of our cousins last month and I was seated on the other side.  It was as if the other wasn't there.

[zachira]

I appreciate hearing everyone's perspectives. Thank you for replying and your ongoing input. One of my friends recently told me that I get groomed by disordered people and I am just too nice. I was way too nice to this neighbor, while most people seem to get it pretty quickly that they had better distance themselves from her.

Unfortunately the neighbor has an unhealthy obsession with controlling what goes on at my place, having everything her way at the HOA (She drives the HOA President crazy with her unreasonable demands.), and keeps violating my boundaries. I wish I had been more affirmative with her from the beginning. I have tried to validate her when she does something nice. I doubt she ever gets much validation from anybody and she seems to crave my attention. I am at the point where I can't stand this woman and want as little contact as possible. Perhaps my extreme dislike of her will now allow me to set better boundaries with her. The other next door neighbor to her told me she just turns and walks away when she makes unreasonable demands. The HOA President told me he calls her out on her lies, which make her upset. He also says no to her unreasonable demands after spending years trying to work with her.

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

[TelHill]

Hi Zachira, I also have a disordered neighbor. What's theirs is their and what's yours is theirs.  I also feel reluctant to act due to having had a dBPD mother.

I've done the same as you. If something happens I'll contact them but say nothing otherwise. Being friendly with them and/or doing favors in the past made me into a consistent target. I think it feeds the disorder.

They seem to implode at random though. They've harassed others in the neighborhood too.

Zachira, don't be so hard on yourself. I've had to learn the hard way how to handle disordered people. Most people do too. It doesn't come naturally. 

You can ignore her and not speak to her. If she can't control her behavior, you have the right to protect yourself. I think you're doing really well from what you've said.  You can't stop her from being disordered.

I would suggest contacting the police if she trespasses and destroys your property again. I had an instance where I should have and let it pass -- I was still learning to set boundaries. Actions should have consequences.

[zachira]

TelHill,
Thank you for understanding my situation. Like you, being friendly and doing favors for my disordered neighbor has made me a consistent target. For the future, it is all about having the lowest possible contact with her. The biggest challenge I have is feeling so unsafe having her around, like as you describe these type of people tend to implode at random. I never know when I am in for another round of being abused, and she really lives just a few feet away in the condo association. If this were my own privately owned home, I would have more barriers to limiting contact with her.

 

[Notwendy]

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

I have had this kind of thing happen and as Tel Hill said- being nice to these people seems to be an incentive to them to make you a target.

As kids, one of the first things we learn is the Golden Rule. A version of it is universal to so many cultures and it's so sensible, but we weren't taught how to deal with people who for some reason don't think the rules apply to them or through their own distorted thinking behave differently.

In addition, I also think there's something about us that these people can sense. Boundaries are on some level not conscious. I think this part is our upbringing. We haven't had solid boundaries in our FOO. We don't really know how to deal with these people. We try to make sense of their behavior when we don't think like they do.

There was a time when I experienced betrayal and also people being outright mean. One time, a person was yelling at me and I asked "why do you do that" and the reply was "because I can".  She was right- I didn't give the behavior back. In 12 steps we learned a slogan "we teach people how to treat us" and this is about boundaries and not tolerating abuse. I don't tolerate it now.

Still, my own sense of how I want to behave is important to me. I don't want to return that kind of behavior. I don't want to act that way. So finding a way to distance from this kind of behavior without acting like them is a challenge. The going NC/discard, cutting off is the more difficult.

I am less trusting these days. Emotional distance feels safer. I don't know if that is because I have better boundaries or am too defensive.

[Notwendy]

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.

There was a memorial for one of our cousins last month and I was seated on the other side.  It was as if the other wasn't there.

I think when we grow up with a disordered person, it is the "normal" we know. There are people in my mother's family who are estranged from each other. I don't know the reasons why. Maybe it's their "normal".

We assume a memorial is not the time to act out grievences but how a disordered person is thinking is anyone's guess.

[wantmorepeace]

Not Wendy, I very much relate to what you are saying. I am transitioning now to not tolerating abuse and it is scary but also feels good and right.

[zachira]

One of the things I have experienced throughout my life is the healthiest people know how to balance being kind while affirmative when necessary. Many people who did not necessarily want a close relationship with me were nice to me about my behavior when I acted inappropriately yet set the boundaries in kind ways that did not make me feel badly. I have noticed that the healthiest people genuinely feel sad for disordered people. In the last few years, more and more I feel sad instead of angry with disordered people most of the time. I have heard that underneath anger many times is sadness.

I have felt sad for my disordered neighbor most of the time however now I just feel angry. I feel she has pushed me to my limits of what I can tolerate. I don't like feeling this way, yet I believe in some ways this anger is sending me a very important message that I have to stop enabling people like her. I feel that this time I am really done with her, and I will limit the contact with her as much as possible.

I have been so grateful for many years to people who treated me well with firm boundaries who were role models for me. I went to my high school reunion to apologize to the most popular girl in my class who I treated badly. She ended up sitting next to me for dinner just by chance with all the hundreds of people there. I apologized to her as she soon as she sat down and she was genuinely taken aback. We talked a lot throughout the evening.  At the end of the evening, she gave me a warm touch when she left.

I am now a work in progress learning not to get too involved with people who show no interest in me and cannot emotionally reciprocate. For many years, I was willing to help people and not ask for anything in return. This has led to the relationships eventually becoming intolerable for me, when I was ignored put down for expressing my needs no matter how small and/or taken advantage of financially despite not having a lot of money myself.

Lately with the painful betrayals, the red flags were all there. I choose to ignore the red flags because I was lonely and wanted to be nice. It is time for me to get out and make some new friends, while keeping the few ones that are very much worth keeping.

[Methuen]

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

I am sorry to hear this Zachira. I think it can be tricky "knowing who to trust".  If we trust the wrong person, and share more of ourselves and/or our vulnerabilities with that person, there is a potential that they can betray us.  They may or may not understand they have betrayed us.  I think my way of navigating this is sadly to trust very few people.  I trust my H.  I have one close friend (of 30+ years) I trust.  I have 1 cousin I trust (lives 800 miles away).  And I could trust my dad (deceased 21 years ago). These people I can count on to have my interests at heart. They know me well enough to understand me, not judge me, and still like me despite my flaws.  Beyond that, I don't really count on anyone, and learned early in life that people can't be trusted for all kinds of reasons.  People who are acquaintences I will chat and visit with about all kinds of topics, but I will rarely share anything private, such as info that has any potential of making me vulnerable at any time now or in the future. Even my 1 close friend calls me a "private" person.  I have other friends, and we have great conversations, but it is less personal - I chose to keep my vulnerabilities and private life private.  

I think growing up with my uBPD mom played a huge role in my trust issues.  I also think that being bullied through grade school played a role.  I recognized in mid adulthood that I had trust issues.  What I didn't recognize until more recently was where they could have come from.  Nobody would recognize from knowing me that I have trust issues unless I told them.  Let's just say that when it comes to personal conversations, I'm very good at being a reflective listener, and making it about them.  I rarely reveal personal info about myself, and keep it general.  A number of years ago I noticed that people I hardly knew were opening up to me about stuff I didn't really need to hear (eg. in the grocery store). I learned in my university days that a great way to make friends was to get people talking about themselves, which most people seem to like to do. LOL  I could pick and choose what to share about myself, but privacy was a learned self-preservation skill for me. The less I opened up about myself, the more I could trust people to not disappoint or betray me.

Since you are writing about a difficult neighbour, I can say I have encountered my share of triggering people in my life.  Some people here may remember that I came out of retirement and returned to work to find a "safe" boundary from my mom's demands. (She demanded my attention for her emotional caretaking and to do tasks daily for hours at a time, and if I couldn't do it as soon as she wanted, or when she wanted, or the way she wanted, I didn't love her).  So I went back to work, which was a "boundary" that made me unavailable to my mother.  That of course brought on a rage about what a selfish daughter I was.  One of my jobs that I went back to was a career job that I loved, but it was only 1 day a week, and I am retiring from that this July.  The other job was in a different sector that allowed me to use my skills and experience in a new way with a new audience.  I really enjoy this job and the clients I work with, but not so much the people I work with.  I have a small number of colleagues.  One of them (colleague #1) is dBPD and is open about seeing a psychiatrist once a week.  I give her credit.  I wish my mom had been able to do that.  Still, when this colleague has an emotional dysregulation in the office, it is distressing for me, whereas someone else might be able to brush it off easier.  My boss (colleague #2) also has emotional dysregulations.  That is the harder one and when she goes off the rails, everyone in the office feels it.  Even if it's not BPD, it feels too familiar with having had a mom with BPD.  Ironically, I went back to work (to a job I like) to escape my mom, but found myself in an office with people who have similar issues. And when I started the job, there was another colleague (colleague #3) who made me her scapegoat and what I underwent is called "harrassment" in the workplace. She slandered, and lied, and blamed, and accused, and called me names.  I was strong enough to know who I was, and just determined to do my job well and trust that eventually others would get to know me for who I am, and not this woman's lies.  Eventually she left the workplace, but my boss (colleage #2 also with emotional dysregulations) didn't have the skills to navigate the situation, and much of the time, wasn't even present. I finally lost my cool during my first performance review (when my boss accused me of some slander that colleague #3 had spread).  I am well known in my community with a solid reputation and wasted no words mincing what I thought about what she was saying and why.  After that she dropped it and seemed to respect me more. I let the results of my work show who I really am.  I agree with another responder here who said that sometimes with some people we just need to be assertive.  I would add blunt.  It's the only thing some people seem to understand.

While it's not at all the same with your neighbor, there are some similarities. The way it seems to me, we have unfortunately learned to recognize some dysfunctional people because of our early childhood experiences.  Now, later, as we have grown, and reflected, and learned new skills for coping with difficult people, it sometimes seems like they are all around us because we are so easily triggered by them based on our early life experiences. It was pretty unlucky for me to land in a workplace with so many difficult people when I went back to work to set a boundary to give me space from my mom.  You end up with a difficult neighbour living right beside you.  In fact I think there are difficult people everywhere for everyone.  They are in churches, on boards, in workplaces, CEO's, political leaders, neighbors, and in families.  Everyone seems to know one.  They just seem to be a fact of life.

People can be complicated.

It's almost unbelievable that your neighbour hired a contractor and "changed your door" because she didn't like it.  Does she own or manage the place? Did she have a right to do this?  Should she have given you notice? It sounds nutty.  How can someone do this?  I would be calling the police.  I think you actually showed incredible restraint.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about blowing up at her.  Goodness.  She obviously has issues.  I would hand her issues back to her by reminding her where her own door is and suggesting she could change that one instead.  Humour maybe?

My mom used to make fun of me every Christmas for biting into a glass Christmas tree decoration as a baby.  She would do this in front of family or company.  She loved telling the story and treated me as if I was so stupid I would bite into a glass ornament. I have no idea what she "got out of telling it" every year.  I was in my 50's before I finally replied by asking her in front of guests, why she hung a glass ornament on the bottom of a tree where a crawling baby (who puts everything in their mouth) can reach it.  She never once told the story again.  I didn't try to humiliate her.  I just asked the question out of curiousity in a calm voice.  After 40 years of being the dutiful daughter and listening to her tell that story, it ended with that simple question.  

Sometimes, we just have to find a way to bat the ball, or birdie, or issue, back at them, and let them sit with it.  

Not sure if that could work with this neighbor?  

Or adjust your schedule or routine so you don't run into her as much?  I did that once 10 years ago in a different workplace with a different boss.  She was just "too much" for me at the time, so I changed up where I parked and how and when I entered the workplace so I could avoid her.

Maybe none of these will work in your situation Zachira.  The truth is, I just feel bad for you having this person live so close to you, so I might be being too "solutions based".  These difficult people can be a "lot".  Don't let her rent too much space in your head.  She and her problems should stay on the inside of her own head, and on her own side of her own door.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Yes, the neighbor's problems need to stay in her own head and on her side of the door. For this reason, I have decided to go mostly no contact with her like I did for a year at one time. It worked, then as I begin speaking to her again she slowly began abusing me again. I have given her many chances and eventually she goes back to being more and more abusive as time passes.

Your stories about how you handled your mother with the glass tree ornament and the one about the coworker that smeared you are helpful. Sometimes we have to find an assertive succinct way to stand up for ourselves. I have had a few successes in handling this neighbor. One is to call her out on her lies. The other is to just walk away when she makes unreasonable demands. Mostly I plan to ignore her behaviors until I have to address them. For the future, I plan not to allow myself to get contaminated by her negative emotions as much as I can however I will try to be more compassionate with myself if I do get triggered. Those of us who have been abused by our Family of Origin have to continually cope with triggers. I know I continue to get better with coping with the triggers over time and with experience.

[TelHill]

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

Sorry I didn't respond before on this, Zachira. I'm sorry you've endured betrayals. There's a lot of pain that comes with this. Hugs to you. Having a BPD parent set me up to be victimized by others (my ex-husband, a relationship I had after my divorce, my quiet uBPD brother) and to blame myself for not seeing how they set me up to use me.

It's  helped to watch those YouTube videos about spotting 10 red flags of narcissists. I wish there was a workbook or fieldwork with a guide to get practice. I have avoided a few people who seemed sneaky but am afraid to pursue friendships. It's been extremely slow process for me.

Don't know if this will help but I changed my posture. I read an article that the disordered pick their victims by their gait. They can tell you may be amenable to control if you have poor posture or look afraid. I looked like I've been abused. looked at my security cam and compared to others on the sidewalk I looked unconfident and afraid. I practiced better posture and took up more room. I've noticed a few people who I thought were sneaky back off from me on their own. It was a relief.

I was too friendly and fawning before, acting like I really was: desperate for friendship because of loneliness. I paid attention to what I was saying so they wouldn't reject me.  I was eager to please. I went full speed ahead instead of taking my time to get to know someone naturally. 

I was listening to the other person to keep the conversation going but not paying attention to the nuances of their words and behavior. I dismissed intuition if something seemed off.

I don't know if this is true for you, Zachira. It wasn't a very healthy way. You seem more self-aware and together than I was.

Mostly I plan to ignore her behaviors until I have to address them. For the future, I plan not to allow myself to get contaminated by her negative emotions as much as I can however I will try to be more compassionate with myself if I do get triggered. Those of us who have been abused by our Family of Origin have to continually cope with triggers. I know I continue to get better with coping with the triggers over time and with experience.

It hasn't helped me to confront my disordered neighbor. She's aggressive and is willing to fight over non-issues. She's said abusive, hurtful things to me. Avoidance works best to keep my peace of mind. This is how my dBPD mom abused me. I don't want a repeat.  I'm prone to having my thoughts contaminated (great way to put it) and feeling trapped and hopeless. I do something fun or comforting and that works to let the neighbor issue take up less room in my head.

[Notwendy]

My mom used to make fun of me every Christmas for biting into a glass Christmas tree decoration as a baby.  She would do this in front of family or company.  She loved telling the story and treated me as if I was so stupid I would bite into a glass ornament. I have no idea what she "got out of telling it" every year.  

My BPD mother would do this too, and also tell stories of me as a small child as if what I did was intentional. I "threw up on her carpet on purpose", "woudn't share my cookie". These were stories I just accepted from her- until as an adult I realized that these are typical small child behaviors. If a child has a stomach ache, they throw up- not on purpose. Little children don't understand sharing. There's no other intentions there.

I don't think I had trust issues, or even a fear of abandonment as a teen our young adult, but I was fearful of being transparent - especially if they knew about my mother. I think I somehow felt  it was connected to me, and I was afraid they'd think that. So instead I was a people pleaser. I thought that this is what I had to do around people. I realized over time that I would be able to make connections with a few people, not a lot, and I did trust these people.

I also wonder if what I considered a friendship or relationship that mattered to me might have been more one sided. I did feel attached to my father- but even so, his focus was on my mother a lot. But when this is what a child experiences, it's the attachment you recognize as one.

I think what we experience as adults can enhance or help the childhood issues. I think for me, trust issues happened over time as relationships I had trust in were not as solid as I believed them to be. I admit now to being more wary and hesitant with people.

[Notwendy]

Methuen,
Yes, the neighbor's problems need to stay in her own head and on her side of the door. For this reason, I have decided to go mostly no contact with her like I did for a year at one time. It worked, then as I begin speaking to her again she slowly began abusing me again. I have given her many chances and eventually she goes back to being more and more abusive as time passes.

Mostly I plan to ignore her behaviors until I have to address them. For the future, I plan not to allow myself to get contaminated by her negative emotions as much as I can however I will try to be more compassionate with myself if I do get triggered. Those of us who have been abused by our Family of Origin have to continually cope with triggers. I know I continue to get better with coping with the triggers over time and with experience.

I think NC and ignoring the neighbor is a good plan. I think a response or reaction to their behavior may be, in a way, a reinforcement to them- they know they can "get to you". It's also possible that this, to them, is an interaction, if they can't interact in normal ways. No response isn't a reinforcement to them. They may then move on to someone else who does respond to them.

Also protect yourself and your boundaries. If someone does something physical to your property without your permission that is a violation. It may be that a restraining order if needed. Still, less is best I think -when she gets nothing from her behavior with you, she may move on.

[zachira]

TelHill,
Yes, it is about changing how we portray ourselves to others and how we genuinely feel inside to stop attracting people who are like our disordered family members who just want to use us. Being aware of the red flags are important, yet being comfortable in our own skin while comfortable setting boundaries can limit how much we are involved with disordered people. I am working on being too friendly and not fawning over others.

I keep reminding myself it does not work to confront my disordered neighbor, yet there are times when I just have to say no to what she is doing.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I wish it were possible that my neighbor would get nothing from me and move on. Unfortunately she is obsessed with having the whole property fixed and maintained the way she wants it. She has been hell to deal with for the President of the HOA, no matter who is holding the office. She will leave me alone for a while then comes after me for something.

Recently she had a meltdown in my presence about not getting her way about how the property is maintained. Right after I blew her off as quickly as possible, she immediately called someone and said she was being abused. She is just not a safe person to have as a neighbor.

It does work to give her less attention, though there is no safety as to when she will be on the attack again with her abusive demands and behaviors.

 

[zachira]

I do think the neighbor is being held more accountable for her behaviors than in the past. She used to have a lot of people who worked for her, regular visits from family and friends. There has been a considerable decline in who works or visits her since she retired several years ago. She used to be in charge of her work facility so she had plenty of outlets for her controlling demanding behaviors. Now the primary focus seems to be on her home and the HOA. I do believe that disordered people usually get worse with age.

Recently she hired a man to wash her windows. She kept complaining about the job he was doing even though he explained to her he could not do what she was demanding. He asked me to come over and evaluate his work. I said no and told him there was no way she was ever going to be happy with what he was doing.

I truly feel sad for her yet I know there is nothing I can do but go low contact as my attempts to be nice to her just result in her using me as her target to unload her unhappiness on.

I am the target of my disordered family. Recently I was dropped from the family email because they found out I was still on there by something I posted which was short and positive. I also have been betrayed recently by several people I though I could trust. The neighbor would not bother me as much if I had more people I could trust around me and less contact with disordered people. Slowly I am maintaining a few close relationships while letting go of the unhealthy relationships.