She still won’t let the kids see my mother…

[thankful person]

I’ve discussed this on here before but I’m ashamed to say I’m no further forward.

Lesbian marriage, four young children, dbpdw (in denial) won’t let the kids see my mother under any circumstances, with or without her, in any location etc.

My mother has never done anything wrong. Dbpdw says Mum has never made her feel welcome and she feels uncomfortable in her presence etc and left out. They had a text relationship but Mum has stopped bothering as everything she says gets twisted. Mum has financially supported us in many ways but w says she just “throws money at the problem”.

I can’t just go against my wife’s wishes she would physically stop my Mum coming in and would physically snatch the children from me etc. it wouldn’t be right to go behind her back. Mum is six hours away from us.

I can’t get through to dbpdw in any way. I continue a video call relationship with Mum for the kids. I have told w of my intentions to visit Mum on my own this year, she also knows I wrote Mum a song about how much I value her as my mother.

Last night w was invited on holiday by a friend who had a spare ticket as she split from her boyfriend. It is at reduced price and 11 nights. I may have been wrong in my response which was, “I would really like the kids to see my mother this year. That’s all I’m going to say.” W wants to “respect our partnership” so is now (apparently) not going on the holiday, but is making me feel very guilty about it even though I’m also a bit smug and would like her to go away for a bit. But w is staying firm that my 81 year old mother is not to see the kids under any circumstances. The littlest one is 16 months and Mum has never met him.

I have been meaning to look into whether I have legal rights in the circumstances of w and I being “together” as opposed to if we separated in which case I would be granted rights it doesn’t feel like I currently have. I don’t want to give up the marriage. It is functioning much better these days and bearable and the kids mostly are protected from the bpd not manifesting as badly as it used to. I don’t want us to separate because I want to raise them with her much as it is hard. But I also know that it is so wrong what w is doing here and I’ve told her that. She’ll happily admit her parents have given her no moral guidance throughout life. Her Dad disowned both her sisters and his own mother, I’m surprised he’s still talking to bpdw tbh.

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[Pook075]

I'm sorry that you're still in the exact same place as earlier...I remember us having this conversation over a year ago and I don't have anything additional to add.  I will remind you though that you're a legal parent and have every right to do with the kids as you please.  Her saying, "You can't do that under any circumstances," are just words.  You are choosing to abide by those words to appease her.

She has an 11 day trip opportunity- tell her to go and have fun.  Go visit your mom with the kids during that time.  It's a win-win.

There's two paths here. 

1)  Tell her to take the almost free vacation, and take the kids to see mom without telling her.  Then talk to her about it once she returns.

2)  Tell her the kids are visiting your mom for the week, so she might as well take the almost free vacation.  Now you're fighting before the trip instead of after.

In either situation though, the key is standing your ground and making it very clear that she does not get to dictate some things in life.  If she doesn't want to see your mom, fine.  But you have every right to and so do the kids.  Why let her dictate that kind of rule in the first place?  If anything, it only hurts her mental illness condition since she's emboldened to make more ridiculous demands.

Stand your ground!  This is worth an argument over and potentially a separation.  I know you don't want that, but you should want your opinion heard and respected over something this serious.  If you did separate and got split custody, you'd be with your mom and the kids at least half the time.  Ask your partner if that's what she wants while you sort this out...it may help her to see reason.