Grieving UBPD mother with family

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'd be grateful for some advice on how to communicate with family members during grief. My UBPD mother passed away just a month ago.  I won't go into all the ways my mother was domineering, empathetic, cruel, supportive, critical, organized and irrational.  We've all been there. 

Today I'm struggling on how to talk about grief and how her death has affected me with family members, particularly my stepfather. I didn't grow up with my stepfather (I was an adult when he married my mom), but they were married for 30 years.  We were never really close - my mother had to be at the center of every interaction or would get furious - but he and I both are trying to work on that now. 

We have a phone call once a week and check in on each other.  He talks a lot about the work he's doing on grief, going to meetings, reading books, volunteering at the hospice, etc., which I'm very proud of him for.  He's struggling so much, trying to figure out a life without his partner.  What is hard is when he says to me, "But I imagine it's so hard for you, too, since you've lost the best mother anyone could ask for."   Well, considering that he was present for some EPIC blowouts with my mom, I'm left speechless that he could have this rosy, golden view of our relationship. 

The man is barely holding on at the moment, not getting any sleep, and having to deal with massive amounts of red tape, all while facing a life without any relationships except a stepdaughter and two adult stepchildren (he cut off all contact with his own family because my mom asked him to and she rejected any overtures of friendships).  I don't want to blast him with my version of our relationship, but I also don't want to start building this relationship on a dishonest, unhealthy foundation.  I'm finally free of walking on eggshells, there's no way I'm going to start that up again!  Any advice would be appreciated.

[mhughes]

I'd be grateful for some advice on how to communicate with family members during grief. My UBPD mother passed away just a month ago.  I won't go into all the ways my mother was domineering, empathetic, cruel, supportive, critical, organized and irrational.  We've all been there. 

Today I'm struggling on how to talk about grief and how her death has affected me with family members, particularly my stepfather. I didn't grow up with my stepfather (I was an adult when he married my mom), but they were married for 30 years.  We were never really close - my mother had to be at the center of every interaction or would get furious - but he and I both are trying to work on that now. 

We have a phone call once a week and check in on each other.  He talks a lot about the work he's doing on grief, going to meetings, reading books, volunteering at the hospice, etc., which I'm very proud of him for.  He's struggling so much, trying to figure out a life without his partner.  What is hard is when he says to me, "But I imagine it's so hard for you, too, since you've lost the best mother anyone could ask for."   Well, considering that he was present for some EPIC blowouts with my mom, I'm left speechless that he could have this rosy, golden view of our relationship. 

The man is barely holding on at the moment, not getting any sleep, and having to deal with massive amounts of red tape, all while facing a life without any relationships except a stepdaughter and two adult stepchildren (he cut off all contact with his own family because my mom asked him to and she rejected any overtures of friendships).  I don't want to blast him with my version of our relationship, but I also don't want to start building this relationship on a dishonest, unhealthy foundation.  I'm finally free of walking on eggshells, there's no way I'm going to start that up again!  Any advice would be appreciated.

[mhughes]

I'd be grateful for some advice on how to communicate with family members during grief. My UBPD mother passed away just a month ago.  I won't go into all the ways my mother was domineering, empathetic, cruel, supportive, critical, organized and irrational.  We've all been there. 

Today I'm struggling on how to talk about grief and how her death has affected me with family members, particularly my stepfather. I didn't grow up with my stepfather (I was an adult when he married my mom), but they were married for 30 years.  We were never really close - my mother had to be at the center of every interaction or would get furious - but he and I both are trying to work on that now. 

We have a phone call once a week and check in on each other.  He talks a lot about the work he's doing on grief, going to meetings, reading books, volunteering at the hospice, etc., which I'm very proud of him for.  He's struggling so much, trying to figure out a life without his partner.  What is hard is when he says to me, "But I imagine it's so hard for you, too, since you've lost the best mother anyone could ask for."   Well, considering that he was present for some EPIC blowouts with my mom, I'm left speechless that he could have this rosy, golden view of our relationship. 

The man is barely holding on at the moment, not getting any sleep, and having to deal with massive amounts of red tape, all while facing a life without any relationships except a stepdaughter and two adult stepgrandchildren (he cut off all contact with his own family because my mom asked him to and she rejected any overtures of friendships).  I don't want to blast him with my version of our relationship, but I also don't want to start building this relationship on a dishonest, unhealthy foundation.  I'm finally free of walking on eggshells, there's no way I'm going to start that up again!  Any advice would be appreciated.

[Notwendy]

First of all- condolences to you on your loss.

I can relate to your feelings about other people making statements like this. When people offerred their condolensces after my BPD mother passed away, and made statements like this, it felt odd. It helps to keep in mind that they are trying to be supportive, from their own point of view.

There is grief, but it's complicated.

The way I managed this was according to my own values- not wanting to speak poorly of her.. If people thought positively about BPD mother- then let them have their thoughts. I would just say "thank you". When your step father says these things, you don't want to falsely confirm them- or refute what he's thinking. Sometimes you don't need to say anything about your mother. One tool mentioned on this board is to validate the feeling, not what is false. When he says "you have lost the best mother" -you can say "I know you miss her"- turning the topic back to his feelings.

Your step father is going to have his own ideas about her. He was married to your BPD mother for 30 years. To have done this, he also had to have a part in the dynamics. It feels strange to hear this but keep in mind- he was in a romantic relationship with your mother for 30 years and perhaps, he had to believe this or be in denial as a part of it.

Consider boundaries. It is possible you have been the emotional caretaker for your BPD mother. I think it's fine to have empathy for and be supportive to your step father. He's grieving. His thoughts are all over the place. However, his thoughts and feelings are his own. You aren't responsible for them. I think that once a week is a good idea- it's contact and support but you aren't hearing this frequently. You also are not responsible to help him get adjusted. I think the best approach is to just listen, don't make suggestions to fix or soothe his feelings. However, keep in mind, if his moods continue, or he seems depressed, he may need professional help and even medication for a while to help him get through this and you can suggest it if you feel her needs it. Hopefully he would be open to the idea.

Self care for you is important. Seek out support that can be of support to you. For me, this meant counseling and I recommend that anyone in a situation similar to this does this. Recognize that extended family, even if they are well meaning- they too are part of the dynamics. In counseling- you can talk about the relationship with your mother, and family freely. You can speak your truth and be heard, and a counselor can help you to process this.