Should I stay or should I go now?

[JayMcDirsh]

Hi all, 

I am in a relationship that has completely eroded, and I have seperated from my fiancee for my own health and well being.  I really do love this woman, but she is angry and self destructive, and I have recently discovered that it may be much more complicated than that. 
She may have BPD. 

It's not the heart ache and pain that is keeping me engaged and wanting to go back though.  I'm wanting to see if there is any chance that we can move forward. 
I understand that there would need to be learning and training, and firm boundaries set, along with her getting the right treatment.  I've learned that I need to make changes too. 

I have read a lot of research and articles, and opinions on the subject on this is split between, "you can move forward, but you will need the right tools, support, etc" or "It's un-treatable and you need to get out"! 

What do you guy's think? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AllHeartMDG]

I'd love to answer you, but first I need to know how long you've been in this relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi JayMcDirsh,



I'd like the to join AllheartMDG and welcome you to  bpdfamily   I completely understand how scary and overwhelming it feels when you hear about BPD. If she is BPD, she has social impairments, her mental illness is not personal, i'd depersonalize the behaviors.

It's your choice, if you're in the role of emotional caretaker, you don't have to stay in that role, boundaries is a good idea, she will get upset at first. I just want you to let you  know you're going to get into, you won't be able to change her, change is going to come from you. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[SamwizeGamgee]

The book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcisist in Your Life" by Margalis Fjelstad is an excellent book.  I consider it fundamental to my rebuilding that I've done over the past few years.  Bear in mind I needed to change the patterns of the past, but, the book does lay out how you can continue to live the future in the company of a pwBPD.  It is not an easy task. It is not for everyone. But, to be fair to yourself, you should get the knowledge, and learn the skills, and then evaluate whether you can take this on.  

I observe in my own life, that as I changed for the better, I allowed change in those around me for the better, so, there is always hope.  However, memorize the fact that you cannot cure or change your fiancee. Only she can.

There is a voice in the back of my head that screams to run away from people with disordered personalities (modern speak for mental illness).  I wish that I knew now what I didn't know then when I married a woman with notable BPD traits.  I would have stopped dead in my tracks and gone another way.

Spend some time looking at yourself and try to predict what "future self" would tell "present self."  These message boards are a great place to collect stories and experiences of other to try to predict behavior that you might also face.