Call from uBPD mom, Dad's [possible] cancer

[WalkbyFaith]

I haven't been on here in a while, so apologies for being a bit disconnected from everyone.

Brief background: I have been extremely-LC with my family for 4 years now. My mom is uBPD, my dad is her enabler, and my siblings chose to side with mom when I set firm boundaries.

Last Sunday morning, I was awakened at 7:30 AM by a phone call from my mom. I knew immediately that something was wrong because a) she has texted but hasn't tried to call me at all in the last four years, and b) we live on opposite sides of the world so it was 1:30 AM for her. I could also see that I had missed call/text notifications from both my mom and my youngest sibling, so I braced for the worst and picked up the phone (while still trying to wake up!).

My mom informed me that my dad was admitted to the hospital, and initial scans were showing what looks like Stage 4 cancer metastisized in several organs in his abdomen.

She called me again later that day and texted the following day, to give me updates on the situation from the doctors and surgeons. At this point, they are still saying it looks like metastatic cancer growths but they won't say anything with 100% certainty until the pathology report comes back, which should be tomorrow.

This has been a LOT for me to process this week. The news about my dad. The first time hearing my mom's voice in 4+ years. The torturous wait for results. The what-ifs. The regret and fear that I have wasted the last few years not being in contact. The desire to be back in the family right now in this crisis, at odds with not wanting to just sweep everything (conflict/abuse) under the rug, plus my siblings refusing to answer my texts when I did reach out to them this week.

My body is feeling the stress - my stomach has been in knots and upset all week and I've had a headache almost every day. I'm going through ups and downs of feeling numb + wanting to cry every 5 minutes. And we don't even have a definite diagnosis or prognosis yet!

We are scheduled to travel back to the States this summer to visit friends & family, and ironically, I'd already been considering reaching out to my parents and exploring the idea of trying to have a conversation with them while we are there - trying to start steps toward restoring contact. My therapist even offered to have my mom zoom in to a couple of our sessions before then so she could mediate some initial conversations. Now that this has happened with my dad, though, it doesn't feel like the right time to be like - "ok guys we need to talk about our relationship" and yet I can't stay NC/LC with this going on either.

[Notwendy]

First of all- be kind to yourself. This is difficult. In a way, this post could be from me to my past self, several years ago, when I got the news that my father was seriously ill, and also what I learned from the experience.

I wasn't LC with my parents. I didn't know about BPD. I was more enmeshed and also an enabler to my BPD mother. Yet, I also had been her scapegoat child and was still trying to be "good enough" for my parents, not knowing that due to the dynamics in the family, for anyone, being "good enough" for BPD mother probably wasn't possible.

What I wasn't prepared for was that BPD mother's behavior escalated during this time. It was the opposite of what one would expect from a "normal" parent- to be kinder- during such a difficult time. But knowing now, the dynamics were that my father- who also enabled her- this was a form of emotional caretaking and that, with Karpman triangle dynamics, she was in Victim mode, and Dad was in Rescuer.

In Victim role, a person is not accountable. They are not to blame. For the pwBPD, this perspective is prefered. It avoids shame. However, in the situation where my father was ill, he was the actual victim, struggling with an illness, and where the family dynamics were usually focused on BPD mother, they were now focused on him, and BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

Not understanding this dynamic, and being emotionally upset too, I reacted to that. In a "normal" situation, a parent would be understanding that their children are upset too, but this was beyond the capacity of BPD mother and in my father's condition, his too, and with the pattern of rescuer, she got angry at me, he then aligned with her. To cope, I had to have boundaries- and this didn't sit well with them either.

There's more to say about the experience but for now, I agree with you that - if this were my parents- now is not the time for attempting to have a conversation about the relationship with hope for some resolution of past issues. This is a high stress situation for them and also for you and your siblings. While one hopes people would be kinder and more supportive in this situation, when there's dysfunction, escalation of the disordered behaviors may be likely.

For me, to actually reconcile issues was not possible. BPD mother was not capable of that. Bringing up anything that happened- she'd get angry and dissociate. Also it seemed that whatever I tried to do- she'd find something to be angry at.

For me, I realized that resolution for me would be on my part. If looking to my parents for approval, forgiveness, may not be possible, it could still lean on faith and my own ethics for how to relate to them, and maintain my own sense of self worth. I also looked closely at the line of how to relate to my parents while also having boundaries and to hold on to the (sometimes not certain belief) that it isn't wrong to to have boundaries, even if they didn't like it.

And to accept the sadness that this isn't the relationship I wanted with my elderly parents, because I did want to help them in their elder years, but this was not what I hoped it would be.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I think it's important to have support at this time- and also to understand that immediate family isn't likely to be capable of being of support. That's not your fault. It's their limitations. Turn to the people who can be of support- therapists, your friends, community, faith.

I hope for you and your family that the results tomorrow is good news.

[TelHill]

I'm really sorry  to hear this. This is such difficult news.

I'm saying this only because I've had this happen multiple times in my toxic extended family. My apologies for bringing this up. Disordered people have been known to fake or exaggerate illnesses.

Have you talked only to uBPD mom about this and has your sibling been her flying monkey in the past? Maybe call dad in the hospital to verify or ask to speak with him at the hospital main number and hang up before you speak to dad.

If real, please take care of yourself. Notwendy has great suggestions about what to expect when illness strikes an enabler parent.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear about your dad. One strategy that works for me when I can arrange it is to avoid being alone with disordered people who are abusive like my mother with BPD was when she was alive and to have other people around that the disordered person wants to look good in front of. Does your mother seem like a nice decent person when around people she wants to look good in front of and with whom she chooses to hide her BPD like behaviors from?

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry about the news, surely this is really stressful for you.  I'd caution you that it's possible your mother's BPD behaviors will amp up when there's sickiness in the family.  This could be because of the emotional intensity and uncertainty of the situation, the general stress involved, the rupture of routines as well as attention being diverted away from her.  Cue the feelings of abandonment--potential, real or imagined--and the situation will likely be triggering for your mom.  It's possible your mom will expect everyone to shower her with attention, and when she doesn't get it, she could lash out.

I also like the advice of TelHill to consider pursuing confirmation of whatever your mom says about your dad.  With BPD, there's a tendency to create drama and to stretch the truth to portray the pwBPD as the victim.  I'm not saying your mom is intentionally lying, but if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear another person's version too, ideally from your dad.

[Notwendy]

As Tel- Hill mentioned, it did happen that BPD mother exaggerated illness. I did try to speak to a medical provider to get actual information, when possible, sometimes the nurses were more accessible. If possible- can you speak to your father directly? Also ask him to give consent for you to speak to his providers if he's willing to do that.

Keep in mind that anything you say to your father could be shared with BPD mother. This includes her listening to phone calls, seeing emails. Hopefully your father is able to share information.

As Zachira advised- BPD mother did hold it together when others were around, but being alone with her was unpredictable. When I visited, I had someone visit with me, and also I stayed in a hotel. I don't know what your plans are when you visit in the summer. It could be an added expense to stay in a hotel or Airbnb but worth the cost to have a space to yourself.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and I'll say a prayer for your family.  That sort of news is so hard to process.

Have you reached out to your dad at all yet?  Family drama aside, if you want to do that then you should absolutely do it.  Times like this have a way of showing family what really matters in life, and it's rarely keeping decade-old disputes alive.  No matter who said what or who's mad at who, this is a time to forgive, let go, and come together for dad's sake.

[Notwendy]

No matter who said what or who's mad at who, this is a time to forgive, let go, and come together for dad's sake.

I agree with this in theory, and I did just that. However, when a family is disordered, and isn't pulled together even in good times, they may not be able to do this in stressful times.

Having a "normal" family was a wish since childhood, but good intentions were not enough to make it so. I had put the past behind me but BPD mother's behaviors were in the present.

I agree that times of family stress are not the time to bring up past grievances or try to get them to fix things that happened. Also be aware of the possibility of unexpected behaviors on the part of disordered family members when you reconnect, and make plans to protect your own emotional well being.

[Pook075]

Having a "normal" family was a wish since childhood, but good intentions were not enough to make it so. I had put the past behind me but BPD mother's behaviors were in the present.

If I had to guess, maybe your mom wanted peace just as much as everyone else.  But between mental illness and bitterness, it just wasn't possible for her to see a path to reconcile.  Decades of fear, guilt, and shame are a pretty hard thing for people to shake in any circumstance.  Throw in mental illness and it's almost impossible.

I agree that reaching out and extending an olive branch may lead to additional conflict.  What's there to lose though?  At best it helps and people heal.  At worst it does nothing...and you lose nothing because it's exactly the same as it has been.

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you for all your responses and kind words.
It helps to know some things to watch out for with family members' behavior. My mom is the primary one who has always exhibited BPD type behaviors, but I feel at least one if not more of my siblings have similar tendencies. They have been quite harsh in rejecting me since the conflict with my mom that led to me going LC.

I did text my Dad last night to tell him I am thinking of and praying for him. He wrote back very appreciative and gracious, and let me know what time today the followup appointment will be happening (to get pathology results).

This morning I woke up to an apology text from my Mom. The same as all the other apologies she's sent over the past 4 years -- it's fairly generic including phrases like "I'm sorry for whatever I did" and "I'm sorry you feel that I... xyz"

But I think it made me realize that that's truly all she's capable of. She's either unable or unwilling to see her own fault and the way she harmed me, and that is unlikely to change. I have to accept that.

So I wrote her back this morning and told her that I realize this isn't the right time (during a crisis) to have the big emotional "we need to work things out" kind of conversation, but also we can't just pretend the conflict and estrangement hasn't happened. But I told her I hope we can find some middle ground to be a family in the midst of a scary time.

Now I am just waiting. It will probably be late tonight on my side of the globe before I hear anything.

[Notwendy]

If I had to guess, maybe your mom wanted peace just as much as everyone else.  But between mental illness and bitterness, it just wasn't possible for her to see a path to reconcile.  Decades of fear, guilt, and shame are a pretty hard thing for people to shake in any circumstance.  Throw in mental illness and it's almost impossible.

I agree that reaching out and extending an olive branch may lead to additional conflict.  What's there to lose though?  At best it helps and people heal.  At worst it does nothing...and you lose nothing because it's exactly the same as it has been.

I agree with this. I know at some level BPD mother struggled with shame. I knew to not bring anything up that would cause that for her. I did extend the olive branch, many times, but that couldn't fix the situation.

I also agree with reaching out but there was potential loss when encountering unexpected behaviors.  Maybe things were always that way but I didn't see it. Children growing up with dysfunction tend to "normalize" it. Maybe what was lost was that. It wasn't normal and I didn't know what I was dealing with.

Through counseling later, I learned about paying attention to our own emotional capacity to deal with a disordered person. If we are not at our emotional best, we are more likely to be reactive to that person and to make the situation worst. The acronym "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is a reminder of that and a reminder to take some time to oneself for self care.

However, I didn't know this at the time, and I did react emotionally to BPD mother. The combination of lack of sleep, grief, and stress- I was not in a good position to best handle the family dysfunction and I did react emotionally at times.

The advice to have protective plans in place isn't to avoid or not forgive the family members. It's to be able to visit them, do better at keeping our own emotional responses in check and to not make things worse overall when visiting. While we hope that people will be at their best and pull together at times of stress, when there's dysfunction, it's possible that people could be at their worst instead.

We can't control other people's behavior but making sure we have a peaceful place to sleep, get rest, food and time away from the dysfunction helps us to maintain our own composure. Visiting with other people rather than alone can help BPD mother hold it together and in turn, keep us feeling emotionally safer.

[Notwendy]

But I think it made me realize that that's truly all she's capable of. She's either unable or unwilling to see her own fault and the way she harmed me, and that is unlikely to change. I have to accept that.
 

It will help to keep this in mind. My BPD mother was not capable of an apology or resolution. While we might wish that bringing up conflicts would lead to some kind of reconcilliation, all this did with BPD mother was make things worse. It didn't work. Accepting that this is all a person is capable of is all we can do.

IMHO, If this were my mother, I would not bring this up again.

I think you did a lovely thing by reaching out to your parents, extending your good wishes and prayers.

I also understand that extended family members can participate in dysfunction. This happened with some in my family too.

Most importantly- don't take any of this personally. The less you react to this dysfunction, the better. This does not mean to not have boundaries on your own well being. I have shared this in my other posts. It's that reacting can possibly cause them to escalate and you aim to preserve your own composure.

Hoping for good news for your father.

[Pook075]

This morning I woke up to an apology text from my Mom. The same as all the other apologies she's sent over the past 4 years -- it's fairly generic including phrases like "I'm sorry for whatever I did" and "I'm sorry you feel that I... xyz"

But I think it made me realize that that's truly all she's capable of. She's either unable or unwilling to see her own fault and the way she harmed me, and that is unlikely to change. I have to accept that.

True apologies are rare with BPD because they feel so much grief inside, it gets internalized and everything else is forgotten.  It becomes all about them and how they're the perpetual victim, not because they want to be that way, but because they're mentally ill and they vastly overthink everything in an emotional state.

For instance, your mom said, "I'm sorry you feel I...."  That's a classic victim statement, poor me for what you think I am.  It's not an apology at all, yet at the same time, it might be the best she has after months or years of disordered thinking over what initially happened.  You could tell us in detail and honestly, it doesn't matter, because that version of events has long been erased within your mom's mind.

My advice- take the olive branch if you can.  She's mentally ill and can't do much more than she already did today.  If it gets you all together to spend time with your dad, then it's a best-case scenario.

[TelHill]

I hope the tests come back in dad's favor. [Keeping fingers crossed] He sounds like a sweetheart.

My dBPD mom was the one who was very ill starting in 2023. I decided to stop NC/LC and take an active part in the short time she had. I didn't challenge her any longer over her behavior towards me.  She died in late 2025.

I believe it's fine to cease or continue NC. It depends upon what you think is right.

About mom's apology, there's no winning with disordered people. I have plenty in my family. I've learned the hard way that setting vocal boundaries/
confrontation, asking for an apology sets me up for painful retaliation later even if I get that insincere apology. I've been the subject of smear campaigns. Have been needled into a fight to make me look bad. They were looking for new smear campaign material with that.   I've learned to be Buddha-like and keep my cool. I'm polite and limit personal information said. It combines self-protection with being gracious and respectful.

pwBPD are incapable of self reflection because they have a mental illness. It's like walking near a street person with schizophrenia. They ask me the time and I politely tell them. I know they'll start screaming or saying illogical things. I hope for the best for them and move on.

These are just suggestions. You do what you think is right.

I second Notwendy's suggestion to not stay in your family home if you fly in to see dad. A hotel, friend's place or AirBnB give you time to disengage from mom's unpredictable behavior and shore yourself up for dad.