Recently found out my Wife most likely has BPD

[Shameus]

We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary and we share a 3 year old son.  She is a License Marriage and Family Therapist, which makes things much more difficult.  We worked together at a residential therapy center for mostly borderline personality disorder teenagers.  It has only recently been made clear to me after talking to my psychiatrist who has a strong background in BDP that my wife has it.  At this moment she is in a DBT group as well as DBT solo treatment, but hasn’t told me what her diagnosis is.  I am afraid to ask as well as not believe she will tell the truth.  A few months ago she had a breakdown and was sent to the Emergency Department then an inpatient facility and was shortly released as not longer a danger to her self.  She said she looked up a way to kill herself which was detailed.  Her family was helpful in taking her to the emergency room, but she was not truthful to the staff and I had to step in to speak with the medical staff.  This incident has been a catalyst that this isn’t a PMDD, ADHD, Interstitial Cystitis, Diet and the list goes on.  I am a person with low self esteem, learning disability and I guess recently realizing growing up role of peacemaker.  She is primary income and I am the primary care giver who for the past few months was able to find work that allowed me to still take care of our son.  This still comes with heavy ridicule from my wife, because I have new self worth and higher self esteem.  I deal with a lot of changing of goal posts and being trapped to take care of our son, because she makes up an excuse not to.  I do worry that she will lash out on our son if I were not there.  I have recently held a boundary and when she became verbally abusive and not respecting my boundary, I took a 30 minute walk, because she blocked the driveway physically for me to leave with my car.  This is the first time I did this and it felt good.  I was scared that it would escalate more or that she might harm our son.  When I came back she was calm, but blamed it on her taking adderall, which one she is supposed to tell me and second I am not sure I believe her that she did.  Our son was safe and being taken care of.  That night I was exhausted, but had one of the most sound sleeps that I hadn’t had in a long time.  I meet with my therapist tomorrow and how to further deal with her disease, but I am afraid it might not be able to be sustained and I am heart broken because I would of liked to have had more children.  Being a dad has been one of those moments when I knew I was great at something.  I am having a difficult time as I read that a lot of you are.  All the best.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

Hi Shameus and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's always extra heartbreaking when a young child is involved.  Hopefully you find the tools and resources to work through this together.

My ex wife and my oldest daughter both have BPD, and they're both in the healthcare fields helping others with long-term sickness or disabilities. I don't think that's a coincidence that people who struggle mentally want to help others who struggle as well.  In fact, in some ways I think it becomes a core of their identity because it's a healthy outlet to make up for their own struggles.

What parts of the relationship are you currently struggling with the most?  How can we help you prepare for the months ahead?

[Shameus]

Right now I am burnt out and right now just ignoring her behavior.  I do worry about her moods on our son.  She also is constantly thinking he is sick and leads him on that he is.  If you don’t mind me asking what was your breaking point for divorce and do you think your wife had any impact on your daughter?  When she was hospitalized, I was able to talk to her psychiatrist, because she signed a release.  I want to call and ask him what her diagnosis is out of concern for her recent spiraling and safety of our son, but I am afraid to if that will be a catalyst if he has to report to her that I reached out.  Any input is appreciated. 

[Pook075]

Right now I am burnt out and right now just ignoring her behavior.  I do worry about her moods on our son.  She also is constantly thinking he is sick and leads him on that he is.  If you don’t mind me asking what was your breaking point for divorce and do you think your wife had any impact on your daughter?  When she was hospitalized, I was able to talk to her psychiatrist, because she signed a release.  I want to call and ask him what her diagnosis is out of concern for her recent spiraling and safety of our son, but I am afraid to if that will be a catalyst if he has to report to her that I reached out.  Any input is appreciated. 

Hi Shameus.  Are you in the United States?  As far as I know, either you're listed on her chart as being able to receive medical updates for her or you're not.  If you are, then they can release information to you.  However, just because she was treated doesn't mean she received a formal diagnosis.  Hospitals and psych facilities treat symptoms regardless of what's charted and try to find a mixture of medication and treatment that would benefit the patient the most.

In my case, my wife left for another man...although she never admitted it to anyone but me and our daughter.  She told everyone else that I was abusive and she was fleeing for her safety.  I tried to reconcile for almost a year but eventually faced the obvious- it was better to let her go. 

My wife did have some impacts on our daughter later in life, but I don't think that's the reason my kid has BPD.  I would guess that's genetics more than anything.  She was a good mom though and did whatever she could for our two kids.

Have you spoken to your wife directly about a diagnosis (it's probably better not to)?  In the original post, it sounds like you're getting a handle on things and learning to enforce boundaries when things aren't okay.  Any progress there?

[ForeverDad]

Many here, probably most here, never learned of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis might be helpful but we have to arrive at our own conclusions, more or less.

Many here went through separations and divorce and a surprising discovery was that those agencies involved had little interest in determining what the mental health issues were that caused the failure of the relationship.  (In fact, my family court studiously avoided the issues of any mental health issues.  It assumed every couple before the magistrate were just bickering or whatever.)

Apparently court and the associated agencies don't try to "fix" either spouse.  (The old story, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.)  They follow their laws, case law, policies and procedures.  More or less, the documentation and evidence.  What we've done is follow the court's pattern... We document and gather the evidence necessary to be the best persons and parents we can be.

Considering your spouse's dysfunctional perceptions and mindset, you should be relieved your spouse is letting you - as the reasonably normal parent - take the lead in parenting.  The reality is you can't force or coerce a person to be a good parent.  She may have a comfort zone for how much she is able to parent.  After all, you have concerns about her parenting already within just a few years.  Probably it's best you work with that insight.