7 years suddenly gone?

[Kindling02]

My ex and I were together for 7 years. We are long distance but not inaccessible to each other (countries next to each other). We’re both in our mid twenties. She is usually very loving and affectionate, and quite anxious when we argued about small things that I would end the relationship, which I always reassured he I wouldn’t do unless she did something very bad (cheating, violence and so on). She has quiet BPD, ADHD, and FA attachment, she is high functioning, intelligent and has always been kind and loving to me outside of brief episodes where she’d get angry about something or the other, I always managed to calm her down. We talked everyday.

In mid-March she loosened a boundary we had on going to therapy (she previously had said we both couldn’t go as she feared a therapist would tell me to end the relationship with her).

Immediately after that she asked if we could go on a break so she could sort her life out (she’s currently in her first year of nursing at university, which she’s doing to secure a good job to move to me) and struggling. Initially I declined out of fear that we’d grow apart and told her that if she wasn’t 100% sure about the relationship then she should leave. She said she didn’t want to leave me and wanted us to be together forever. But upon reflecting and taking the advice of my friends I conceded a short 4 day break.

During those days I struggled very badly with my anxiety and was trying very hard to distract myself through socialising and new hobbies, which I posted on my social media, she remained silent but was watching everything I would post. One of the last posts I made was a photograph of her saying “I miss and love this girl so much”. Which she again, watched and didn’t respond to.

Upon the break ending she immediately texted a prewritten message saying that she was grateful for the relationship and me and loved me but it would be better if we ended, citing arguments, feeling trapped by boundaries (I implemented the boundary that we wouldn’t sleep at single people of the opposite genders houses), mental health, lack of affection and distance but did mention that she would remember me and that she was appreciative for all I’d done for her.

I immediately wrote back saying that we can talk about and fix said issues, telling her that every relationship has some arguments, that we could discuss our boundaries, that I would be more affectionate and that I didn’t know it was an issue and that if she felt distance was an issue, I’d move to her country if she no longer wanted to move here. I also said I felt blindsided as she hadn’t discussed anything with me beforehand, just sprung them up during the breakup.

She acknowledged that she had blindsided me and apologised for it but revealed she was high (first time since we started dating) and that she had nothing else to say, she was very detached sounding during this call. I continued to try to salvage/fix it, offering up solutions, but she was incredibly icy, cold, robotic, unemotional and blunt just repeating that she was “done” and that she “couldn’t” when I asked for an opportunity to resolve things.

I continued pleading to her for 2 days, during which she only reiterated that she was done and that she couldn’t, I even highlighted the rapid turnaround from her pushing for an engagement in January to her being done in March and she just robotically said “I used to want that”.

After those 2 days she began ghosting me. I sent an email with offers to resolve things, breaking down all the issues she mentioned logically, and an acknowledgement of my faults alongside evidence of tickets to come see her.

I received no response, so just over a week later I sent a text telling her I would cancel the tickets to not break any boundaries or cause her stress/to feel pressure, that I loved her, but would give her the space she wanted.

She kept me on all socials, she initially posted some content of her partying and stuff and followed some of her male coworkers.

After a month of the breakup I decided to start posting again, so I posted a new dog I had fostered, she watched and ignored it. Then yesterday I posted a new cat I had adopted, she watched but immediately but it may have triggered her, because she went scorched earth and within minutes, unfollowed (but not blocked) me on all socials and games we played and may have possibly blocked my number.

As of today it’s been 4 and a half weeks since the breakup, a month since she went no contact and 3 weeks since I went no contact. My birthday is coming up next week.

I love this girl a lot and I believe(d?) she loves me too, I think that the 4 day break might’ve led to her feeling I was going to abandon her or end the relationship, so she jumped the gun on it and rationalised it after with the things she brought up and was unwilling to let me resolve. We had plans about engagement, living together and so on, which she seemed very eager about when we’d discuss them and plan things.

I’m doing my best to remain NC, because I don’t want to just hound her, and want to give her a chance to “cool off”

But I am just wondering if there’s anything else I could possibly do to save the relationship?

I’ve read up about cycles, splitting, detachment, the freeze response, fear of engulfment, avoidant protector mode and so on but it’s just really confusing because of all the overlap and I’m not sure what applies to her and what doesn’t.

I already had a breakdown from this during the immediate breakup, but have managed to pull myself back together and kept my life moving.

What are the odds she comes back and what sort of timeline would you think is applicable in my case? I’d appreciate any insight or advice, this is the first and only time we’ve broken up.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry we're meeting this way and I wish that there was some magical thing I could say that would take your heartache away.  Unfortunately, there's not, but you'll find a lot of people here who have been almost in the exact situation.   

I wasn't long-distance, but your breakup was so eerily similar to mine, even down to the "I'm done" language.  Mine also came out of nowhere after a 23 year marriage.  My ex was also away for a week with her employer right before this happened.

You asked what you can do to save this relationship...and I want to be honest.  We can give you advice but at the same time, I don't want to give any false hope.  BPD relationships often recycle over time and the ex comes back around hoping to make things work out.  But between breaking up and reconciling, there's often another relationship as well.  I'm not suggesting that's what happened here, but there are some red flags- the sudden drug use, the sudden partying, the sudden coldness.

To have a chance at reconciliation, you're going to hear what sounds like very unconventional advice.  Once a discard happens, the BPD is going to go their own way for a bit and do whatever makes them happy in the moment.  For now, you can't focus on her and you can't fight for the relationship...in her mind, it only enforces the reason she broke up in the first place. 

So give her space, stop watching her online, and begin shifting your focus on your personal life.  Get outside, stay busy with familiar (or new hobbies), and lean on friends and family.  You should absolutely see that therapist you talked about to work through this with a professional and gain new perspective.

What are you currently struggling with the most?  Are you working full time (to keep you busy)?  What kind of social life do you have at home?  Help us see a little more of the big picture in your life.

[Kindling02]

You asked what you can do to save this relationship...and I want to be honest.  We can give you advice but at the same time, I don't want to give any false hope.  BPD relationships often recycle over time and the ex comes back around hoping to make things work out.  But between breaking up and reconciling, there's often another relationship as well.  I'm not suggesting that's what happened here, but there are some red flags- the sudden drug use, the sudden partying, the sudden coldness.

I don't think she strayed from me, I did ask during the breakup if she was leaving me for someone else and she affirmed that she wasn't before reverting back to her cold/detached language, I believe she may have just jumped the gun with abandoning me before she could be abandoned, and she may have derived that from me looking "okay" during the break.

What are you currently struggling with the most?  Are you working full time (to keep you busy)?  What kind of social life do you have at home?  Help us see a little more of the big picture in your life.

I am working full time in the medical field and I have a rich social life with a fair amount of friends, some hobbies and the like, I'm actually going to Tanzania in a few weeks (booked this post-breakup). Apart from the trauma of suddenly being discarded out of the blue I'm fairly okay outside of the expected heartache that naturally comes with these things. I'm just trying to do all I can to "fix" the relationship as it's something I value/valued a lot. I still care for her deeply and whilst I acknowledge I wasn't flawless as a partner (who is?), the relationship was overall quite positive and healthy, which is why I was so shellshocked by the sudden 180 on her side and then the absence of opportunity to rectify the slights she mentioned. I do recognise that I can't force her to come back or change her mind, I'm just wondering if staying NC is the only thing I could possibly do and to see if others have experienced anything similar or tried anything that worked towards reconciliation?

That being said, I do very much appreciate your insight and response.

[Pook075]

I don't think she strayed from me, I did ask during the breakup if she was leaving me for someone else and she affirmed that she wasn't before reverting back to her cold/detached language, I believe she may have just jumped the gun with abandoning me before she could be abandoned, and she may have derived that from me looking "okay" during the break.

Sure, we don't know what she was thinking and I wasn't trying to imply anything other than that behavior is common in this type of situation and the BPD quickly finds a new person (which could be a family member, a friend, or a new relationship).  The pattern is quickly filling that void so they don't have to think about it or actually grieve it the way you or I would- that's likely why she seemed so cold and distant, in her mind she had already moved on.

It's so incredibly challenging, especially the not knowing what's actually happening on her end.  I don't think you should blame yourself though because like you said, you immediately agreed to work on any problems she mentioned.  This sounds like a classic discard phase where she's painted you black for whatever reason...and the reason is always mental health related.

I am working full time in the medical field and I have a rich social life with a fair amount of friends, some hobbies and the like, I'm actually going to Tanzania in a few weeks (booked this post-breakup). Apart from the trauma of suddenly being discarded out of the blue I'm fairly okay outside of the expected heartache that naturally comes with these things. I'm just trying to do all I can to "fix" the relationship as it's something I value/valued a lot. I still care for her deeply and whilst I acknowledge I wasn't flawless as a partner (who is?), the relationship was overall quite positive and healthy, which is why I was so shellshocked by the sudden 180 on her side and then the absence of opportunity to rectify the slights she mentioned. I do recognise that I can't force her to come back or change her mind, I'm just wondering if staying NC is the only thing I could possibly do and to see if others have experienced anything similar or tried anything that worked towards reconciliation?

I'm glad that you're staying busy and I hope you lean into your social network to help you regroup.  The trip sounds like great timing as well and hopefully you have a good time.

In terms of "Is NC the only path?"  Many here would say yes, while others would recommend light, minimal contact.  The reason is because when she broke things off and you pressed with ways to fix things, that essentially made her run.  If BPD's suddenly end a relationship and the other person presses them, they feel smothered and the need for immediate space.  I had the exact same thing happen in my relationship and I did exactly what you did.  She's highly emotional though and logic can't solve the problem, at least not until she's ready to talk.

So if you want to check in once every few weeks with a "How are you doing" sort of thing, that's generally safe unless you get pushback (or ignored) from even that.  The problem is, when you reach out and she doesn't reply, then when do you reach out again?  It's like a never-ending guessing game.

For right now, NC is the wisest strategy until she makes contact with you...or a healthy amount of time has passed.  It is really unfortunate but that's the mental health factor in all this and the hallmark signs of BPD.  Your story could literally be 100 other people's stories here, they're all so similar.  Around 50% had their ex reach back out though once they backed off for a period of time.  I hope that helps.