Manipulative Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. I've lived with my BPD/NPD mother for 10 years. She's getting worse. She's 67. Today she sucked me into one of her games. She told me a technician who came to the house to look at our trees, laughed at her, and made her cry. I fell for it and wrote an email to the company. They emailed me back, saying a manager would get a hold of me. When I talked to the manager, he told me his two guys, (my mom told me only one guy was there), interacted, and assumed everything was okay. She didn't seem agitated or upset when they left. I am left not knowing what to do. Why would someone risk their $30 an hour job to make fun of someone? It doesn't make sense. Why would she lie to me? When I got home, I thought she would say something, but she has remained silent. She hasn't asked me if I reported him or anything. Usually, she is very nosy. Lately, she is very detached. I am frustrated and confused. I also feel guilty for writing that email and potentially getting two guys in trouble for something they didn't do. She has always been manipulative, but this is new to me. She's never involved someone else. I don't let her get away with gaslighting, guilt trips, or making me feel bad anymore, and I feel like I can not let her get away with this. This is a boundary that has to be set, and right now she can split me all she wants. Thank you in advance for any help. I need all I can get.

[Einstein]

Hello. I've lived with my BPD/NPD mother for 10 years. She's getting worse. She's 67. Today she sucked me into one of her games. She told me a technician who came to the house to look at our trees, laughed at her, and made her cry. I fell for it and wrote an email to the company. They emailed me back, saying a manager would get a hold of me. When I talked to the manager, he told me his two guys, (my mom told me only one guy was there), interacted, and assumed everything was okay. She didn't seem agitated or upset when they left. I am left not knowing what to do. Why would someone risk their $30 an hour job to make fun of someone? It doesn't make sense. Why would she lie to me? When I got home, I thought she would say something, but she has remained silent. She hasn't asked me if I reported him or anything. Usually, she is very nosy. Lately, she is very detached. I am frustrated and confused. I also feel guilty for writing that email and potentially getting two guys in trouble for something they didn't do. She has always been manipulative, but this is new to me. She's never involved someone else. I don't let her get away with gaslighting, guilt trips, or making me feel bad anymore, and I feel like I can not let her get away with this. This is a boundary that has to be set, and right now she can split me all she wants. Thank you in advance for any help. I need all I can get.

[Notwendy]

I can understand how frustrating this is. I think it would help to keep in mind that boundaries are about us, not another person.

We can't control what someone else says to us, or their thinking or feelings. All we can do is decide how we are going to respond to that.

It may also help to read about the Karpman triangle. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

From my own experience, and have also read this- pwBPD perceive themselves in Victim perspective. My BPD mother (now deceased) would describe situations where people were being mean to her. Whether or not it was true, it's how she perceived them. She could be manipulative too at times, so sometimes it wasn't possible to know what actually happened.

When adult children are raised in a family with a disordered person, we may be in roles of either Rescuer or Persecutor in relation to that person. Triangle dynamics are dysfunctional but in these families, they are the "normal" patterns we learn, and also may be the "normal" your mother is used to.  However, taking on any role in this dynamic usually leads to being split on- us in Persecutor role.

One suggested boundary here could be "I won't "rescue" BPD mother from an interpersonal dispute, if there wasn't actual harm done to her that you can see". This is a boundary that involves your response- and so you decide that. It doesn't mean you don't ever help out- if she needs help with something- you can assist her but if she comes to you saying someone yelled at her, or was mean to her, you don't need to act on that.

This kind of situation happened in my mother's elder years. If a caregiver urged her to do something- like take medicine- she'd say the caregiver was mean to her, but the caregiver was just doing her job. Sometimes we kids would be the ones she felt somehow "hurt" her but we didn't do anything wrong.

Although you feel you can not let your mother get away with what she did, attempts to go back on this with her are not likely to be effective and may even escalate the drama in this situation. Your mother is not likely to change. The more effective approach is to have a boundary that applies to you- like not intervening in her interpersonal issues without having proof of actual harm to her.

[CC43]

Hi Einstein,

With a name like Einstein, I bet you're a thoughtful, logical person.  That might be why your mom's often irrational, emotional reactions can seem confusing.  With BPD, it's fairly common to feel aggrieved where no offense was ever intended.  Maybe the tree experts mentioned a species of tree (or pest) that your mom confused with something else, and in her confusion, she felt slighted, maybe made to feel stupid or inferior.  Maybe she was upset because the arborists "criticized" a plant on her property, when she thinks it looks fine.  Then she concocted a story where the arborists "made fun of" her, when all they were doing was explaining the situation or proposing services.  My guess is that your mom was venting her shame with you.

I like NotWendy's boundary suggestion.  Another one might be, if your mom has a problem that's inconsequential, you let her sort it out.  You don't have to rush in and "fix" manufactured problems for your mom.  She's an adult, right?

One technique I find helpful sometimes is to "slow walk."  That is, when a pwBPD traits is upset, outraged or venting, I tend to let them have at it.  I try to resist "jumping in" with questions, let alone solutions.  I try to slow my reactions down, to see if the situation will fizzle out without any intervention from me.  Sometimes I'll "buy time," with a neutral statement like, uh huh.  If I'm pressured to intervene, maybe I'll say in as neutral a tone as possible, "If you want to call them, you don't need me to do that."  Or maybe, "I'm in a rush right now."  If I buy enough time, more often than not, the emotions will fizzle out.  By the same token, she won't want to spend her OWN time and energy on the problem.  At the end of the day, by slow walking, I often save my own time and emotional energy, too.  Does that seem like something that might work in your situation?

[TelHill]

My late dBPD mom would tell me unsavory things about relatives which sounded plausible.  But she had to be a fly on the wall in homes where these things supposedly took place when I thought about it a second time. She had no real friends she could get this information from.  I concluded it was made up. To her it was real. pwBPD can have auditory and visual hallucinations. Maybe this explains it?

I confronted my mother at times, not the unsavory gossip though. She would become enraged and call me names. She never improved or understood what I meant.   I'm sure she believed she was telling the truth. I'm sure she thought I was the troubled one abusing her.

I realize it was a mistake to treat her like a child who needed discipline instead of the older lady with a mental disorder. Some things are not worth pursuing with pwBPD.

Should a similar story come from her again you can ask the business if it happened by prefacing it by saying mom is prone to telling tall tales.  At least you know not to take what she says at face value.

About her tuning out lately, she might be dissociating. My mom would be too quiet and her demeanor was flat and unemotional at times. It's part of the disorder.

[Einstein]

Thank for the responses so far. I'm so fed up. I honestly can't take it anymore. The resentment I have for her could fill the Universe. Everything she does is unbearable to the point she makes me think I have problems, or I'm going to end up like her. I have lots of support outside of the household with therapy, groups, a psychiatrist, doctors, and friends, but it often seems like it's not enough. I've learned to communicate more effectively with her and set boundaries when she gaslights or makes me feel bad or guilty. I've been doing well when it comes to these things. I was horrible at it before. I was always in tears and often suicidal. She can be a horrible person. I've been in therapy for over 6 years and doing much better, but recently she's been getting worse, and this year, I've been very sick. She refused to take care of me or help me in any way. So when she sucks me into one of her delusions, I feel like I might snap. I can't take much more of her detachment or her dissociation episodes. I can't trust her with anything. I took a small vacation with my dog and she neglected all the other animals. Right now I feel like I'm venting to strangers, and suddenly I feel weird, but it seems many of you know what I'm going through. What she did is tipping me over, but I have not acted on it. I'm going to take the advice and let this one go. I did talk to the company, and let them know the situation, and how sorry I was for my email. If it happens again, I will know what to do. Thank you for reading this and responding.