Am I the only one to conceal or even lie about facts to avoid conflict?

[Lauters]

My partner has a lot of characteristics of emotional dysfunctionality (or higher functional invisible PBD, what's in a name after all?)
As the code 'red' days are almost omnipresent the last months, I get so tired of her R&B episodes (raging & blaming), that I notice that in order to avoid additional conflict, I started to conceal or even lie about things. I'm concious that my behaviour is wrong, and sometimes when the facts that have been kept hidden, accidently still come out, the situation even amplifies (of course, I'm not thrustworthy anymore). 
In 'Stop walking eggshels', the advice is given to wait for a 'good' moment to discuss a difficult issue. But sometimes, you don't get the opportunity to wait for that moment, anbd then the situation excalates even more.
So, I just want to know if I am the only one behaving like this: concealing or even lying, and hoping that a difficult moment will pass by quitly?

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[Under The Bridge]

So, I just want to know if I am the only one behaving like this: concealing or even lying, and hoping that a difficult moment will pass by quitly?

You're not the only one - all of us have had to do this to avoid going through yet another meltdown by our BPD partner. We can see the very predictable crisis coming so we try to diffuse the inevitable by any means we can, even if it's not the way we would like it.

We're caught between a rock and a hard place; if we  point out our partner's errors it only inflames them more as, in their mind, they're never wrong but if we constantly cover for them and go along with their wrongful ideas then we're not being true to ourselves and that's no way to live. Plus by pandering to them we're actually reinforcing their beliefs that they're always right.

It can be very mentally draining as we constantly analyse our actions, trying to decide if we've said or done anything - however innocently - which might set our partner off. Truth be told, we never know what will annoy our partner so we have no chance anyway.

I remember I stopped telling my exBPD that I was going out with my friends because she would instantly class this as 'going out looking for someone else'. It makes us feel as though we really are doing something underhanded when we know we aren't.

As for discussing things, I rarely got the chance. We weren't living together and after a meltdown she would just stay away for weeks until she decided she didn't like being alone and would come back looking for me.

In the end it all comes down to how much you're prepared to endure and how far you're willing to go just to keep the peace. As I said, all the pretense puts a huge mental strain on you.  In the end I stopped trying to peace-make and just let her rage if she thought I'd done something wrong but I knew by then  - after 4 years - that the relationship would be ending as I wasn't prepared to live life like that.

So you're definitely not alone in what you're going through.

[Pook075]

In 'Stop walking eggshels', the advice is given to wait for a 'good' moment to discuss a difficult issue. But sometimes, you don't get the opportunity to wait for that moment, anbd then the situation escalates even more.

What the book refers to is not getting into sensitive topics when someone is showing disordered qualities.  For example, if they're highly emotional and agitated, that's not the time to mention that your parents are visiting for the weekend.  It's better to hold off and wait until that person is in a calm, balanced mood.

Could you give us an example of an issue that escalated while you were waiting to talk about it?  I'm asking because if a BPD is off and looking for an argument, then almost anything you say defensively will cause things to escalate.  I want to make sure we're talking about the same thing before giving direct advice.

[Lauters]

My wife has a very difficult relationship with our youngest son. He just started his professional carrier (internship), so not making a lot of money, and living apart with his girlfriend. He hardly comes home, but his mother stills does his laundry. This leads to a lot of frustration: on the one hand she wants to help him, but only if he behaves as she would like him to behave (come more often to our home). That morning, she complained a lot about this issue, and that she would stop helping him. Some hours later, our son phoned me to ask if I (we?) could help him advance the money for his train season ticket. My wife was then upstairs. I asked him for some more info (about prices according to different periods considered), and he told me he would look it up. Later that day, our oldest son came by, and he told us that his brother inquired about what to do about his train season ticket. He adviced him to go for one year (hard to pay now, but most interesting option considering taxes). When I heard that, I considered the problem solved and kept quiet. In the evening, my wife asked if our youngest 'apped' me that day. And I answered 'no'. I didn't told her that he phoned me instead: I wanted to avoid an emotional discussion about possibly helping him financing his ticket (as that very morning, she stated that she wanted to stop helping him). The next day, our son phoned home, and asked his mother about the conclusion of advancing the money for the train ticket, and that he had that talk with me the previous day. I don't have to specify about her reaction finding out about this.
In normal circumstances, I would have mentioned his phone call and discussed his question with her. But the last two weeks were so intense that, maybe, I'm not able anymore to think straight? Or to do the right thing? And these mistakes/faults/misinterpretations just accumulate, making it all worse....

[Pook075]

In normal circumstances, I would have mentioned his phone call and discussed his question with her. But the last two weeks were so intense that, maybe, I'm not able anymore to think straight? Or to do the right thing? And these mistakes/faults/misinterpretations just accumulate, making it all worse....

Okay, I'm following along and see where that would be so difficult.

For mom's part, I think it's natural for moms to want their kids to visit more and it's also normal for them to continue doing laundry or other things like that to ensure the kids return home often.  It's your son's choice though and I also think it's pretty normal for moms to get upset and want to pull back some in the help department.

Now, how your wife reacts around the house may not be "normal mom stuff", so please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm just saying that wanting to pull back support for a kid that's not visiting home enough is pretty standard.

For your part, I do think you need to realize that mom is not okay, she misses her kid.  You obviously know she's not okay, but affirming that to her can go a long way.  "I wish he was here more as well," types of stuff.  Or, "I agree, if he's not coming around as often, you shouldn't do his laundry for him."

Now, maybe mom is not acting sad...you said the word "intense" and that makes me believe it was something else.  But at the root of all that, you also know that the intensity is coming from missing your kid.  So lean into that part and be an actual ally since you probably feel that too.  I know that's not what she's asking for, but it's what she mentally needs and her intensity is coming from not knowing how to handle what she feels.  So you soothe those emotions when they appear.

Why?  Because if she's out of control around the house and you're doing everything you can to avoid her temper tantrums, then she's missing her son and she can't understand why her husband is withdrawing.  Again, she's not saying anything like that, because BPDs are lousy over talking out their feelings in a productive way.  So you have to sort of "bridge the gap" between what she's ranting over and what's actually wrong to help her get her emotions under control.

Should you have told her about the train ticket?  Probably not, at least not before she calmed down some and could have a productive conversation.  If it were me, I would have told your son not to mention it to mom quite yet.  But that's okay.