Ex pwBPD told me I was the father of her child while pregnancy (I wasn’t..)

[Canadian017]

We had a rough patch of 2 months of constant arguing (it was somewhere during this she cheated, (conception would’ve been during July 2025)

In August we broke up, we broke up for about 1.5-2 weeks then she advised me she was pregnant. At first I thought she was bluffing so I got back with her to see. She took me to his first ultrasound and I accepted the reality the child was mine(or so I thought..)

Everything went “fine” until the baby shower, a week leading up to it she became distant.

I went to the baby shower in front her whole family (like 70 people) then she broke up with me a week later under the umbrella of me not doing enough for her and the child during the pregnancy, apparently

This kind of threw me the wrong way and didn’t make sense. I asked for a “DNA test to ensure my parental rights and obligations, and I have no doubts I am the father” after we broke up.

There was no contact for 2 months and I followed up with the dna test when she would’ve given birth. No reply.

After I filed a court application (it was ready to go) and my lawyer sent a letter to her that we will be needing a dna test and be taking this to court if she does not otherwise under the circumstances this step is not required

She sent a letter to my lawyer “confirming 2 dna tests” have confirmed I am not the father, and that I am apparently harassing and bullying her (I haven’t spoken to her since February minus one text addressing dna; and very polite/sterile)

Her mother was served the documents and after that she started complying (I do not believe willingfully..) and agreed to do the dna test shortly after but also that I “cease communication” upon the results confirming I am not the father.


Fast forward to the dna results; sure enough I am not the father.
I chose not to contact her after the results came out, to cancel costs and to advise my lawyer to tell hers not to contact me again, especially after that letter she sent him where I “cease communication” I am 26 and she is 23.

How do I heal and or move on from this? Any advice or input appreciated. I just feel a blatant “what the actual **** just happened”

[PeteWitsend]

...

How do I heal and or move on from this? Any advice or input appreciated. I just feel a blatant “what the actual **** just happened”

Not to be flippant, but you just dodged a bullet.  Much worse outcomes for you were possible here.  Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate that a little.

Beyond that, consider how you ended up with her, and why you tolerated her behavior for as long as you did, although it sounds like you recognized something was off about her and ended it reasonable soon.  If she was BPD (I assume that's why you're here) there was probably a lot about her behavior that you didn't like. 

I'd also suggest you don't take any of this personally; it wasn't your fault & you didn't do anything wrong.  You just had the misfortune of running into a pwBPD.  They're out there, and it happens.  Chalk it up to life experience & a lesson learned, and move on.  If it helps you avoid another bad relationship someday, consider it wasn't a total loss.

[Canadian017]

Honestly we got together and at first she was so sweet, kind, caring.

I put a lot of effort into her and we just clicked overnight, it felt so natural / real.

That lasted like 4-6 months where I was genuinely over the moon. I kept hoping she would go back but she didn’t.
I have a really bad knee from 3 knee surgeries from the military and I don’t date often, there’s a lot I honestly can’t do and don’t put myself out there for a lot of people. That’s the main reason.. I used to move on so fast and I just think I’m more reserved now.

I agree I dodged a bullet. I hope I can find someone healthy one day.. I am going to see a therapist.

[Pook075]

How do I heal and or move on from this? Any advice or input appreciated. I just feel a blatant “what the actual **** just happened”

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it definitely stings for awhile.  How long ago did this happen?  By that I mean when you received the DNA results.

Your ex is mentally ill and makes bad decisions because of it.  I'm not trying to defend her, but she probably figured that you might be the father and rolled the dice.  She probably broke up with you after feeling more and more confident that you weren't the father.  Who knows.  It comes from disordered thinking though.  BPDs really get eaten up by guilt and shame, they don't know how to let go of it or move past it, so it just lingers and continually changes their thinking, their words, actions, etc.

Let's talk about you- how do you move on?  Well, you're already doing it.  At first, that could mean one day at a time because the pain cuts deep, it's an ugly betrayal.  Like Pete said though, I'm sure she was saying the same things to the other guy too.  This wasn't about you at all, it was about having no idea what to do when she really messed up several people's lives because of her actions.

My advice?  Stay busy at work and get a gym membership.  Get back into old hobbies or find new ones.  Hang out with friends and family more, people that care about you.  One day at a time, one week at a time, until it's no longer this huge thing in your mind.  Everyone here healed at different speeds; for me, it was about 6 months before I began to feel normal again.  But it also took that long to realize how messed up things really were in the relationship, so my mind had new things to analyze.

So take our advice- she didn't do this to you specifically.  It would have happened with any guy she was dating at the time.  She did it because she's mentally ill and she couldn't think her way through it because she was too emotional, too unbalanced.  Even the, "You're harassing her" comment...that's true in a way.  You said you sent one text, but that text was probably on her mind 24/7 for months and weighed on her like a ton of bricks.  For you, it was a text.  For her, it was torture because her mind can't let go of trauma (even when it's self-created) and she saw no way forward without losing a lot of respect from everyone around her.

At around the 1 year mark, I finally realized that my ex was sick and that's why she cheated on me.  It's not a great answer, but its the best my mind was going to find.  So try to save yourself extended heartbreak and listen to what we're saying- she did what she did because she's mentally ill.  There's no other reason and she's probably not a bad person.  She's just sick.