how to stop JADEing and learn to validate and acknowledge my part in his hurt

[wolfie123]

hello.

please note that i (23f) as well as my partner (25m) both have borderline. he claims that the worst part of our relationship is the lack of validation and acknowledgment from my end when he confronts me on an insecurity or worry of his. and i agree. i would like to stop JADEing and learn to console him properly in the way he needs it.

i will give an example from last night. i was told i am ungrateful living with him and will always find something to complain about and that since moving in with him the sex has decreased and the life left my eyes.

he provides a roof for me and goes above and beyond financially, there is always food in the house, the bills are paid and it’s all because of HIM. i do not make nearly enough to settle the rent and he does not expect me to contribute. i would have 1% of the things i have right now without him. and yet i am still hormonal at times and will be upset about the condition of the house and not being able to decorate the house in the way i’d like. essentially i do not make it known that i am very happy to be here and that is my fault.

i remember i did not agree with him. he told me everything derives from the same issue that i cannot take accountability or validate his feelings

it ended with him saying that he feels like he’s has permanently split on me at this point as he has done in previous relationships, that he can’t be with someone who cannot validate him. he’s telling me he’s getting a restraining order on friday. in the same breath he has told me countless of times to not let him leave me and there have been many instances where he has begged me to stay during intimate/warm moments.

when i tried getting close it was too late and i was told to get off of him or shut up.

i have done a lot of wrong in his eyes despite having good intentions which makes him weary every time i mention a guy or go out. these wrongs include having a male friend who used to like me years ago and contacting other people that included men for advice and housing when i was being told to gtfo.

i cannot leave or risk this relationship because when he splits he does not care that i do not have the means to move out. i have no where to go and would rather learn how to soothe and reassure him. please can someone teach me to do that.

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[Notwendy]

This sounds like a difficult situation. Just so you know- this board is for people who are in relationships with someone with BPD, but it doesn't address BPD. Some of the posts could be difficult for someone with BPD to read as people are describing their issues with the BPD partner. If the moderators suggest a different resource for you, it's because that could be a better one for you. But for now, I will look at this from both your situations, and mainly yours since you are the poster.

First, I give you huge credit for your awareness and openess about having BPD and being willing to work on doing better. That is a big positive quality of yours.

The double issue is that both of you have BPD and in general, need a lot of validation. There's nothing wrong with needing that- it's just that he may need a lot. I am the adult daughter of a BPD mother who needed a lot of validation.

Your living situation is concerning as you are dependent on him. Living under the threat of being kicked out if you don't provide your partner with validation is scary. I hope he doesn't make you leave right away, as it would be uncaring, even if he decides that you aren't a romantic partner.

"Not giving enough validation" is not grounds for a restraining order. Still, if it's his place, he may have the right to decide who lives there or not. It's also possible he doesn't follow through with his threat but in the even he might- a short term solution of asking him for more time, may be something to consider, before you are without somewhere to live. If you are not in danger from him, consider asking him for more time to give you time to look at options.

If he insists on you leaving, or you are in danger from his behavior, I think it's reasonable to call a DV hotline immediately and ask for local shelters, as it would be a danger to you to be thrown out immediately or stay in an unsafe place.

Next is long range- how agreeable are you to therapy? Therapy is the best intervention known to help pwBPD. Some DV programs have resources for that, and it's worth calling to see if therapy is available- sometimes it's at a reasonable to low cost. Therapy doesn't mean something is "wrong" with someone. It's an investment in ourselves- to be the best we can be. Many people do it for many reasons.

Your BF may feel he wants more validation from you, but where do you get yours? Note- looking for it from men may feel good in the moment, but real validation doesn't have to come from someone else. It comes from your own sense of self and being able to make choices and know that you matter- and therapy is the path to getting there. I hope you will consider it.