Advice on reversing a breakup

[stevemcduck]

 I'm not looking for reassurance or validation. I'm trying to understand what is most likely happening psychologically.

My ex and I were together for just over 5 years.
She was 20 when we met and 26 when we separated. Throughout most of that time I was effectively her primary attachment figure. We lived together, travelled together, built a life together and had a very intense bond. The relationship also had a Dom-sub dynamic where I was generally the provider, protector and more emotionally stable partner.

She has what I would describe as quiet/internalised BPD rather than the more outwardly explosive presentation. Her struggles seemed to revolve around shame, fear of abandonment, favourite-person attachments, splitting, identity issues, validation seeking and emotional avoidance.

About a year ago the relationship suffered a major rupture. She became emotionally attached to another man who appeared to become her new favourite person. There was lying, emotional betrayal and behaviour that caused significant damage to trust. We separated.
What makes this situation more confusing is that after several months apart I wrote her a deeply personal book. To my surprise she came back.

When she returned she was extremely emotional. She apologised repeatedly, told me she loved me, admitted she had made huge mistakes and eventually moved back in with me. For a period of time it genuinely felt like we had overcome something impossible.
However, the reconciliation was difficult.
More information emerged about what had happened during the separation. My trust had been badly damaged. Arguments became more frequent. Her shame appeared enormous. There were ongoing issues around validation seeking, emotional regulation and accountability.

One important point: despite all the emotional turmoil, there had never been physical violence throughout the previous five years of our relationship.

A physical incident occurred during the final breakdown of the relationship and was completely out of character compared to the majority of our time together.

Approximately two months ago the relationship ended following a serious argument. She became physically aggressive during the conflict. I left the house because I felt the situation was escalating. I then made the stupid decision to drive after drinking and was arrested for drink driving. When police saw injuries on me and asked what had happened, the situation escalated further and she was subsequently arrested and removed from the house.
Because of the legal situation she currently cannot contact me.
I have not seen or spoken to her since.

A few weeks ago I sent her an 8-minute video. The video was calm, reflective and compassionate. I apologised for my own part in the relationship problems, told her I still cared deeply about her, acknowledged the good and bad in both of us and made it clear there was no hatred from my side.
I also told her that if she ever wanted me to call her one day when everything had settled down, she could simply change her WhatsApp profile picture as a signal.

She watched the video.
Shortly afterwards she removed her WhatsApp profile picture entirely.
She didn't replace it with another picture.
She simply removed it.
Because she currently cannot contact me, I have no way of knowing whether that meant anything or not.

Since then she has remained very active on social media.
Recent content has included:

A selfie with "Miss me?" written on it.
Reposts about being misunderstood or hurt.
BPD-related reposts.
Posts saying things like "I've got a new life."
Multiple dancing/thirst-trap style TikToks.
Selfies in new outfits.
Songs about exes and relationships.
General validation-seeking content.

I fully recognise that social media is a poor source of information, but I'm struggling to know whether I am seeing genuine patterns or simply projecting because I still love her.
The contradiction I can't reconcile is this:
On one hand:
We were together over 5 years.
I was her primary attachment figure through most of her adult life.
She previously left and later came back.
She apologised deeply during the reconciliation.
She told me she loved me.
She has my name tattooed on her body.
We shared a life together.
On the other hand:
There was significant betrayal.
Serious trust damage.
The ending was traumatic.
There is now complete silence.

Her online behaviour often appears attention-seeking, contradictory and confusing.
My questions are:

How often do you see shame rather than lack of love prevent someone with BPD from reaching out?

Have you seen people genuinely avoid someone they still loved because they believed they had caused too much damage?

If somebody was a primary attachment figure for 5+ years, how quickly does that attachment typically fade?

How much weight would you place on social media behaviour in situations like this?

Does removing the WhatsApp picture after watching the video sound potentially meaningful, or is that exactly the type of thing partners tend to overanalyse?

If you were advising someone in my position, would you maintain complete silence until restrictions end, or take a different approach?

One final thing:

I am aware that part of me still wants her back despite everything that happened. Another part of me knows the relationship was unhealthy and that I would probably have far more peace without it. Those two sides of me are currently at war with each other.

I'm interested in honest analysis, even if the answer is that I'm reading too much into things or asking the wrong questions.vAnd the best advice you can give me to reconcile.

Thank you I advance

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

What you're looking at are the leaves on the trees which can vary in many ways.  If you step back you will see the forest.  Translation: Individual actions and reactions may provide indications but the bigger picture is more important for long term success, or not.  That's my observation... Does it matter that much about the details, since mental health issues (PDs) influence the big picture?

Here is a factoid that is admittedly somewhat general yet in most cases true:

• You cannot "fix" her since BPD traits make it hard for her to set aside the baggage of the past relationship history
• For her to want to recover a reasonably normal mental health perspective that would make a healthy relationship possible she would have to want to truly change and most can't do it without long term therapy that is diligently applied in life and perceptions

The first separation was non-violent.  The second separation was violent and resulted in legal repercussions for both of you.  If you try again - without her seeking and continuing serious long term therapy - then future separations may easily be much worse, emotionally, legally, financially.

Years ago, you weren't aware of the risks, now you are.  There's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

There's also the old story of the frog and the scorpion.  The scorpion wants to cross the stream and promises not to harm the frog for safe passage across the stream.  Once across, the scorpion stings the frog and the frog cries, "But you promised!"  And the scorpion replies, "You knew I was a scorpion."

In time the court is likely to let the no-contact order expire.  Will she have learned from this?  Will you have learned from this?  You know she has serious relationship issues.  Sadly, as much as we wish it were otherwise, we can't live other people's lives.  To a large extent, they will do what they will do.  On the other hand, you have control of your own life, your decisions, the paths you choose.

[stevemcduck]

thanks forever dad. everything you say makes perfect sense.

however I still want her back. the no legal no contact ends in 5 weeks from now. im unsure how to proceed.

[Pook075]

thanks forever dad. everything you say makes perfect sense.

however I still want her back. the no legal no contact ends in 5 weeks from now. im unsure how to proceed.

Could you give us a little more detail on the legal no contact?  I'm guessing it was due to the final breakup, but I don't want to guess.  Also, is it a one-way no contact?  Did you violate it by reaching out?

I agree with ForeverDad that her mixed signals on social media are just that- mixed.  I'm sure she misses you as well and a part of her would be open to reconcile.  Another part will avoid it at all costs.  That's the crux of mental illness and how she makes decisions.  Don't read too much into it all; she will reach out or she won't.

[stevemcduck]

hi pook

the situation is this. she attacked me. I was bleeding and I left the house to get away and stupidly drive under the influence to get away. I went to the police station and was arrested. when I was released I was told she was also arrested. she was living in my house and they evicted her and I didn't press charges so she was released on bail. the usual terms are 3 month no contact her side only. I have not been told not to contact her at all so I am not in breach. 

her parents came to get her and she went back to her family home which is 400 miles from where we lived together.

I sent the video and acknowledged she may not be able to respond and if she ever wanted to hear from me again to change her WhatsApp profile picture so I knew. later that night she removed her profile picture. I sent a follow up text saying to put it back up when she was ready for a call. it was read but under stably not responded to and the picture remains removed.